Alabao by Perdomo- The banned version

[bazookajoe]

Originally Posted by Katmancross

Whats CS?
Well, I got it. Very well written. But extremely negative. And you weren't working under the constraints I am.
I have to write without gore(Mongo, the exception), nothing that could offend anyone, no mention of undergarments or hookers or exchanging spit, etc.
And stores don't want me to write negative at your level. If they have a cigar that I've been given the go ahead to write that it ain't so good, I still have to be careful because they want to empty their bins of those cigars.
I have to walk a tight rope that you didn't. Don't get me wrong, I liked it. It's just that I can't write the way you do. A barrage of excremental words.
Have you written anything positive that's funny? And kept it politically correct?
My review with bin Laden in it didn't get published because the bosses considered it Muslim bashing. I can't use the word hooker or anything remote to that. I can't use sexual innuendo.
I'm not saying that anybody can do what you do, because they can't. It's hard to write.
I'd love to read another review that falls into the same parameters I'm forced to balance.
Bottom line: What you wrote is very funny. But not a single customer of mine would allow it. So it's just an exercise at that point. It's what you can get published that counts.

I don't get it. You're bothered that some people don't care for your review style and repeatedly say how unique and sought after it is. Tom merely mentions that the style of story/hyperbole is not new, posts an example and you critique it in a not altogether pleasant way IMO. You seem to take things personally that aren't intended that way.

Here is a review written by SeanGAR years ago along the lines of what (I think) Tom was trying to show you, and one of the funniest reviews I've ever read (btw, I'm not saying this review meets all the guidelines you contend with, just pointing out as Tom did that you're not "doing something no one else is doing" since you're making a point of it):

"A walk on the wild side.....

Wednesday I faced something nobody wants to face: a 10 hour drive and only 2 small cigars (SCDH El Principe and a Gran Habano No. 5 Rothschild). I buckled down, got a crappy coffee and started my drive. A waited a full 5 minutes before breaking into the Gran Habano. Nice little cigar. 45 minutes later I started the SCDH. I know, I amazed myself at my restraint too. 85 minutes into the drive I was cigar-less. I knew I could hold out, I mean really, I don't smoke at all while I'm asleep, and that is usually 7 hours, so I can make 7 hours more driving, right?

It was somewhere in Tennessee that I broke down. I drive like this: stop only for gas when at 1/8 tank, pee, coffee, off I go. Well, there I was in central Tennessee, getting my coffee, when I spied them. Oh no, nothing as civilized as backwoods, the best looking cigar there was Swisher Sweets cigarillos Tips .... $2.05 plus tax later a 5 pak was mine.

I admired the wrapper while accelerating to 85 ... beautiful textured brown paper, just like the stuff the butchers used in the old days. I lovingly removed the cello, clear as a bell, I think these cigars have aged for at least 2 weeks. I looked at the plastic tip. Hmmmm......looks like some part of a tampon or something. Quite feminine really.....not something I expect construction workers or firemen would get into. But I was cruising and I figured, hell, why not.

I pulled over, carefully avoiding the 18 wheeleres whizzing by as I made my way to the trunk. I knew it was in there someplace......I always have some.....ah, there it was in the back, I pulled it out and got back in the driver seat. Just then I heard "take a walk on the wild side" on the radio. I took the duct that that had removed from the trunk, unwrapped 8 inches, and taped it to my chest. I did it again. I grabbed the end and ripped my hairs out. I did my chest. I used the tweezers from my Swiss army knife to pluck my eyebrows. I used M&Ms to color my lips red.

I was ready.

Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side


I took a draw on the Swisher. Sweet taste of artificial flavors .... a hint of 7 year of madagascar vanilla and bubble gum asailed my senses. I lit it up.

For a second....a nanosecond really, I almost got the impression that there might actually be tobacco in the Swisher. Fleetingly brief as it was, I was not prepared for the tastes that I found in the Swisher. After half an inch I had had enough. Lynyrd Skynyrd was back on the radio, I wiped the red coloring from my lips, and I farted. The Swisher went out the window just as I saw a coal-fired power plant. The other cigars went into the garbage at my next fill up.

Visuals: Injection molded plastic tip reminiscent of tampon. Well done paper wrapper, slight texturing. To call this short filler would be an understatement. Microfiller?

Pre-light taste: Bubble gum and other fake flavors.

Initial smoke impressions: Crap, I should have bought Marlboros. I smoked it almost an inch before disgust got the best of me.

Lesson learned: Don't drive anywhere without adequate smokes."

Originally Posted by bazookajoe

I don't get it. You're bothered that some people don't care for your review style and repeatedly say how unique and sought after it is. Tom merely mentions that the style of story/hyperbole is not new, posts an example and you critique it in a not altogether pleasant way IMO. You seem to take things personally that aren't intended that way.

