My new out of office responses...
 

BEST OUT OF OFFICE MESSAGES

~ I am currently at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get
the position.

~ You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

~ I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from vacation on April 4th. Please be patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.

~ Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the
first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

~ The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable
to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again

~ Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

~ I've run away to join a different circus.