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Did I do wrong? Long read very adult/serious issue
(Begin lengthy story)
There's a young lady I talk to online, from Nova Scotia. Not giving the town in case one of the Canucks sees this; with my luck, it'd be hell to pay. We met on Facebook; her friend had some songs on Youtube I liked, so I added him there. We've since drifted apart, but "Katie" and I started talking about five months ago. The girl was in love with me, and believe me, I'm quite sure she meant it - she was all set to come see me in school last October, but things got bad between us before that date. It's not that I don't love or care about her, but a few months ago, I started talking to a cousin of one of my local friends; she lives in Florida, but her dad lives in the town my college is in, and "Mary" was going to come see me this December on break - again, things turn bad beforehand. Women get jealous of each other, I'm aware of that, and I recognize that I should've laid out ground rules with Katie long beforehand; Mary came along, and I thought that maybe dating someone in-country, who was 'closer' would be easier. Never mind the fact that Kissimmee may be farther than the Canadian border - Nova Scotia's a freakin' island, isn't it? Of course Katie is hurt, she's upset, she's not speaking to me. Somehow, Mary managed to smooth that over, and we were at least close friends. I bought Mary a birthday present - paid twenty bucks for some art pencils, she does good work, and she was ecstatic. She told me her father forgot her birthday; we talked nightly, and 'slept together,' literally, over the phone :r I thought she like-liked me lol. And then, I think her ex talked her into the thought that I was 'playing the field' with both of these girls; the @ss even had the audacity to send me a message on Facebook stating how sickened and "offended" he was that I was using these women. To close the letter, he told me to lose the tweed cap and Boswell briar pipe because I looked like a dumb@ss, and he signed the note with his name, and continues with a postscript telling me how to pronounce it, making it sound regal. Chamness is "Cham-wah" or something...yes, I thought Sham Wow :D So Mary and Katie are both pissed at me. I wasn't intentionally doing any harm, it just happened. Mary's deleted me from her contacts since...convenient, and Katie and I still talk, and Katie talks to Mary, but Katie told me she can't wait forever for me, and she's got a new boyfriend...trust me, Katie and I were close and had been until the other girl. Stupid Kegan. ***possibly offending details*** Katie's always had a hard life. Her mom walked off after the birth, her dad's a lush, and she was molested/raped by her godfather for a few years when she was at least seven, if I recall...she can't listen to Johnny Cash because he always played him and she's terrified of him. I quit chewing partially because he chewed, and I know it bothered her. She'd been into hard drugs, told me she quit about twelve or thirteen. I'm talking meth, heroin, etc.; "Canadian tobacco" is salad green compared to that business :). She'd been in an abusive relationship, and if any of you know about my psychotic outburst (check my recent posts) due to my pills; she said she'd never been more nervous in her life - it was like a flashback. I kept assuring her that I wasn't him, and I'd hurt myself before I laid a finger on her; naturally, she doesn't believe me. Scared and paranoid. Hell, it scared me, I'm getting help. I've never lost it, and all I did was get mad and slam the laptop shut, throw a massage pad as best I could across the room, and knock a microphone over because I couldn't wrap the cord and slide it back in the plastic. Anyway, out of this abusive relationship comes this friend, "Tom" from school, and I guess he essentially restored her; found her lying at the bottom of some basement steps after the boyfriend beat her pretty badly. I don't recall if the boyfriend used a bat, or Tom did to basically keep the bastage at bay and away from Katie. They were close (this was before I knew her) dated, etc. but a few months ago, he told her out of the blue that he didn't ever want to see her again, something along those lines laced with profanities. Katie was devastated, of course. And I was there for her then. ***Graphic details end*** Let me add that Mary at this time, for all purposes is a peripheral character; we were 'friendly' but it was getting colder. Katie and he just recently made up somewhat a few weeks; he initiated it. I think it's because he broke up with his girlfriend, you know how that goes - some guys can't be alone. Katie says it's awkward talking to him. Yeah, no chit girl. And after I finally had her convinced he was worthless. I trust her, she's a sincere girl, and I recently sent her a large sum of money to pay some debts she owed rent-wise. She's supposed to send me a box of items; I asked for them so it wouldn't seem like I was pitying her...I wasn't, but I'm just too caring and I worry about her. I'll get the stuff when she gets the money (she's a cashier) and I believe that. Before the money incident, one day getting a ride home from work, she was raped. Yeah. Got pregnant. She was going to keep the baby, didn't want to be like her mother and abandon it, but she miscarried. Hand to God and on my knees, maybe that was for the best, given her situation. She lives with