Women

[RevSmoke]

Originally Posted by BradSacramento

I know that is a "broad" topic. Sorry but couldn't resist leading with that. Anyway, I need some help. I've been seeing the same girl for a few years and work with her as well (I know, I know....mistake to begin with). I like quite a bit of things about her and I can be myself around her which is nice. She even puts up with cigars. : ) She would like to get married one day and has a kid which doesn't seem to respect me much no matter what I do. We've kept our relationship private at work and I think she wants to change that. The drama of her ex also is interesting. I don't know that I ever want to get remarried again (done that once - I'm 37 - never had kids) or if I can handle trying to raise someone else's kid or having such responsibility when in reality I have very little input on the daughter - she is 10. I just don't know. She can be fairly selfish and wants to end things (told me Monday) since she knows how I feel about getting remarried and her daughter not respecting me.

I don't normally get into these discussions because I usually say it just the way it is - and most people don't like the brutal honest truth. I have to deal with this sort of stuff and couples in trouble all the time.

1st, remember that kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

Here's the deal. Kid already has you pegged. She knows you don't want to get married again (because you're being selfish - meaning you don't want to get hurt again) and so the daughter knows your just in it for what you can get out of the relationship. (while not living together, is there sex involved? if so, she knows it, no matter how much you think you 2 are keeping it secret). She wants mom to be happy, not being used (how she perceives it because you don't want committment), and to be in a relationship where she can be cared for long term. She doesn't want some guy who's going to be around once in a while, she already has that (if she has any relationship with her father), she wants a husband for mom, and for her - a dad.

If you want a relationship, then you have to deal with the ups and downs. I don't know what happened in your first marriage, I know there's a ton of sick garbage that couples put each other through. But, is it fair to string her along if you aren't in it for the long haul?

Here's something to consider, have you ever dealt with the emotional scaring and baggage from your first marriage? That may be what is holding you back. It may be something you are not even consciously aware of.

Yeah, marriage can be a pain. But marriage isn't about being in love, it's about choosing to take care of someone and give your all to them. It is selflessness, and that isn't easy.

We all find relationships easier when they remain fairly superficial - like a bunch of folks that hang out on a bulletin board together. They can be great friends because they aren't dealing with one another live and in person every day, they only have a relationship on mainly one level - and can support one another when the want to. It is an easy out situation.

Unfortunately, too many people have those kinds of relationships outside of the internet as well.

I have been married for over 24 years. Wouldn't change it for anything. Well, I'd change a few of the stupid mistakes I made, but other than that...

I think that you really should seek some therapeutic help, whether you stay with her or not. Seems there are some underlying issues that are at work here.

Will keep you in my prayers as you ponder your next step.

Peace of the Lord be with you.