Here is a review written by SeanGAR years ago along the lines of what (I think) Tom was trying to show you, and one of the funniest reviews I've ever read (btw, I'm not saying this review meets all the guidelines you contend with, just pointing out as Tom did that you're not "doing something no one else is doing" since you're making a point of it):

"A walk on the wild side.....

Wednesday I faced something nobody wants to face: a 10 hour drive and only 2 small cigars (SCDH El Principe and a Gran Habano No. 5 Rothschild). I buckled down, got a crappy coffee and started my drive. A waited a full 5 minutes before breaking into the Gran Habano. Nice little cigar. 45 minutes later I started the SCDH. I know, I amazed myself at my restraint too. 85 minutes into the drive I was cigar-less. I knew I could hold out, I mean really, I don't smoke at all while I'm asleep, and that is usually 7 hours, so I can make 7 hours more driving, right?

It was somewhere in Tennessee that I broke down. I drive like this: stop only for gas when at 1/8 tank, pee, coffee, off I go. Well, there I was in central Tennessee, getting my coffee, when I spied them. Oh no, nothing as civilized as backwoods, the best looking cigar there was Swisher Sweets cigarillos Tips .... $2.05 plus tax later a 5 pak was mine.

I admired the wrapper while accelerating to 85 ... beautiful textured brown paper, just like the stuff the butchers used in the old days. I lovingly removed the cello, clear as a bell, I think these cigars have aged for at least 2 weeks. I looked at the plastic tip. Hmmmm......looks like some part of a tampon or something. Quite feminine really.....not something I expect construction workers or firemen would get into. But I was cruising and I figured, hell, why not.

I pulled over, carefully avoiding the 18 wheeleres whizzing by as I made my way to the trunk. I knew it was in there someplace......I always have some.....ah, there it was in the back, I pulled it out and got back in the driver seat. Just then I heard "take a walk on the wild side" on the radio. I took the duct that that had removed from the trunk, unwrapped 8 inches, and taped it to my chest. I did it again. I grabbed the end and ripped my hairs out. I did my chest. I used the tweezers from my Swiss army knife to pluck my eyebrows. I used M&Ms to color my lips red.

I was ready.

Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side


I took a draw on the Swisher. Sweet taste of artificial flavors .... a hint of 7 year of madagascar vanilla and bubble gum asailed my senses. I lit it up.

For a second....a nanosecond really, I almost got the impression that there might actually be tobacco in the Swisher. Fleetingly brief as it was, I was not prepared for the tastes that I found in the Swisher. After half an inch I had had enough. Lynyrd Skynyrd was back on the radio, I wiped the red coloring from my lips, and I farted. The Swisher went out the window just as I saw a coal-fired power plant. The other cigars went into the garbage at my next fill up.

Visuals: Injection molded plastic tip reminiscent of tampon. Well done paper wrapper, slight texturing. To call this short filler would be an understatement. Microfiller?

Pre-light taste: Bubble gum and other fake flavors.

Initial smoke impressions: Crap, I should have bought Marlboros. I smoked it almost an inch before disgust got the best of me.

Lesson learned: Don't drive anywhere without adequate smokes."

Very well written.
I'm not saying it correctly, I guess.
It's sort of the right place right time thing going on.
I'm getting dozens of offers to do what I do..for publication in something other than forums.
Where was this published?

[Kreth]

Originally Posted by Katmancross

I'm getting dozens of offers to do what I do..

A few more posts and we'll be into triple digits...
Posted via Mobile Device

[MajorCaptSilly]

I've received no less than 136 offers to shut up, 85 offers to never type again, and Tom asked me to pick up a pen he dropped......slowly.


MCS

[bazookajoe]

Originally Posted by Katmancross

Very well written.
I'm not saying it correctly, I guess.
It's sort of the right place right time thing going on.
I'm getting dozens of offers to do what I do..for publication in something other than forums.
Where was this published?

I don't know that it was published anywhere—I read it on CS, a forum that in a way led to the creation of this Asylum.

This is a friendly bunch and we're all adults here. Comments made about reviews or any posts really are opinions and not meant to be taken personally. I'm sure everyone hopes you are successful and make a nice living at what you do, but your style is not for everyone. There's no need to defend yourself if they say so—the forum is of no use to anyone if members aren't entitled to express their opinions (as long as they conform to forum rules about courtesy, etc.).

Originally Posted by bazookajoe

I don't know that it was published anywhere—I read it on CS, a forum that in a way led to the creation of this Asylum.

This is a friendly bunch and we're all adults here. Comments made about reviews or any posts really are opinions and not meant to be taken personally. I'm sure everyone hopes you are successful and make a nice living at what you do, but your style is not for everyone. There's no need to defend yourself if they say so—the forum is of no use to anyone if members aren't entitled to express their opinions (as long as they conform to forum rules about courtesy, etc.).

I take all creative criticism seriously. "You suck." not so much.
The ones that tell me they get confused and aren't sure what they cigar is about is a valid criticism. I've taken that to heart.
I agree with everything you say. Unfortunately, I dug a deep hole and I'm dragging everyone in with me.