her brother and grandparents. Near a highway. She bought a beautiful husky-ish puppy. And she caught the swine flu...they thought it was Bell's Palsy, if I recall. Anyway, and this kills me, she let the dog out to do her thing and...the house is next to the highway. Poor thing died on the way to the vet. She couldn't run after her. [Pauses to cry, looks over at the dogs on his bed] She lost the baby, she lost her dog, she lost her friend, and she lost her innocence - numerous times when younger, and then that work incident. She wouldn't press charges because she told me chit was different in Canada, and they wouldn't give her a damn, or a second glance if she called in a rape, because of her past - I don't know if she was arrested as an adult (she's twenty). I finally talked her into it, but I don't remember what happened. She was also to testify against her godfather for the sexual abuse, but the @#%! had a damn good lawyer, and hers advised her it was pointless. Lastly, in a way, she feels like she lost me, too, thanks to Mary. Mary's ignoring me, but the damage is done. Katie and I are friends, but she's got a boyfriend. (End background info) And, like I knew would happen, I'm jealous as can be. Today's even his birthday, hahaha. Anyway, I showed her a solar globe on this site. Click on the inscription, and read it. That's her actual name, and it fit the both of us, eerily She got looking around and said she felt bad she didn't have the funds to buy her grandmother anything nice, after all the years of raising her and her brother. She showed me a photo frame, and commented how she'd personalize it for her. Folks, I have money. I have a big heart, and she means the world to me (really wanted to buy that damn globe, in black). So, I told a small fib, well, partial truths, said it was for a family member who liked photography, as a birthday gift. (lie, truth, lie...wait, don't two wrongs make a right? lol). I asked her how she would place the inscription, on the top of the frame, or the bottom. She should have caught on, and I feel a little bad, but I ordered it for her, and plan to send it as a possibly-early birthday gift. Now, she has a boyfriend, and after my outburst, she said she's afraid to trust me...she just doesn't seem to understand that pills sometimes overreact...my muscle relaxant worked for a bit, but now I have a neck and head ache. I don't feel bad sending her a gift because I don't think (going by high school rules, here) they'll last that long... [however, she stayed with the abuser for like, three years out of fear, and when he calls her to go to a party, she does it. Months ago, he IMed her, claiming he'd changed, begging her to go out with him. I begged her not to, told her she was a tad stupid to think he'd matured, but he 'melted her heart' online; she came back and said he'd hurt her; I got no details and Sarah refuses to go to the police...poor girl's sick of the courts. Ironically, before she went back to high school to make up some credit hours, she was going to college/uni to be a lawyer...go figure.] Anyway, she's with this guy, but I'm sending this frame regardless. To ask a simple question after all of that...stuff, am I doing wrong? I plan to send her a letter explaining myself, but I just want to see that she's taken care of unlike the others have done, even if it is by buying her gifts and such...the 'I love you' scales have switched, and I don't want to think about her not being around or see her get hurt any longer; there's a video of me on Facebook, I stopped writing to record, where I bawl and apologize for not being able to be there for her physically through the years. Never mind the fact that I 'don't really know' her, because it feels like I do after all of this. Please keep in mind that she's been hurt in almost every way possible, and she still seems as strong as steel; she has nightmares, I'm told by her about the early days, but she's a very sweet girl and generally chipper. I'm doing this out of love and consideration, but what do you all think, religious and non-religious alike? Do you believe that the Higher Being/karma would help me for helping her? Again, that is not my reason for this, nor am I trying to 'win her back'. I just want to know that I made her happy, even if it is for the last time in life, if she's too upset with me. I also plan on sending her http://www.amazon.com/George-Jones-Golden-Tammy-Wynette/dp/B00005YUOC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1261899001&sr=8-1>]this DVD because she loves him as much as I do, and http://www.amazon.com/Stoner-Spaz-Ron-Koertge/dp/B002XUM1TI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261899101&sr=8-1>]this book because it's so close to me, it's almost scary...on a related note, the author is a cinephile (loves movies/movie buff basically) and I read on the back that he lives in the house where John Carpenter's 1978 Halloween was filmed. Sorry for the long and a little disturbing post...I just write and this stuff comes out...which is a shame, in a way, but on different planes...magical. Mods, I assume this is an open forum, and my content counts as free speech? I'm disgusted having to write all of that to ask a question, but I felt people needed as exact a picture as I could give. Any confusion to the info, ask. A very drained - Kegan |
Re: Did I do wrong? Long read very adult/serious i
Yes, you look like a dumb@ss in a tweed cap.
