Smart Answers

kydsid · 08-31-2009, 06:59 AM

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,

“Got stuck, eh?”

The lorry driver said, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!”

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

“Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the raised his hand and asked,

“What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said:

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

G G · 08-31-2009, 07:04 AM

Skywalker · 08-31-2009, 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kydsid

...with your other hand'.

kelmac07 · 08-31-2009, 08:58 AM

Good ones!!

Steve · 08-31-2009, 10:09 AM

MedicCook · 08-31-2009, 10:19 AM

DPD6030 · 08-31-2009, 12:32 PM

That last one is a good one!

DonniePaul · 09-01-2009, 07:54 AM

Funny Stuff!

chippewastud79 · 09-01-2009, 08:00 AM

That last one is the best

dunng · 09-01-2009, 08:14 AM

BlackDog · 09-01-2009, 09:37 AM

Great jokes!

elderboy02 · 09-01-2009, 09:45 AM

Awesome stuff!

08-31-2009, 06:59 AM	#1
kydsid Ditat Deus Join Date: Apr 2009 First Name: Jason Location: Among the Pines Posts: 2,361 Trading: (46)	Smart Answers It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.' A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.' The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, “Got stuck, eh?” The lorry driver said, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!” A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. “Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-arsed guy at the back of the raised his hand and asked, “What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said: 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'. __________________ Check out the Cigar Asylum Newbie Sampler Trade

08-31-2009, 07:04 AM	#2
G G BR549 Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Greg Location: Taylor, FL. Posts: 12,701 Trading: (10)	Re: Smart Answers

08-31-2009, 08:58 AM	#4
kelmac07 Resident Maduro Whore!! Join Date: Apr 2009 First Name: Mac Location: Newport News, VA Posts: 27,322 Trading: (218)	Re: Smart Answers Good ones!! __________________ Dom in the MLB thread "I could probably get you to wear a Yankee hat for a Maduro!"

08-31-2009, 10:09 AM	#5
Steve Dad Jokester Supreme Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Steve Location: 17 R 435648 3354895 Posts: 7,715 Trading: (6)	Re: Smart Answers __________________ ...So don't sit upon the shoreline and say you're satisfied, Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance that tide

08-31-2009, 10:19 AM	#6
MedicCook Mila smoked my cigar Join Date: Jan 2009 First Name: Ryan Location: Schaghticoke, NY Posts: 10,946 Trading: (7)	Re: Smart Answers __________________ 27 World Series Championship's "If your wife doesn't like the aroma of your cigar, change your wife.", Zino Davidoff

08-31-2009, 12:32 PM	#7
DPD6030 Shepard of the sheeple Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Andrew Location: The Mitten Posts: 7,166 Trading: (151)	Re: Smart Answers That last one is a good one!

09-01-2009, 07:54 AM	#8
DonniePaul It's Cigar O' Clock! Join Date: Jul 2009 First Name: Don Location: North Haven CT Posts: 253 Trading: (4)	Re: Smart Answers Funny Stuff! __________________ You don't make salad with a chainsaw

09-01-2009, 08:00 AM	#9
chippewastud79 Fatter than you! Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Larry Location: A little place called home. Posts: 5,397 Trading: (44)	Re: Smart Answers That last one is the best __________________ If we weren't supposed to eat animals, then how come they're made of meat? You can never have too many cigars, they are like an investment in good times.

09-01-2009, 08:14 AM	#10
dunng MassHole Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Greg Location: MassHole Posts: 4,719 Trading: (59)	Re: Smart Answers __________________ MassHole Banter

09-01-2009, 09:37 AM	#11
BlackDog Gonna make you groove... Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Warren Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 2,468 Trading: (19)	Re: Smart Answers Great jokes! __________________ "We live in the good of this."

09-01-2009, 09:45 AM	#12
elderboy02 Lets Go Buckeyes! Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Dan Location: Cincinnati, OH Posts: 12,495 Trading: (133)	Re: Smart Answers Awesome stuff!