MassHole Driving Rules

dunng · 03-09-2009, 05:40 PM

1. Always look right and left before proceeding through a green light.

2. When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass.

3. Never, ever stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

4. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see.

5. Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

6. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.

7. Double-park in the North End of Boston and South Boston, unless triple-parking is available.

8. Always look both ways when running a red light.

9. Honk your horn the instant the light changes.

10. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.

11. If you should break down, allow your vehicle to come to a stop in the center lane. If road conditions are hazardous, exit your vehicle, without looking, and stand next to it, with your back to oncoming traffic.

12. Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.

13. To signal a lane change, look in the direction you're about to go, as you do so. Wearing a baseball cap is considered an extra safety measure.

14. Making eye contact revokes your right of way.

15. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

16. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up loudly and chase them up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.

17. On a multi-lane highway, always drive in the left lane, even if there are others wanting to pass. Stay in the left lane until the last possible instant before cutting across all lanes to the exit.

18. When making a left turn at an intersection with a red light, glare at the oncoming drivers, inch your way into the intersection, and floor it when the green light from the other direction turns yellow.

19. When merging, floor it, as you hit the "on ramp" and proceed immediately to the furthest left hand lane.

20. When road conditions are hazardous, swerve in and out of lanes, to pass slower moving vehicles.

21. Communicating with other drivers and pedestrians is important. Gesture often.

22. The furthest right lane is reserved for passing. The furthest left lane is reserved for slower moving vehicles.

23. Always bring your cell phone with you. Highway driving is a perfect time to chat with your friends and loved ones.

24. If you miss your exit, stop abruptly and back up.

25. When another car pulls up close behind you and "flashes their brights", slam on your breaks.

26. When entering a tunnel, always slow down and pause before entering, even if there is no traffic or reason for delay.

27. When faced with a lane detour, due to construction, always pass as many complying vehicles as possible, wait until the last possible second, then swerve into the specified lane.

28. Be prepared for abundant construction detours.

29. Taxi Cab drivers are highly trained professionals. Observe and learn from their masterful techniques and driving skills.

30. Only those pedestrians not looking where they're going, head and eyes fixed firmly forward, are allowed to cross in front of traffic. Be sure to "break" hard and stop as close to them as possible.

* Tip: Only pedestrians crossing within "Cross Walks" have legal rights. Pedestrians outside of "Cross Walks" are "fair game".

WildBlueSooner · 03-09-2009, 05:53 PM

8. Always look both ways when running a red light.

Crucial! Nice list!

MedicCook · 03-09-2009, 06:58 PM

I have dealt with more than one of these when I have driven into Boston.

G G · 03-09-2009, 07:02 PM

Uh, I think Florida has a lot of massholes that have either retired here or immigrated then.

shilala · 03-09-2009, 07:22 PM

Some dickwad from Arizona pulled a trailer out in front of me the other day.
I know it wasn't just me, cause he blew right into the oncoming lane and had tires screeching for a half mile.
He started this procedure by pulling halway out in the road, stopping traffic in my lane.
We don't drive like that here. And I'm thankful for it.

taltos · 03-10-2009, 07:50 AM

Greg, is the next set of rules the Masshole Rules for Rotaries and Yield Signs?

md4958 · 03-10-2009, 08:01 AM

This read like our ride out to Boston for NERF last weekend!!

03-10-2009, 08:04 AM

Sounds a lot like Detroit driving.

Silound · 03-10-2009, 08:32 AM

I would say that it sounds a lot like Louisiana driving, but to be honest the roads are so bad here, we all drive massive trucks and SUV's and make our own roads

stearns · 03-10-2009, 08:52 AM

wait wait WAIT!!... this isnt how everyone drives? no wonder i get strange looks when im in VA

stearns

dunng · 03-10-2009, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stearns

wait wait WAIT!!... this isnt how everyone drives? no wonder i get strange looks when im in VA

stearns

Especially when you plow into the randomly placed rotary at full speed!

Kreth · 03-10-2009, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shilala

We don't drive like that here. And I'm thankful for it.

With good reason. PA's motto should be "The Orange Flag State."

03-10-2009, 10:08 AM

shilala · 03-10-2009, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kreth

With good reason. PA's motto should be "The Orange Flag State."