:D In all seriousness, giving should be done freely with no expectation of any kind of return, even a karmic one. Then you are not giving, you are buying. Be happy to do something that may brighten her day a bit. We give gifts because it makes us feel good to do so, that is all the return we should expect. I do believe in the good will and blessings of God, but that comes from attempting to do his will, not giving in expectation of return. |
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I'll have you know sir that this cap...covers my thinning hair :D and thanks...I think. The insult may or may not negate the good advice. Only karma will tell :r
Re-reading that, it does sound like I'm asking for karma points, but those are given so freely on this board, I don't need any more at the moment...if I lose any, it's because I ate some bad Pufferfish :ss Careful sir, play your hand very carefully in life ;) I suppose my main question should be "Did I do wrong in giving so much?" I mean, I know her, but I've never met her, yet I send her $300 Canadian in good faith, and I sure hope faith pays off in regards to the goods. Her Christmas card, and a Robert Frost I bought her were also much cheaper gestures, and now a $60 photo frame. Do you suppose there's a limit? Obviously lol. |
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I think you forgot to put "Dear Livejournal" at the start of your post. ;)
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I should slap you ;) but that would make me emo, and only prove your point ;)
I've never used LiveJournal...or even my Blogger account lol. I said, I just thought showing past scenarios might help in solving my current query. I'll take "Neurotic poster" for $1000, Alex. The one in the tweed seat cover. |
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man what a thing to read at 9am on a sunday morning
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If it was me I think I would cut my losses and try to find a girl that lives in the same state as I do. But thats just me and what the heck do I know.
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I have a lot of Marshall Tucker in me.
Add to that, last I checked, they were stamping out women every day. If I get a whiff of drama, I just go "next". My newest girlfriend has lasted 4 months, which in shilala terms is pretty much a lifetime. If it gets past two weeks, it usually lasts about three years. I guess my point is this... Don't get your panties all wadded up so much. :tu |
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Panties? She didn't mention panties...
OH! :tu now...somebody please PM, and post here that you did, how to properly make a word a click-able link; half the time it works, the other half, I get the web address and the word together...talk about throwing a computer out a second-story window xD Windows out the window. |
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Maybe find someone closer that you can be with physically instead of on the computer? Maybe it will allow your true self to shine through quicker. I dated a girl from Antarctica and it just didn't pan out with me living in Jersey and all :-)
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If I may; it seems that you need to forget about women for a while, completely. Judging from this, and your previous thread, you need to direct your energies toward yourself before you can have enough to spare for anyone else. This girl in Nova Scotia has more problems than you can, or should deal with, given your own issues. You can't help her. Only she can straighten out her life, and only you can straighten out yours. I would recommend that you get your meds corrected, concentrate on school, and endeavor to create an orderly, disciplined life for yourself. I've been through a lot in life, myself; I was orphaned at 8, I was homeless after I got out of the Navy, and I'd lost everything I had, twice. Except loosing my parents, everything that happened to me was a direct result of decisions I made. Each time, I strapped some b@lls on, and I persevered. Through all that I found that people are the architects of their own misery, and as Abe Lincoln once said: a person is only as happy as they make up their minds to be. I hope this isn’t too harsh, but you’re an adult, and you should start conducting your life like an adult. Be well, and good luck! :gl
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Re: Did I do wrong? Long read very adult/serious i
Run..Forrest..run.
