I hope you're all happy...

[Kreth]

Senator Vitter: "Mr. Kreth, you're asking the American taxpayers for $1.2 billion dollars. Is that correct?"

Kreth: "Yes, Senator. I believe that figure should cover my cigar-related debt. You guys really screwed us with that S-CHIP deal."

Senator Shelby: "How does one man indebt himself for that amount of money?"

Kreth: "Well, sir, I lay the blame squarely on the membership of the Cigar Asylum internet forum. You see, I was perfectly happy smoking the occasional cigar, and was planning to pick up a small humidor to keep my smokes nice and fresh. But nooooooo! 'Go bigger!' they said. 'Stay away from cigarbid.com," they said. 'You'd better be really careful so you don't wind up addicted to cigarbid.com.' And the worst part is, they would put a link right in the post, so I all had to do was click it. Sure it started small, a box of cigars here, a humidor upgrade there. Next thing you know, I cashed in my life insurance to buy a rental property and converted it into a walk-in humidor. 50,000 cigars, all at my fingertips. They're enablers, the whole lot of them."
"And now I've got that cigar monkey so bad [sobbing] some days, I'll smoke a Swisher Sweet so I don't have to throw off the RH in my apartmentdor. Do you have any idea what 2500 pounds of beads costs these days?!"

Senator Gillibrand: "Let's take a recess so Mr. Kreth can compose himself."