[The Poet]

Funny story I was taught about old Zeb Vance in my NC history course. Vance was renowned as a raconteur and wit. He was arrested after the Civil War for the crime of being the governor of a rebel state during the conflict, but was later pardoned . . . even though he was never charged with anything. He was elected to the US Senate, but prohibited from serving, for the same crime he was never charged with. Only once this prohibition was lifted was he allowed to take his seat in Washington.

Now the northern senators of the period had a jolly time making things difficult for their southern colleagues. One of the pranks they pulled involved the portrait of another former fellow senator, Jefferson Davis. They removed it from its normal place and had it rehung in the Senate washroom. After that, they took delight in standing outside the doorway when southern representatives used those facilities, to laugh at their discomfiture and anger at this insult. Knowing of Vance's reputation for a ready wit, they were particularly anxious to witness his reactions the first time he availed himself of the toilet.

When Vance exited, they were puzzled and surprised that he seemed to have no reaction whatsoever, and so they questioned the freshman senator:

"Senator Vance, what did you think of our facilities?"

"Outstanding, gentlemen. I found them extremely modern and clean."

"Well, did you not notice anything odd or out-of-sorts with them?"

"Um, no sirs, no I cannot say I did."

"Uh, well, did you not see that portrait of Jefferson Davis hanging in there?"

"Oh yes, indeed I did! An excellent likeness I do confess. The artist should be complimented."

"And did you not think it strange to find it hung in the water closet?"

At that, with a straight face, Vance answered "Why, not at all. Nothing strange about it. I always heard that Jeff Davis scared the $#!+ out of you Yankees."