People are even courteous in Pittsburgh. It's awesome.
I suppose we do have to be more careful because of all the road work. Plus if you run over a couple people they actually have penalties for that.
In Massholia, they give you a medal.

Kreth · 03-10-2009, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shilala

People are even courteous in Pittsburgh. It's awesome.
I suppose we do have to be more careful because of all the road work.

It's been a long time since I was down in Pittsburgh, but I don't think I've ever driven through the Scranton/Wilkes Barre area without hitting major construction.

Quote:

Plus if you run over a couple people they actually have penalties for that.
In Massholia, they give you a medal.

I think it's actually a requirement for a CDL in Mass.

And don't get me started on Jersey drivers...

DPD6030 · 03-10-2009, 12:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WildBlueSooner

8. Always look both ways when running a red light.

Crucial! Nice list!

Especially if I'm behind you...

03-11-2009, 02:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hardcz

Sounds a lot like Detroit driving.

Agree 100%

gnukfu · 03-11-2009, 03:52 AM

Ummmmm Greg, why is this in the jokes section? Shouldn't this be in General Discussion so others can learn the rules of the road?

Tio Gato · 03-11-2009, 04:29 PM

Too Funny!

I like to save my cigar ash as long as possible just in case some DB from NY driving a convertible is behind me flashing his lights because he's in a hurry to get "to the Cape".

taltos · 03-11-2009, 06:22 PM

Some of these rules are for our own protection since we have so many truck drivers from Quebec down here causing accidents and trying to destroy our bridges and tunnels.

03-09-2009, 05:40 PM	#1
dunng MassHole Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Greg Location: MassHole Posts: 4,719 Trading: (59)	MassHole Driving Rules 1. Always look right and left before proceeding through a green light. 2. When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass. 3. Never, ever stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car. 4. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. 5. Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. 6. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork. 7. Double-park in the North End of Boston and South Boston, unless triple-parking is available. 8. Always look both ways when running a red light. 9. Honk your horn the instant the light changes. 10. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in. 11. If you should break down, allow your vehicle to come to a stop in the center lane. If road conditions are hazardous, exit your vehicle, without looking, and stand next to it, with your back to oncoming traffic. 12. Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. 13. To signal a lane change, look in the direction you're about to go, as you do so. Wearing a baseball cap is considered an extra safety measure. 14. Making eye contact revokes your right of way. 15. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. 16. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up loudly and chase them up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights. 17. On a multi-lane highway, always drive in the left lane, even if there are others wanting to pass. Stay in the left lane until the last possible instant before cutting across all lanes to the exit. 18. When making a left turn at an intersection with a red light, glare at the oncoming drivers, inch your way into the intersection, and floor it when the green light from the other direction turns yellow. 19. When merging, floor it, as you hit the "on ramp" and proceed immediately to the furthest left hand lane. 20. When road conditions are hazardous, swerve in and out of lanes, to pass slower moving vehicles. 21. Communicating with other drivers and pedestrians is important. Gesture often. 22. The furthest right lane is reserved for passing. The furthest left lane is reserved for slower moving vehicles. 23. Always bring your cell phone with you. Highway driving is a perfect time to chat with your friends and loved ones. 24. If you miss your exit, stop abruptly and back up. 25. When another car pulls up close behind you and "flashes their brights", slam on your breaks. 26. When entering a tunnel, always slow down and pause before entering, even if there is no traffic or reason for delay. 27. When faced with a lane detour, due to construction, always pass as many complying vehicles as possible, wait until the last possible second, then swerve into the specified lane. 28. Be prepared for abundant construction detours. 29. Taxi Cab drivers are highly trained professionals. Observe and learn from their masterful techniques and driving skills. 30. Only those pedestrians not looking where they're going, head and eyes fixed firmly forward, are allowed to cross in front of traffic. Be sure to "break" hard and stop as close to them as possible. * Tip: Only pedestrians crossing within "Cross Walks" have legal rights. Pedestrians outside of "Cross Walks" are "fair game". __________________ MassHole Banter

03-09-2009, 05:53 PM	#2
WildBlueSooner I'm nuts for the place Join Date: Feb 2009 First Name: James Location: Lexington, KY Posts: 3,322 Trading: (19)	Re: MassHole Driving Rules 8. Always look both ways when running a red light. Crucial! Nice list! __________________ "To dilute the will to win is to destroy the purpose of the game. There is no substitute for victory"-- Douglas MacArthur

03-09-2009, 06:58 PM	#3
MedicCook Mila smoked my cigar Join Date: Jan 2009 First Name: Ryan Location: Schaghticoke, NY Posts: 10,946 Trading: (7)	Re: MassHole Driving Rules I have dealt with more than one of these when I have driven into Boston.

