Mother ****er
here I was selfishly thinking no one else was like this. No one else experienced thoughts just rushing by at the speed of light and futile trying to grasp every one of them and follow each to its end. There is no end, just the answer to one question leading to more questions. Having to know all those answers before being able to give a response to the original question. Thereby being debilitated by my own thoughts. Not able to make the simple choices like which cigar to smoke, which shirt to wear, what beer to drink and God help you if you don't know what we are doing for dinner because I will damn near go to throwing punches before having to answer one more question. Not knowing how to explain that all that is going on. Feeling like a complete failure because I have this problem and I can't sort it out, which, of course, compounds the whole situation. Looking for something, anything to keep my mind busy so I don't have to stay in my head, but everything loses its interest pretty quick when you think about nothing but that one thing. Video games helped, but if they were short or repetitive it defeated the purpose and just lead to more frustration. I keep having recurring suicidal thoughts. Each one of them a different method, and each more vivid than the previous. It's changed my marriage. I love my wife, but I don't want to hear that she has some kind of problem because I've created so many of my own problems that are only in my head and I want to help her but I can't because there is already too much going on. I can't explain that to her because that shows up as being weak, in my head again, and I can't do that either. We want kids and this is something I don't want them to have to deal with and that throws another wrench into this.
Reading through the posts above has given me some insight, but also as said above
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There are plenty here to help, and feel free to PM me if you like, but from my experiences, that will only cause you to think about the things I say and how they apply to your life and what you're feeling and will further compound things. Its a f'in ***** aint it?
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I know he's right. It's kind of already started.
How do you stop the questions? How do you keep yourself distracted? How do you make it ok to not have all the answers to the questions no one will ever ask? How do you keep from taking it out on others?
Stopping now before this obsession takes the rest of my day, but I thank you all for sharing your experiences.