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Shop locally. Stay away from drama queens and women with a truck full of baggage and problems. Women like that only make your life worse and worse, their life never gets uncomplicated. Sounds harsh, but the best advice I could give, Keegan.
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My :2, I would be leary of sending anyone online money and gifts who I have never met before. Who's to say it's not all a hoax. Not trying to rain on a parade but you never know these days.
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You sound like what my daughter is dealing with. I told her that people that try to date from keyboards have something to hide. There is something about being able to look at someones face as you talk to them that makes things make sense. I agree go local and if the turn you down it was there choice, that doesnt mean there is something wrong with you. It means they dont like that flavor of jelly bean.
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Re: Did I do wrong? Long read very adult/serious i
Dude, common, On line relation ships that far away will never work out. Find a nice girl close to home. It will make your life much easier.:2
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2. Kids and keyboards is how it's done today. You meet online, MySpace, Facebook, or a nice cigar forum, and then you arrange a face to face. I trust her because nobody could make up a story like that, and I heard a snippet of a phone call she caught on, where her grandfather was discussing the molestation, so I believe all of it. Face to face is scary. 80 percent of people would rather die than do public speaking...and 80 - 85 percent of individuals left with the task of cleaning up a suicide scene go on to commit it themselves. As for the money, I'm buying books I know she has, I've seen, and an iPod or two I planned to fix. We'll see, it's a gamble. And for the record, most girls seem to have baggage any more. Hard pressed to find a virgin in this area, not that it matters, and I know a handful of girls who've done the cutting BS...crazy chit, my friends. I'll tread lightly though...I'm a good Samaritan at least...Jerusalem to Jericho, Heaven to hell and back again...story of my life. You're all good guys. Thanks. |
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No need to repeat what has been said but life is too short to smoke bad cigars. You know what I mean. |
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My girlfriend lives 2 hours away and it's a pain in the ass. Worth it, but still a pain in the ass. :tu |
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All I got to say what is with women name Katie:(
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I do have to take exception to the comment I quoted you on though, and ask where that statistic came from. |
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Did I miss the part where you have actually met these ladies in person or was EVERYTHING online?
FWIW, 1 in 5 divorces mention Facebook in the papers.... just saying. |
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Kegan, :2 from a FOG...
I've been married twice in 38 years. The first to a very nice girl I met in Las Vegas, while I was in the Air Force. Unfortunately, she wasn't mature enough to be away from her extended family in Vegas, which led to our divorce after 5 years. I was fortunate to meet my current wife of 33 years, during a company softball game and picnic. We have raised 3 boys of our own, along with my oldest son from my first marriage. There was no "online" stuff then, and everyone I knew met their girlfriends or spouses in person. There's something to be said about meeting someone in person, instead of through a computer. FWIW, I only know one couple, who met through the old "Usenet" groups, and they have been married for 8 years. But they seem to be the exception. I'd look for people to meet closer to home. especially if you want to create a relationship. This advice is worth exactly what you paid for it! :D Good luck in your life, my friend! :dance: |
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95% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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Here's my personal opinion.
Regardless of whether the relationship starts face-to-face or on-line, I think the vast majority of long distance relationships eventually fade away. While there are always exceptions, over the long run they are pretty rare. Sooner or later people want more than what a virtual relationship has to offer, and find it with someone closer to home. A true relationship involves more than phone calls and banging away on a keyboard. And no matter what you may believe, an on-line relationship doesn't provide the emotional support and bonding you achieve in a physical relationship. It just doesn't. If all you're looking for is friendship, that's one thing. Looking for a girlfriend on-line is quite another. Whether you choose to accept it or ignore it, Pete's advice is likely the best you'll receive. Quote:
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Re: Did I do wrong? Long read very adult/serious i
support your local b&ms and single mothers ;)
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Kegan,
Distance sometimes makes the heart grow fonder, but it never works in a relationship. Move on. PS. I'm so much cooler online. |
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I think you have your answer. While it is commendable that you want to help these people, you are being drawn into a swirling vortex of bad. You have one life to live; it's not worth being dragged down into the mud by people you really don't even know!
