[jjirons69]

Good one, Scott. When I read that, I thought, that makes a hell of a lot of sense.

My mom was always kind of cooky (nervous and sensitive) when I was growing up, but my dad was solid. I was solid until 1996. I had already battled my way through college in the early 90s, which I saw as very stressful, and thought life was finally on easy street. Right after I had gotten engaged, I started with the anxious feelings. Never had experienced it. Seems I was thinking too much about my future and a feeling of no longer being on control of my destiny (like anyone ever is). One bad thought led to two, etc. Within a month, I was full blown anxious. Stress and anxiety are two very different things. This wasn't stress I had. It felt like I had a strap tightening around my chest. It made it hard to breath. My body hurt. My joints hurt. I couldn't eat. My throat felt like it was nearly closed shut and swallowing food was nearly impossible. Lost 15 lbs in a couple of months. I couldn't sleep, to the point I dreaded nightfall. Dreaded is an understatement. I prayed. I cussed. After 3-4 months, I was spinning out of control and could barely stand it anymore. I really didn't feel like living the rest of my life feeling like that. I remember telling my dad I think I've had enough. Also seemed no one really understood. I only talked to a few people about it. Kind of embarrassed as I felt weak-willed or something. I started seeing a Dr. Took Zoloft for a year or so. Took thousands of 1 mg Ativans to try to combat the anxiety. Smoked lots of natural remedy, but that often made it worse. Probably had depression too from trying to deal with the anxiety. I was f*cked up. Really. My brain needed to be restarted, it was in a very bad rut. From a 10 to a 1 in a matter of months. I didn't know what had happed to me. I had always had the most positive attitude and outlook on life. I really thought I was doomed. And I couldn't figure out a way to fix it and that really frustrated me. It seemed every time I felt better, I'd start thinking about it and go haywire again. It was affecting my entire life, from family, to frinds, to work. I thank my wife for sticking with me. I thank my dad for helping me cope. He gave me words of wisdom that only a dad can give. I emmersed myself in a close friend's church and I got some comfort knowing others were praying for me. I knew no matter what, God, family, medicine, etc., it was up to me to change my way of thinking. I took long walks or went jogging. I went to the mall to be around people, as I would go crazy being by myself and feeling this way. I emmersed myself in hobbies. I put together dozens of 1000 piece puzzles. I bought a telescope and started studying star charts. I started doing woodworking. I kept my mind as busy as I could to keep it from thinking negative thoughts. I started to see that I had so much to be thankful for. I saw where I was so much more fortunate than others around me and I tried to live that way. I adopted the "live for today" mentality. I tried to think positive at all times. By 1998 I was off all the meds and I was somewhat happy again. If I started feeling 'weird' again, I'd find something to take my mind off of it. I'd say it was some time in the early 00s before I thought of myself as healed and I know longer feared a relapse. I guess every cloud has a silver lining - I have been able to help two employees of mine over the years deal with the same thing. I explained my symptoms and I listened to their's. Giving someone a trusting person to talk to, that has experienced what they're dealing with, is an incredible gift. Hopefully my experience will continue to help others. At least they know there can be an end and life can get back to how they remember it.

Good luck, brother! If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm a PM away. Phone call if that doesn't help.

Live for today, but plan for tomorrow!