email I got this morning

poker · 03-12-2009, 09:10 AM

Got this from a client. Might be old news, but I thought it was funny.

Employee Memo:

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown
of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to
put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement..
This scheme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be
eligible for the S.H.A.F.T. scheme (Special Help After Forced
Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be
reviewed under the S.C.R.E.W. program (Scheme Covering Retired
Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and
SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for
Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who
have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further
by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as
much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of S.H.I.T.
it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive
enough S.H.I.T., please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.
They have been instructed to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Management

shilala · 03-12-2009, 09:12 AM

hehe

hotreds · 03-12-2009, 09:18 AM

Sounds about right!

03-12-2009, 09:28 AM

03-12-2009, 09:37 AM

that's great stuff!

Mugen910 · 03-12-2009, 09:37 AM

sooo wrong but soo funny.

SmokeyJoe · 03-12-2009, 09:41 AM

Thanks for the laugh, Kelly... I had not seen that before.

galaga · 03-12-2009, 09:43 AM

Sounds about right Kelly LOL, SNAFU.

ps shouldn't it be for workers over 50 in your case?

N2Advnture · 03-12-2009, 09:45 AM

too funny Kelly!

taltos · 03-12-2009, 09:49 AM

It would be hilarious if it were not so true.

WildBlueSooner · 03-12-2009, 09:53 AM

hahahaha!

karmaz00 · 03-12-2009, 11:29 AM

good one

ucla695 · 03-12-2009, 07:11 PM

Great one!

dunng · 03-12-2009, 07:12 PM

CBI_2 · 03-12-2009, 08:35 PM

Funny chit man.

G G · 03-12-2009, 08:37 PM

RUNYYFan · 06-29-2014, 10:24 AM

For those who may be a few years removed from this...
Well defined.

03-12-2009, 09:10 AM	#1
poker 1:11 Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Kelly Location: SoCal Posts: 5,280 Trading: (7)	email I got this morning Got this from a client. Might be old news, but I thought it was funny. Employee Memo: Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.. This scheme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the S.H.A.F.T. scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the S.C.R.E.W. program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of S.H.I.T. it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T., please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been instructed to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Sincerely, The Management __________________ Cigar Asylum: A cigar board birthed without agendas, without profiting, and without advertisements. Amor puro Character is what you do when no one is watching

03-12-2009, 09:12 AM	#2
shilala Dear Lord, Thank You. Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Scott Posts: 13,721 Trading: (252)	Re: email I got this morning hehe __________________

03-12-2009, 09:18 AM	#3
hotreds Ephesians 2:8 Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 5 miles past "Resume Speed" Posts: 11,658 Trading: (63)	Re: email I got this morning Sounds about right! __________________ God loves you so much, that he made you read this, just to let you know.

03-12-2009, 09:28 AM	#4
mrreindeer Guest Posts: n/a	Re: email I got this morning

03-12-2009, 09:37 AM	#5
uptown_isy Guest Posts: n/a	Re: email I got this morning that's great stuff!

03-12-2009, 09:37 AM	#6
Mugen910 I <3 Huy Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Location Location: First Name Posts: 8,387 Trading: (106)	Re: email I got this morning sooo wrong but soo funny. __________________ I'm not antisocial, I just think people are stupid.

03-12-2009, 09:41 AM	#7
SmokeyJoe Chief Wannastogie Lounge Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Joe Location: Raleigh, NC Posts: 3,160 Trading: (28)	Re: email I got this morning Thanks for the laugh, Kelly... I had not seen that before. __________________ "I intend to smoke a good cigar to the glory of God..." ~ Charles H. Spurgeon, British Baptist preacher

03-12-2009, 09:43 AM	#8
galaga Just call me Slappy. Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 1,832 Trading: (3)	Re: email I got this morning Sounds about right Kelly LOL, SNAFU. ps shouldn't it be for workers over 50 in your case? __________________ I may be easy, but I'm sure as hell ain't cheap....

03-12-2009, 09:45 AM	#9
N2Advnture www.Cigarmony.com Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 642 Trading: (43)	Re: email I got this morning too funny Kelly! __________________ Home of the patented Humidity Bead System® humidifiers www.HBSHumidifiers.com

03-12-2009, 09:49 AM	#10
taltos Really, really old Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Paul Location: Saugus, MA Posts: 2,486 Trading: (3)	Re: email I got this morning It would be hilarious if it were not so true. __________________ Jimmy, some of its magic, some of its tragic, but I had a good life all the way. He Went to Paris, J. Buffett

03-12-2009, 09:53 AM	#11
WildBlueSooner I'm nuts for the place Join Date: Feb 2009 First Name: James Location: Lexington, KY Posts: 3,322 Trading: (19)	Re: email I got this morning hahahaha! __________________ "To dilute the will to win is to destroy the purpose of the game. There is no substitute for victory"-- Douglas MacArthur

03-12-2009, 11:29 AM	#12
karmaz00 Habanos Join Date: Dec 2008 First Name: Jason Location: victoria Posts: 1,855 Trading: (1)	Re: email I got this morning good one __________________ Habanos Collector Since 2003

03-12-2009, 07:11 PM	#13
ucla695 Neither here, nor there Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: The Pool Posts: 3,696 Trading: (5)	Re: email I got this morning Great one!

03-12-2009, 07:12 PM	#14
dunng MassHole Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Greg Location: MassHole Posts: 4,719 Trading: (59)	Re: email I got this morning __________________ MassHole Banter

03-12-2009, 08:35 PM	#15
CBI_2 Have My Own Room Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Paul Location: In my skin. Posts: 2,066 Trading: (0)	Re: email I got this morning Funny chit man. __________________ "The welfare of humanity is always the alibi of tyrants." Albert Camus Cool Cigar Themed Stuff

03-12-2009, 08:37 PM	#16
G G BR549 Join Date: Oct 2008 First Name: Greg Location: Taylor, FL. Posts: 12,701 Trading: (10)	Re: email I got this morning

06-29-2014, 10:24 AM	#17
RUNYYFan Life, Liberty, Happiness Join Date: Feb 2010 First Name: Marc Location: Splitting time between Dayton, NJ and Needmore, PA Posts: 360 Trading: (0)	Re: email I got this morning For those who may be a few years removed from this... Well defined. __________________ Marc Fear is the dark room in which negatives are developed. - Anon.