Some great dirty jokes!

[WildBlueSooner]

Sorry I have been slacking on my pimping...I was on leave, so here ya go.

1)A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiance has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

2)A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there." The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little *****." "I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

3)Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

4) man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colors are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

Enjoy and have a good weekend!

[ECPrevatte]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on-0WqCB_9U

[WildBlueSooner]

Originally Posted by ECPrevatte

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on-0WqCB_9U

Those friggin crack me up

[WildBlueSooner]

Ok got a few more for you!

1)A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

2)A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldnt because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "Im sorry, I think he's too far in."

[DPD6030]

Originally Posted by WildBlueSooner

Ok got a few more for you!

1)A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

2)A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldnt because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "Im sorry, I think he's too far in."

ROFLMAO good one James

That last one made me laugh out loud.

[WildBlueSooner]

Definitely NSFW...but hilarious

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

[WildBlueSooner]

A short and sweet one!


Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

[WildBlueSooner]

whats better than a rose on your piano? tulips on my organ!

[WildBlueSooner]

One day a brunette and a blond,whom are very good friends are walking down the street and talking. Suddenly the brunettes husband walks up to her and hands her a thing of flowers,kisses her,then drives back home. The blonde friend looks at the brunette and says,"god you're so lucky,he must really love you. the way he always brings you flowers." to which the brunette reply's, "Do you know what I have to do for those flowers? I have to lay on my back every night,24/7 with my legs spread wide open and in the air." The blonde,rather confused replied, "can't you just get a vase?"

[Whee]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem with my johnson."

Doc says, "Drop your pants, let's take a look."
The man drops his pants and the doctor is surprised to see a neon orange appendage. "I think we'll need to cut it off," says the Doc.

Well, the man was not having any of that so off he went to get a second opinion. Unfortunately he got the same response.

At the third doctor, however, the doc asked him, "What do you do at you job?" "oh, I'm unemployed," replied the man.

"Well, what do you do all day?"

"Oh I just sit around all day watching adult movies and eating cheetos..."

[Genetic Defect]

Originally Posted by illinoishoosier

I go to the doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem with my johnson."

Doc says, "Drop your pants, let's take a look."
I drops my pants and the doctor is surprised to see a neon orange appendage. "I think we'll need to cut it off," says the Doc.

Well, I was not having any of that so off I went to get a second opinion. Unfortunately I got the same response.

At the third doctor, however, the doc asked me, "What do you do at you job?" "oh, I'm unemployed," I replied.

"Well, what do you do all day?"

"Oh I just sit around all day watching adult movies and eating cheetos..."

[Whee]

Originally Posted by Big Vito

Hey, now.

How did you know?

[Genetic Defect]

Originally Posted by illinoishoosier

Hey, now.

How did you know?

small circle, big mouths

[WildBlueSooner]

Nice one Sean

[WildBlueSooner]

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".
So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"
So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.
So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"
The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .
When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

[DPD6030]

Originally Posted by WildBlueSooner

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".
So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"
So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.
So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"
The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .
When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

Too Funny

[WildBlueSooner]

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

[WildBlueSooner]

A man comes home from work and tells his wife, "come on honey lets have sex". she says "you cant talk like that in front of the kids, say something like lets do the laundry or lets do the dishes". man says "ok."
Next day he comes home from work and says "ok honey lets do the laundry". wife says "ok but let me feed the kids first." so the man waits. an hour later he says "come on honey the kids are fed, lets do the laundry".
wife says "ok let me just put the kids to bed and for sure we'll do the laundry".
Couple hours go by and the wife goes up to the man and says"ok honey i'm ready lets do the laundry."the man says "thats ok, it was a small load i did it by hand."

[Starscream]

Originally Posted by WildBlueSooner

A man comes home from work and tells his wife, "come on honey lets have sex". she says "you cant talk like that in front of the kids, say something like lets do the laundry or lets do the dishes". man says "ok."
Next day he comes home from work and says "ok honey lets do the laundry". wife says "ok but let me feed the kids first." so the man waits. an hour later he says "come on honey the kids are fed, lets do the laundry".
wife says "ok let me just put the kids to bed and for sure we'll do the laundry".
Couple hours go by and the wife goes up to the man and says"ok honey i'm ready lets do the laundry."the man says "thats ok, it was a small load i did it by hand."