Cigar Asylum Cigar Forum  

Go Back   Cigar Asylum Cigar Forum > Non Cigar Specialty Forums > Misc > Jokes

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-13-2008, 12:43 PM   #1
Darrell
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Personal Trainer

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave
me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful
way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She
said some other **** too.

THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
DAMN barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted
me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-13-2008, 12:48 PM   #2
markem
Bunion
 
markem's Avatar
16
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
First Name: Mark
Location: Second Star on the Right
Posts: 22,462
Trading: (47)
HUpmann
markem has disabled reputation
Default Re: Personal Trainer

I didn't know that Gerry went by Belinda at the gym ...
__________________
I refuse to belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
~ Groucho Marx
markem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-13-2008, 12:53 PM   #3
zemekone
im hungry...
 
zemekone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
First Name: geRRy
Location: So*Cal...
Posts: 1,244
Trading: (0)
ERdM
zemekone has disabled reputation
Default Re: Personal Trainer

Quote:
Originally Posted by vstrommark View Post
I didn't know that Gerry went by Belinda at the gym ...
thats my stage name!
__________________
A Person that says something cant be done, shouldn't interrupt me actually EFFing doing it!
zemekone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-13-2008, 01:20 PM   #4
ahc4353
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: Personal Trainer

I don't read books this long.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2008, 01:29 PM   #5
Darrell
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: Personal Trainer

Quote:
Originally Posted by ahc4353 View Post
I don't read books this long.
You can read?
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2008, 02:59 PM   #6
Le Petite Amore
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: Personal Trainer

Quote:
Originally Posted by zemekone View Post
thats my stage name!
Well, I hear you DO dress the part.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:20 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All content is copyrighted jointly by Cigar Asylum and the content provider.