[CigarSquid]

Hello all... I want to try and reach out. I know I have not meant anyone from here, well maybe 2-3 yeeeears ago but I am struggling with a lot currently.

In looking at a career change, it brought to light some things I am unhappy with at current job. Still have that other job on the hook as well as I have reached out to a lot of contacts to explore my options. Working on my resume tomorrow. My work has switched insurance and I have lost my primary care doctor (30+ miles away for in-network), therapist and and behind on the meds I was prescribed to help battle these rough days. The last 2 weeks have been hell. I am a pot smoker, but I have stopped that as well, for the jobs. I am off the depression meds since I can't get to a doctor currently.

I feel like I am trapped here due to the money. I can make a change, I just don't know how I can survive at less, or if I am even making my budget correctly. I have never took a step backwards like this, but if it will help me mental state, I am willing.

I am still fighting to see my daughter. I currently have 2 hour visits with her on Monday's, but even that is a burden... I can't afford to do the 2 hours every week and when I shorten to the hour, I feel extremely crapping to cut the time with my daughter. The most recent allegations that are keeping her from me is that I molest my own child. I have pictures of her everywhere, they used to bring comfort, now they bring pain.

Sorry if this is a ramble, but to be honest, when I reach out to family, they get really concerned as none of them are closer than 6 hours. They freak out, understandable. If I use the support pages on Facebook, I do not know who is there to use that against me, as my ex had herself or someone spying there once and it was brought up in court.

I am not sure what I am trying to gain because I have also become tired of the whole, better days are coming, we are praying... Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the support but nothing is changing, for the better. I am honestly afraid of what is to come... wither it is a medical related issue from all the stress, pain going on or it I just lose it one day.

I try my hardest to stay positive, to push on so I can see my daughter, but for an hour or two a week (in a room where I can't even make contact first, I have to wait for her), it's ****ing brutal. I know she needs me, and I will not leave this earth, I am not giving up... But if I am not mentally and physically fit, then what good am I to her or anyone for that matter? I have thought plenty of times, to move, start over, still fight, give up... Again, all the thoughts that come, I know there are some that are ONLY thoughts that I will never act on but this **** is driving me nuts. I am emotional wreck with a constant pain in my gut and heart.

Again, sorry for the ramble and I don't know what I am to accomplish with this other than get it off my chest.