God Bless you in 2010, I know all the brothers and sisters here join in sending you nothing but good wishes for the New Year! |
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Keegan,
I appreciate your laudable goals. You want advice? Get out and meet someone. Yeah, it is risky. Yes, rejection hurts. it is so much easier to hide behind a keyboard. Yes, there are those who have made it work. Please don't take this the wrong way, but, I gotta ask. In regard to dating, what are you hiding while behind your keyboard? What is she hiding behind her keyboard? As for you statistics about suicide and those who clean up the mess, that's malarky. Get off the keyboard and get out and meet some people. God's blessings to you. Peace of the Lord be with you. |
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I wish I could get back all the time and money I wasted, and forget the emotional roller coasters I got bounced around on (sometimes for years), before I figured out this bit of erstwhile common sense. |
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The last few post have hit it right on the HEAD.
My ex lives 3 hours away from me. I work ALOT of hours and get paid in pizza sauce and personal pan pizzas. I realized it takes two people not one. The FOGs here are wise and well trusted....:2 |
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I'll have to second Rock's agreement; I understand what you're both trying to tell me, and I can use it, but at the moment, I can't change any possible paradigm without the doctor using the scalpel and easing that pain first.
A man wouldn't ride a canyon on a dying horse, looking for greener pastures (well, today he might, with animal rights) he would put the fellow down and get a new horse. And hopefully that's what this little dissection will do is to re-route some trails so travel's a little smoother when he sobers up and finds the keys to his Arabian ;) My problem is not that I'm too trusting - I didn't like a group of people one time, but I acted like they did and blended in - my problem is that my heart's too big and too soft for my own good. When I become a hard-hearted bastage with a heart the size of a pebble like the wise FOGs here ;) then I'll be better suited to do what I set out to do. |
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(Luke 6:47 - 49; Matthew 7:twenty-four - 27) I suppose I could break it down if religion were my course of action; "Let thy heart be not solely chiseled of stone, nor constructed as a child's castle of sand." Both of these items, rock and sand, can be seen as artistic elements that can help convey the God-given beauty of life through their proper usage, be it a sand castle or a marble/stone statue. In secular terms, put grains sand on one end of a brass balance scale, and rocks on the other. When you have a perfect balance, you should feel better and all will be well. Callouses are a good thing, shows determination and being thick-skinned and all, but people do need to be open as well, I understand this. And again, no, I meant no harm in my words; I use the word callous as 'hard,' not in a negative sense of the term. -shrugs- I don't know, just thought it worked :tu and again, no harm intended in my words ;s. |
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Walk away, bro. Too many "red flags" with this girl.
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Oh no no no, maybe I misspoke somewhere. We won't be dating. I'm going to message her when we're both in higher spirits, and see that my things are mailed out. I emailed the company I bought the picture frame from, but if they can't cancel the order, I'll just keep it, gift it or something.
Lessons learned are often the hardest, but that's life. You take a shot in the dark and hope and pray that bullet goes where it's intended. |
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Kegan,
I am not talking about what you do in regard to the items you want to mail out. I was speaking of your dating future and intimacy. That is all. Two thinkgs that went into my previous post. 1) My work as a police chaplain and the number of suicides I have had to "pick-up-the-pieces" on. 2) My work with couples and individuals in regard to dating/marriage, the intimacy, factor that is or isn't there, and amzingly, with the police, internet fraud and perversion in dating. I don't know that your heart is any bigger, or us FOGs have smaller ones (or colder ones). It might simply be an issue of naivete. |
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Keegan- you asked for advice. You got it- pretty much we are of one voice that you need to let these people go. Your attempting to change our minds is not going to work. If you are trying to convince yourself to keep interacting with these people maybe that, too, should be a red flag.
