Could use some help.

CoreyD · 06-03-2011, 10:48 PM

So from what I have seen from the brothers and sisters here is not only compassion but that we all come from a diverse opinion and knowledge. I have been in works for years setting myself in the wonderful world of self speech helping others through my words, either from experiences to presentations to education. Have had many dreams in sleep of nationally speaking from small crowds to large and one day began developing a website. Well from starting back in early February I have finally decided to reach out for help to take myself past this roadblock of designing and reach out and get some opinions say it. My feelings will not get crushed. I work well with others.
Tell me what you think. Most of it is still in design but figured its time for help. I am by far an English major or great typer, my words and knowledge is through my mouth.
http://coreydittel.com/

Emjaysmash · 06-03-2011, 10:56 PM

I like the design, but I'll tell you that the paragraphs in the "about" and "home page" section need re-writing.

pnoon · 06-03-2011, 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emjaysmash

I like the design, but I'll tell you that the paragraphs in the "about me" and "homepage" section need re-writing.

Agreed.

And get rid of the third person form. Very impersonal and distant. It should be written in the first person.

CoreyD · 06-03-2011, 11:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emjaysmash

I like the design, but I'll tell you that the paragraphs in the "about" and "home page" section need re-writing.

As in punctuation? Or rewrite in general?

Quote:

Originally Posted by pnoon

And get rid of the third person form. Very impersonal and distant. It should be written in the first person.

On Home or about?

I thank You both for feedback. Selling yourself about yourself is one of the hardest things to do. Its easier to people that know me and have seen my work or have heard me speak, or just know what I've been through and am about.But to open it up on a professional level without the schooling besides life as my backbone it makes it a difficult journey that makes it to where all I can do ask ask the lord and people for help, therefore making me swallow my humility and be humble as I grow. Which is the hardest thing for me to do. Its like I can give but is hard to receive sometimes.

Emjaysmash · 06-03-2011, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CoreyD

As in punctuation? Or rewrite in general?

Both.

pnoon · 06-03-2011, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CoreyD

On Home or about?

Both.

G G · 06-04-2011, 05:11 AM

I think it's an awesome thing Corey. I agree with MJ and Peter that you need to go 1st person.

06-04-2011, 05:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ggainey

I think it's an awesome thing Corey. I agree with MJ and Peter that you need to go 1st person.

Yep

RevSmoke · 06-04-2011, 07:35 AM

I like the idea Corey, that you want to share your struggles to help other through theirs - a laudable goal

As for what you have written on your "home" page and "about" page your punctuation and writing need some work. Getting rid of the 3rd person approach is just the beginning. When you write on a forum such as this, you can get away with just writing and posting. A couple punctuation mistakes or mistypings are not a problem.

If you want to get speaking engagements, you need to sell yourself on your website. OK, you are someone who not only has a story to tell, but you must entice them into thinking that you also tell it in an engaging way.

Your website is your sales pitch, what does it say about you? It isn't just if your story is interesting, but it is your putting together phrases and your use of grammar, that will be selling points. If you want to be a speaker, you also need to be able to communicate clearly in written form, and most people cannot just write, shooting from the hip - but they think they can speak, shooting from the hip.

Here's a thought. Make your changes, then go through and read it as if you know nothing about who you are or what you are trying to do or say.

Peace of the Lord be with you.

pnoon · 06-04-2011, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RevSmoke

I like the idea Corey, that you want to share your struggles to help other through theirs - a laudable goal

As for what you have written on your "home" page and "about" page your punctuation and writing need some work. Getting rid of the 3rd person approach is just the beginning. When you write on a forum such as this, you can get away with just writing and posting. A couple punctuation mistakes or mistypings are not a problem.

If you want to get speaking engagements, you need to sell yourself on your website. OK, you are someone who not only has a story to tell, but you must entice them into thinking that you also tell it in an engaging way.

Your website is your sales pitch, what does it say about you? It isn't just if your story is interesting, but it is your putting together phrases and your use of grammar, that will be selling points. If you want to be a speaker, you also need to be able to communicate clearly in written form, and most people cannot just write, shooting from the hip - but they think they can speak, shooting from the hip.

Here's a thought. Make your changes, then go through and read it as if you know nothing about who you are or what you are trying to do or say.

Peace of the Lord be with you.

Excellent advice.

alexa071 · 06-04-2011, 07:43 AM

Quote:

vision to travel and talk to youth ... Giving them opportunity to explore themselves

You might want to SPECIFICALLY rewrite this passage in your "about" section. I understand what you are trying to say but it comes across as a bit creepy.

