EMAILS FROM AN A$$HOLE (I didn't say Ma$$hole)

must stop....

CAN'T

must stop....

CAN'T

sorry

[yourchoice]

OMG, this website is hysterical...LOL <-- literally.

[Steve]

Basic Life Skills!!!

Basic Life Skills!

omg...

I already told Tim that he got the job. Please don't make me have to give him the bad news.

Well, I hope you are happy. I had to tell Tim that you weren't willing to give him a second chance. Tim got so angry that he tried to stab me with a fountain pen. Needless to say, that was considered a violation of his parole and he has been sent back to his correctional facility to serve the remainder of his sentence. You essentially ruined Tim's life, after he was ready to get back on the right track. You are a horrible person.
Mike

[GKitty]

omg, this site makes me need a laughing so hard I'm crying smiley.

*insert tearful laughter here*

Originally Posted by GKitty

omg, this site makes me need a laughing so hard I'm crying smiley.

*insert tearful laughter here*

TOTALLY!

From Brian ****** to Me:

How much sh!t are you bringing dude? Are you trying to move to Chicago? I said I have a Civic... not a moving van.

From Me to Brian ******:

I'm not bringing that much stuff, just my clothes, weedwhacker, mini-fridge, and TV. You said you had room for my stuff...now you don't? I don't understand. Does this mean we can't take my recliner either?

crying, rolling, crying

I've been cracking up here at work. Nice find.

Hahahahaha...

From Me to **********@********.org:

Hey!

I live in the area and am also looking for a good time with no strings attached. I am a 37 year old man who just likes having some fun. How about you come over and we watch a movie and have some wine? You down?

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

Hi mike! Of course I am down for some fun Do you have any pics of yourself?

From Karen ******** to Me:

Mike are you still there? I havent heard from you!

From Me to Karen ********:

STAY THE [PHUCK] AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND.

From Karen ******** to Me:

umm...what?

From Me to Karen ********:

YOU HEARD ME, YOU WHORE. THIS IS MIKE'S WIFE. HE DIDN'T TELL YOU HE WAS MARRIED, DID HE, YOU [PHUCKING] [SLLLUT]!

From Karen ******** to Me:

huh I swear he didn't say anything about that! I'm sorry! I won't write again!

From Me to Karen ********:

Karen,

It is Mike. What the hell did you say to my wife? She found out about us! She is packing her stuff and talking about a divorce. What did you do?!

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I responded to YOUR email that's it! Maybe you shouldn't let your wife check your email! Lastly there is no "us"! I wouldn't screw around with a married man! Shame on you for cheating on your wife!

From Me to Karen ********:

Karen,

Look, I'm sorry, I should have told you about my wife. I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.

Now I managed to calm my wife down. She was willing to hear my side of the story. I told her you were an old girlfriend from high school that was still obsessed with me, and I was trying to get rid of you. She believes me, but she wants to kick your a$$. Would you be able to come over here and let my wife kick your ass? Don't worry, she doesn't hit that hard. Just pretend it hurts. I'll give you $20 if you can do this for me.

Please help me out here!

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

why would you tell her that!!!!! just be honest and accept what you did!! no I wont go over there to get beat up are you out of your mind????

From Me to Karen ********:

Please Karen! If she divorces me, I am screwed. I made the mistake of not signing a prenuptial agreement when we got married, and now she is talking about taking everything! She even wants to take my Plasma TV! That TV is my world. It is like a son to me. Please don't let her do this. Just come over and let her kick your a$$. Do it for me, Karen.

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I'm sorry but this is not my fault at all. I can't help you.

From Me to Karen ********:

****. Well are you still down for a good time with dinner and a movie?

From Karen ******** to Me:

absolutely not.

From Me to Karen ********:

So you ruin my life, and now you won't even go out on a date with me? Thanks a lot, Karen. Next time why don't you add "WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE" next to your personal ad?

Just to be clear for you new readers of this great website, the ME is not ME....this is not MY site, it's just one that I really really really wish was mine. Just kiddin.

[yourchoice]

More great stuff. This guy is hysterical. ROFLMAO

rolling

Brian,

The twinkes aren't for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac.

[Starscream]

From Me to ********@gmail.com
RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:

Hey there!

Your horse looks beautiful! Is he still available?

Michael Murphy
Vice President
Murphy Glue Factory, Inc.

From ********@gmail.com to Me
RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:

HELL NO!!!

[yourchoice]

The translation from French to English in his last one is quite funny. LOL This guy is good!

[St. Lou Stu]

Oh ****.... my side hurts from laughing...

"Also, I let my friend watch the parrot for a week when I was on vacation, and ever since then, the parrot sings "The Final Countdown" by Europe every night at 4 in the morning. It often wakes me up and I am tired of it. I don't even like that song."

[Sauer Grapes]

Just saw this yesterday and wasted most of my evening reading all of them. Freaking hilarious. He seems to focus on the DC, Baltimore, Philly and Wilmington areas.

[yourchoice]

Originally Posted by Sauer Grapes

Just saw this yesterday and wasted most of my evening reading all of them. Freaking hilarious. He seems to focus on the DC, Baltimore, Philly and Wilmington areas.

Based on the familiarity of the area (both his and mine), I think he must be a Philly or Philly 'burb native.

[md4958]

Well normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but first off, you own a cat, and you are a dude. That is a huge red flag right there. Any normal straight guy wouldn't own a cat, and if he did, he wouldn't care about the cat enough to take it to the beach. Second, you want to go to Rehomo Beach. I'm not judging your lifestyle or anything man, I just don't want you gaying up my car. No offense. I don't even want to know what is in your duffel bag.

OMG, I think i just wet myself

[s15driftking]

SOO Genius

Vegan Housemate

My roommate and I are both vegans and will only live with another vegan. IF YOU AREN'T A VEGAN, YOU NEED NOT APPLY. We are looking for someone who will help with the cooking, in addition to the rent.

From Me to Joanna ********:

Well, I am a 24 year old male, and I am currently make a living by being employed. It pays well. Now, as I said earlier, I am a hardcore vegan. I totally respect your lifestyle, but I will occasionally eat a veal burger, maybe two or three times a week. I hope that isn't a big deal. If it is, I can eat it outside, but I will still need to cook it in the kitchen. But besides that, I am easy to get along with. I love watching TV. I hope you guys like CSPAN and late night HBO as much as I do. I also love music, and think I will be a great addition to your apartment.

Mike

From Joanna ******** to Me:

You're not a vegan if you eat veal. Seriously, veal? That is perhaps the single worst thing a vegan can eat. Calves that are raised to become veal are ripped from their mothers at birth so they get anemia. Then they are starved of milk, food, and exercise. They often are put in crates so they cannot move at all; they just stand and suffer until their ultimate death. Veal goes against everything veganism stands for. How you even consider calling yourself a vegan astounds me.

From Me to Joanna ********:

Well thanks for the veal history lesson. My ex used to ***** to me about veal all the time, so I know all about it. Frankly, I think that is why I enjoy veal. Knowing that the calf suffered so much to make himself that much more tender and delicious for me makes it worth every bite. If I didn't eat veal, it would probably expire and be thrown away. Then, the calf would have died in vein. You wouldn't want that, would you. Seriously, veal isn't that bad. They give the calf a nice safe home to live in. Would you rather they just let the calf just be let loose out in the wild? Then, it would probably be killed by a lion or something. By supporting veal, you are supporting the safe life of cows everywhere.

Can someone pass me a veal chop please?

to be clear, the 'ME' above is not ME.