Our advice is free and worth as much. Understand it comes from folks who have lived life for a little longer than you. The old saying is: "If I only knew at 25 what I know at 60." So, again, remove these people from your life- you'll be better off. If you don't want to do this, no amount of cajoling will convince us otherwise. Do what you want, but our advice stands. Good luck to you. |
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To RevSmoke:
Sir, I know you weren't speaking of the picture frame, that was simply something I was going to do out of kindness, as I said. On second thought, as much as I care for my friends, all of them, money doesn't need to be involved. I fully realize the intelligence and understanding of the ones before me, and your advice is sound and true. Obviously, I had no idea of your working background, or your knowledge in the field. Perhaps time has clouded my memory as to the percentage - I just looked on Wikipedia, and was informed suicide leaves at least six survivors...can't find the numbers I quoted though. I explained above, that my usage of the term 'callous' was not meant in a negative sense. When I think of the term, I think hard, so yes, someone who is callous could be seen as "hard-hearted;" and while that is usually seen as a bad trait, when a person has been hurt or 'burned' in life, and they learn a lesson, sometimes having a 'hard-heart' is a good thing, similar to being "thick-skinned." Does that approach sound a bit more rational? As I said, I mean no harm in anything I say or have said. I didn't mean any of you were cold, cruel people - far from it, I know. I meant that life experience has toughened you all up, given you callouses borne of hard work and determination to get to where you are today, or what you might have accomplished in earlier times. In regards to me having a big heart, I didn't mean to infer that mine was any larger, or that I was any kinder than the next person on the board. The soft-heart remark should be taken similarly; where a matured person may take a step back from an issue, those people with softer hearts may indeed be naive, and only see the 'good' in everything and everyone, even if it doesn't exist. Sheer blindness and too trusting, sometimes. Gets people hurt, used, and killed. Personally, I consider myself a nice guy who's had some bad times, and good times, and am trying to let those keep me level and down-to-earth. I'm a realist I'd like to think, sometimes an optimist, and sometimes a pessimist, but I always try to make informed decisions and do things the right/practical/logical way, stay on neutral ground until it's safe to move. As for hotreds, I agreed wholeheartedly that dating was a bad idea; the one girl is gone, and the other is just a friend. I'm sorry I didn't make my understanding and agreement evident a few posts ago. I hope this revision clears things up, and that all wounds are healed. I'm sorry for any slight I may have shown any of you. |
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I do understand that, and deep down, I suppose I have for awhile; I always try to see good in people, but at the same time, I can often spot the bad apples (8/10 times we'll say). I was just trying to make things work, you know "if at first you don't succeed...yadda yadda." and at least I can walk away knowing I tried my damnedest to help. Katie's all right. Given her past, she's done very well, and I'm not worried about our friendship. Mary left of her own free will, so que sera sera. I've got her address, if anyone wants to send her some Ghurkas :) |
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Kegan,
Life and experience and hardship and pain has done just the absolute opposite to me, and many, if not all, of these brothers who stand before you offering their advice and friendship. All the pain has taught me that the only thing that matters is God, Love, happiness, family, and gratitude. Learning lessons from bad things are gifts. It keeps my fingers out of the fire. Learning what matters from those things makes me appreciate every single breath I draw, and I consider each one precious. That's not "hard-hearted" or "callous" by any definition. The "thick skin" comes from the "how much does it matter?" I can't be angry and happy at the same time. Doesn't work that way. I'm not willing to give up one second of happy to be angry, because it's senseless. Despite that, my stupidity sometimes gets ahold of me and I get pissed off. It doesn't last long. The older I get, the shorter the pissed off gets. Despite the fact that all these gentlemen know how precious every moment is, they're spending it for you. That's Love. There's lots here. I've found that it's a lot easier nowadays to ask before I act. When I ask, I don't ask someone who hasn't been "down that road". You don't go to a banker for a haircut, ya know? I ask old boys who have done really dumb sh1t (if I haven't already beat them to it), and then do the opposite, just like they've instructed me. Works like a charm. :tu It also allows me to quit thinking, because when I do, it always turns out the same. Just the opposite of the way I want it to. :) Hope this helps!!! Scott PS You might want to listen to Tom and Todd and Hugh, among others. I sure would. :tu |
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