Funny can be clean......

G G · 09-18-2009, 07:26 AM

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up, 'she purred,' and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter, 'she said.' Just get out.'

********************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this? 'the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

************************************ ***********
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'' Thank God, 'said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful, 'he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

************************************************** *************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber shear-Ed off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

DonniePaul · 09-18-2009, 08:19 AM

Thank you. I really needed a laugh this morning.

I especially like this one

Quote:

Originally Posted by ggainey

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful, 'he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Man I have been there......

shilala · 09-18-2009, 08:28 AM

"Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'' Thank God, 'said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay."

I laughed so hard it took five minutes to compose myself to call Lisa and tell her. As soon as she composes herself she's calling her sister.

kelmac07 · 09-18-2009, 09:28 AM

Good ones!!

Steve · 09-18-2009, 09:32 AM

Nice!

G G · 09-18-2009, 09:34 AM

It makes my day to see that this brought some cheer your way.

Starscream · 09-20-2009, 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DonniePaul

Man I have been there......

I'm the backseat driver in my family.

09-18-2009, 07:26 AM	#1
G G BR549 Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Greg Location: Taylor, FL. Posts: 12,701 Trading: (10)	Funny can be clean...... One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up, 'she purred,' and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing. *************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter, 'she said.' Just get out.' **************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this? 'the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' ******************************** ******* Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'' Thank God, 'said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay. **************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful, 'he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ********************************************** *********** Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber shear-Ed off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

09-18-2009, 08:28 AM	#3
shilala Dear Lord, Thank You. Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Scott Posts: 13,721 Trading: (252)	Re: Funny can be clean...... "Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'' Thank God, 'said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay." I laughed so hard it took five minutes to compose myself to call Lisa and tell her. As soon as she composes herself she's calling her sister. __________________

09-18-2009, 09:28 AM	#4
kelmac07 Resident Maduro Whore!! Join Date: Apr 2009 First Name: Mac Location: Newport News, VA Posts: 27,322 Trading: (218)	Re: Funny can be clean...... Good ones!! __________________ Dom in the MLB thread "I could probably get you to wear a Yankee hat for a Maduro!"

09-18-2009, 09:32 AM	#5
Steve Dad Jokester Supreme Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Steve Location: 17 R 435648 3354895 Posts: 7,715 Trading: (6)	Re: Funny can be clean...... Nice! __________________ ...So don't sit upon the shoreline and say you're satisfied, Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance that tide

09-18-2009, 09:34 AM	#6
G G BR549 Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Greg Location: Taylor, FL. Posts: 12,701 Trading: (10)	Re: Funny can be clean...... It makes my day to see that this brought some cheer your way.