Quote:
Originally Posted by floydpink
That's one of the smartest things I have seen written in a very long time.
I might put that on my desktop if it's ok with you.
|
It ain't mine, brother. You're as welcome to it as I was.
I let all the anxiety and depression take me to sticking a gun in my mouth. It took cold steel to go "wtf, man?" I knew I could be happy, cause I was before. I knew I could be at peace, because I was before.
The anxiety was the easiest thing to fix.
I found that I had made habit of "knowing" what was going to happen. I knew what people were thinking. I would go over every single thing that was going to happen and compute 1000 outcomes so I could be prepared for any situation, because if I didn't, something absolutely horrible would certainly happen that was out of my control.
My kid could fall down the steps, I could crash the car, I could lose my job, whatever. I had to be eternally vigilant so that I could do the perfect thing at the perfect time so that everything worked out exactly as I had preordained.
It worked out for sh1t, but I bought into that line of thinking 100%, mostly because it had worked well for so long. The wheels really started coming off when it stopped working.
I learned that I don't have a crystal ball.
I learned that I don't know what people are thinking.
I learned that what people think of me is none of my business.
The hardest one to swallow was that I wasn't in control of anything, ever.
There were lots of other things I had to learn, as well, but that's kinda the jist of it.
I was taught that if I worked hard, did my best, and never gave up, I could achieve anything.
I did just that and became very successful. Everything came my way, and it all came easily.
When things started going south, I found it was the greatest lie I had ever bought into. Every fortune I ever had was given me by God's Grace. That one took lots of years for me to even begin to understand.
That aside, I was told to employ a "bullsh1t detector". Every time I started thinking I knew what was going to happen next, or started to think into the future, horns and lights went off in my head and I immediately stopped myself. I didn't have a reason why to do it, or know what would happen. I was just told to do it and did it religiously.
It was very difficult in the beginning. I'd try like hell to stop thinking and just couldn't do it. So I started banging my head on the wall. Literally.
I had a favorite spot between the kitchen and the dining room with a nice wide board in the doorway where I wouldn't catch a corner and cut my forehead. (That got old and made me feel stupid.)
I found that enough pain would stop my brain.
Eventually I got smart enough that it wasn't worth the pain. I'd just stop thinking, albeit grudgingly, and start up again at the very first opportunity.
Habits are very hard to break, and patterns of thinking are just that, habit.
Ultimately, the lasting "cure" for the anxiety came through Faith. Understanding that God has always loved me and always will love and provide for me is what I believe with all my heart and soul. Now I don't have to think about what's coming next, don't project into the future, and don't suffer the physical effects of my old way of thinking. If I end up living under a bridge in a box, I am 100% okay with that. I can still be happy in a box, in the mud, eating out of garbage cans. It'll be a far easier way to live than I live right now, and it'll require a lot less responsibility, and I hate responsibility.
Depression takes a lot more work, and requires a lot more humility, work and time, but I found that there was a lot of relief from giving up on the "what if's". What if I had done it this way, what if I had said this instead, what if I hadn't done this, the list goes on ad finitum.
I used the bullsh1t detector and the foyer wall for that, too.
Ultimately I had to go back and right all the wrongs, make amends, ask forgiveness from all the people I'd hurt along the way, and then I was able to ask God's forgiveness. That cleaned the slate, and the depression has been gone since.
The whole "fix" takes a lot of time. There's a lot of avenues, and lots of different levels of relief. Some people are happy with just feeling well enough that they don't want to kill themselves every day.
I've heard mention that people have found ways to get it done without God, and that they're perfectly content. I can't comment on that cause I didn't go that way. What I do know is that I tried all the drugs, all the alcohol, all the counselors, all the psychiatrists, all the doctors, and everything anyone suggested for about five years and none gave me any lasting relief. That five years of effort ended up with me sucking on a .35 Remington in my dining room.
I can go on forever, but all I really wanted to say is that there's a way out. Once you know that, there's Hope. As long as there's Hope, there's a reason to keep trying.
You'll be fine. Just work on it, and know it takes time to change old habits. Know this, too...
I found I couldn't fix a sick mind with a sick mind. That's why I had to take direction from others and do what I was told. If I was still trying to fix my head by myself, I'd be right where I started.