03-09-2009, 07:02 PM	#4
G G BR549 Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Greg Location: Taylor, FL. Posts: 12,701 Trading: (10)	Re: MassHole Driving Rules Uh, I think Florida has a lot of massholes that have either retired here or immigrated then.

03-09-2009, 07:22 PM	#5
shilala Dear Lord, Thank You. Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Scott Posts: 13,721 Trading: (252)	Re: MassHole Driving Rules Some dickwad from Arizona pulled a trailer out in front of me the other day. I know it wasn't just me, cause he blew right into the oncoming lane and had tires screeching for a half mile. He started this procedure by pulling halway out in the road, stopping traffic in my lane. We don't drive like that here. And I'm thankful for it. __________________

03-10-2009, 07:50 AM	#6
taltos Really, really old Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Paul Location: Saugus, MA Posts: 2,486 Trading: (3)	Re: MassHole Driving Rules Greg, is the next set of rules the Masshole Rules for Rotaries and Yield Signs? __________________ Jimmy, some of its magic, some of its tragic, but I had a good life all the way. He Went to Paris, J. Buffett

03-10-2009, 08:01 AM	#7
md4958 Captain Cannoli Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Moe Location: Suffield, CT Posts: 5,712 Trading: (62)	Re: MassHole Driving Rules This read like our ride out to Boston for NERF last weekend!! __________________ "One fart can foul the air for everyone" - Esteemed philosopher "If avoiding the nasty $hit is being a snob, them I am guilty as charged."- Same esteemed philosopher.

03-10-2009, 08:04 AM	#8
Hardcz Guest Posts: n/a	Re: MassHole Driving Rules Sounds a lot like Detroit driving.

03-10-2009, 08:32 AM	#9
Silound ex-CS Swamp Gorilla Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Somewhere in a swamp, south of sanity Posts: 802 Trading: (15)	Re: MassHole Driving Rules I would say that it sounds a lot like Louisiana driving, but to be honest the roads are so bad here, we all drive massive trucks and SUV's and make our own roads __________________ Back in black, and better than ever! You can't keep a good gorilla down! LSU Geaux Tigers!

03-10-2009, 08:52 AM	#10
stearns Dogbert Consultant Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Ben Location: Park Hill Posts: 5,347 Trading: (50)	Re: MassHole Driving Rules wait wait WAIT!!... this isnt how everyone drives? no wonder i get strange looks when im in VA stearns __________________ "Ignoring all the racket of conventional reality" - Keller Williams

03-10-2009, 10:08 AM	#13
mrreindeer Guest Posts: n/a	Re: MassHole Driving Rules

03-11-2009, 03:52 AM	#18
gnukfu I like cigars Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: George Location: Massholia Posts: 1,466 Trading: (27)	Re: MassHole Driving Rules Ummmmm Greg, why is this in the jokes section? Shouldn't this be in General Discussion so others can learn the rules of the road? __________________ Curious George

03-11-2009, 04:29 PM	#19
Tio Gato Uncle Kitty Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Jeff Location: Casa Grande, AZ Posts: 2,075 Trading: (11)	Re: MassHole Driving Rules Too Funny! I like to save my cigar ash as long as possible just in case some DB from NY driving a convertible is behind me flashing his lights because he's in a hurry to get "to the Cape". __________________ "You stink like cigars Uncle Kitty!" Said my Boo age 3. "Kid, take care of your family and the hell with anyone else" My Grandpa Bubba.

03-11-2009, 06:22 PM	#20
taltos Really, really old Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Paul Location: Saugus, MA Posts: 2,486 Trading: (3)	Re: MassHole Driving Rules Some of these rules are for our own protection since we have so many truck drivers from Quebec down here causing accidents and trying to destroy our bridges and tunnels. __________________ Jimmy, some of its magic, some of its tragic, but I had a good life all the way. He Went to Paris, J. Buffett