Quote:

What makes Corey different from other speaks? Answer is simple, he's Corey.

I think you need to set yourself apart more than just saying that you are a different person. Your arguments following that statement could use some bolstering.

Also... count me in for changing to 1st person and there are a lot of spelling and grammatical errors that need to be fixed.

Good luck!

Randy

CoreyD · 06-04-2011, 07:48 AM

Thank You for your feedback Todd and Randy, I appreciate it.
Hehehe you said creepy.

Eleven · 06-04-2011, 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CoreyD

I am by far an English major or great typer, my words and knowledge is through my mouth.
http://coreydittel.com/

The one thing I see, in your posts here and on your website is the "unusual" syntax of sentences. Is English your native language?

If not, maybe the best thing is to convey your thoughts to someone to put into a more traditional english language format.

And yea, get rid of the 3rd person format.

mosesbotbol · 06-04-2011, 02:31 PM

Are you going to provide examples of things you have overcome and tips for the first time viewer they can use?

06-03-2011, 10:48 PM	#1
CoreyD Licking my wounds Join Date: Oct 2010 First Name: Corey Location: NE Wisconsin Posts: 1,468 Trading: (23)	Could use some help. So from what I have seen from the brothers and sisters here is not only compassion but that we all come from a diverse opinion and knowledge. I have been in works for years setting myself in the wonderful world of self speech helping others through my words, either from experiences to presentations to education. Have had many dreams in sleep of nationally speaking from small crowds to large and one day began developing a website. Well from starting back in early February I have finally decided to reach out for help to take myself past this roadblock of designing and reach out and get some opinions say it. My feelings will not get crushed. I work well with others. Tell me what you think. Most of it is still in design but figured its time for help. I am by far an English major or great typer, my words and knowledge is through my mouth. http://coreydittel.com/ __________________ Serenity - 1. A disposition free from stress or emotion. 2. The absence of mental stress or anxiety

06-03-2011, 10:56 PM	#2
Emjaysmash The Hebrew Hammer Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: M.J. Location: Milwaukee, WI Posts: 7,025 Trading: (76)	Re: Could use some help. I like the design, but I'll tell you that the paragraphs in the "about" and "home page" section need re-writing. __________________

06-04-2011, 05:11 AM	#7
G G BR549 Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Greg Location: Taylor, FL. Posts: 12,701 Trading: (10)	Re: Could use some help. I think it's an awesome thing Corey. I agree with MJ and Peter that you need to go 1st person.

06-04-2011, 07:35 AM	#9
RevSmoke Ain't Never Gonna Leave Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Todd Location: Northcentral woods of Wisconsin Posts: 6,806 Trading: (51)	Re: Could use some help. I like the idea Corey, that you want to share your struggles to help other through theirs - a laudable goal As for what you have written on your "home" page and "about" page your punctuation and writing need some work. Getting rid of the 3rd person approach is just the beginning. When you write on a forum such as this, you can get away with just writing and posting. A couple punctuation mistakes or mistypings are not a problem. If you want to get speaking engagements, you need to sell yourself on your website. OK, you are someone who not only has a story to tell, but you must entice them into thinking that you also tell it in an engaging way. Your website is your sales pitch, what does it say about you? It isn't just if your story is interesting, but it is your putting together phrases and your use of grammar, that will be selling points. If you want to be a speaker, you also need to be able to communicate clearly in written form, and most people cannot just write, shooting from the hip - but they think they can speak, shooting from the hip. Here's a thought. Make your changes, then go through and read it as if you know nothing about who you are or what you are trying to do or say. Peace of the Lord be with you. __________________ Todd__ "Smoke what you like, and enjoy it!"

06-04-2011, 07:48 AM	#12
CoreyD Licking my wounds Join Date: Oct 2010 First Name: Corey Location: NE Wisconsin Posts: 1,468 Trading: (23)	Re: Could use some help. Thank You for your feedback Todd and Randy, I appreciate it. Hehehe you said creepy. __________________ Serenity - 1. A disposition free from stress or emotion. 2. The absence of mental stress or anxiety

06-04-2011, 02:31 PM	#14
mosesbotbol That's a Corgi Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Moses Location: Boston Posts: 6,170 Trading: (6)	Re: Could use some help. Are you going to provide examples of things you have overcome and tips for the first time viewer they can use? __________________ Port Wine & Claret \| British Cars \| Welsh Corgi's