Everyday colloquialisms

[jjirons69]

My dad is king of colloquialisms. Everything was hot as something, cold as something, wet as something, etc., you get the drift. I grew up around that and I use a lot of them on a daily basis myself, so I thought it's be fun to see the ones you guys say or like. That's right, guys, as colloquialisms seem to be a guy thing. Some of my personal favorites, most of which I use from time to time and some I often hear. Posting here might give me some new ones. ;)

Hard as Chinese algebra.
High as a Georgia pine.
F***ed up as Hogan's goat.
Hot as the hinges of hell.
Hot as Hades.
Cold as a landlord's heart.
Cold as a witches tit in a brass bra.
Cold as a gravediggers a$$.
Warm as in your mother's arms.
Lost as last year's Easter egg.
F***ed up as a can of worms.
Tight as a hat band.
Quick as grease through a goose.
Slick as owl $hit.
Sweating like a whore in church.
Bleeding like a stuck pig.
Horny as a two d*ck goat.
Dumb as a bag of hammers.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
He's a couple cards short of a full deck.
His elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
Off like a prom dress.
Heading out like a newborn.
Busy as a one-armed paper hanger.
Lord willing and the creek don't rise.


I'll post more as I hear them or they come to mind.

[kelmac07]

F***ed up like a football bat.
Finer than frogs hair, split ways.
He's a couple cans short of a six-pack.
Hotter than a fresh f***ed fox in a forest fire.
Busier than a one legged man in an a$$ kicking contest.

[ColdCuts]

Great list, Jamie!

F***ed up as Hogan's goat?! :r I'd love to hear the origin of that one.

Here's a couple:

Dumb as a bowl of hair.
Slower than molasses in the wintertime.

[T.G]

What a Nickerson.
Crazier than a shithouse rat.

[elderboy02]

Harder to find than teeth on a hen.

[G G]

Drunk as Cooter Brown.

[czerbe]

Going down like a prom date
Serious as a heart attack

[AdamJoshua]

Lights are on but nobody's home.
A couple cards short of a full deck.
Not the brightest bulb in the box.
Has a face for radio.

Hockey Specific:

I'd trade ________ for a bag of pucks.

[sevans105]

Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick

Better than a peck on the head with a sharp rock

(Grandpa was a bit of a pessimist.)

[Mr B]

Couple Fries short of a Happy Meal.

She looks like 40 miles of Bad Road.

[MajorCaptSilly]

Sillier than MCS
The lights are on but the furnace filter needs replaced
Dumber than a box of boxes
More uncomfortable than Jerry Springer in a room with normal people
As supercilious as John Mayer


MCS

[ColdCuts]

This'll kill a couple hours if you let it.

http://www.idiomconnection.com/

[Garbandz]

older than dirt
dumber than dirt
scarcer than hens teeth
slicker than s**t on a pump handle
tighter than Dick's hatband
useless as tits on a bull
useless as buttons on a beer barrel
hot as a $2 pistol

[jjirons69]

Crazy as a $hithouse rat (can't believe I forgot that one)
Also used tight as Dick's hatband (just don't know where that one comes from, either)
Wound tight as an 8 day watch (my dad used to say that)
Hard as times in the 40s (he's said that a lot, too)
Rode hard and put up wet

[MrClean]

Slicker than snot
Like a monkey f'ing a football

[Blak Smyth]

Like she was hit in the face with a hot sack of nickels

[ColdCuts]

Crazy as a rat in a round room.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

[mosesbotbol]

Tougher than a 50 cent steak
All hat no cattle
A little sweet in the seat

[Garbandz]

A face like a bag of door knobs
he looks like he got beat with an ugly stick
got an ass like a government mule
gonna beat you like a rented mule

[kelmac07]

Happy as a whore with a bag full of dildos.

[icehog3]

My butt itches.

[Islayphile]

Tighter than a virgin on prom night

[czerbe]

Sweating like a whore in Church

[BHalbrooks]

"Gone like a Homecoming Queens virginity on Prom night"

My Dad also loves to say, "I wouldn't **** you, you're my favorite turd."

This thread brings a lot of memories up :tu

[14holestogie]

I don't know whether to sh1t or wind my watch.

[pnoon]

About as funny as a fart at a funeral.

He dropped a proverbial turd in the punch bowl.

You're rude and unattractive.

[AdamJoshua]

LOL @ #3


Bout as funny as a heart attack.
Doesn't know his ass from his elbow.
Doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

[pnoon]

Put the shovel down, Chief.

[Coach Deg]

This isn't Rocket surgery.

[BHalbrooks]

You're rude and unattractive.
Favorite :tu

[forgop]

Had a shop teacher that used several, but one that remains:

Roller skating with a heard of water buffalo

[markem]

you don't know ch!t from shinola

don't go gallivanting off now

put that in your pipe and smoke it

caviar dreams on a fishmongers wage

he went ash over tea kettle

[Subvet642]

"Gone like a Homecoming Queens virginity on Prom night"...


I just say: Off, like a prom dress.

I also like "Crap-tacular".

[Chainsaw13]

A couple of my dad's favorites.

That'll put lead in your pencil.
You're full of piss and vinegar.

[jjirons69]

Had our weekly men's meeting last night and I actually paid attention to what was being said. Tons of them thrown out.

First off talking about Viagra prescriptions (one of the guys HAD to elaborate) -
Hard as ten dollars worth of jawbreakers.
So hard a cat couldn't scratch it.
Couldn't turn the skin on it with a Sears wrench.

Others:
Happy as a mule eating briars.
Gotta pi$$ like a Russian racehorse.
Happy as a clam at high tide.
$20? I'd pay $20 to see a monkey f*ck a football.
Whip you like a red-headed stepchild.
So hungry I could the a$$ out of a Raggedy Ann Doll.
Does a cat have a climbing gear?
If? If my aunt had nuts she'd be my uncle.

Also the word $hit has tons of meanings:
Dumb as...
Hot as...
Cold as...
Drunk as...
The list goes on and on.

[kelmac07]

So hungry I could eat the a$$ out of a dead horse.

[Tio Gato]

So hungry I could eat the south end of a north bound cow.

[jjirons69]

Pissing up a rope.
Frogstrangler outside (raining hard)
Raining like pouring pi$$ out of a boot on a flat rock.
Can't find his a$$ with both hands.
Weak as a kitten.
You might? Mites are on a chicken's a$$.

[kugie]

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Not the brightest bulb on the tree.

Uglier than a bag of farts.

I use this one all the time with my daughter.

"You're so pretty"

[kugie]

Sweating like a whore in church

[AdamJoshua]

Your sister smokes corn silk.

Your sister drives a pickle wagon.

(both from a 1940s porky pig cartoon)

[Stevez]

About as useless as a puppy with two peters. (City Slickers) Still love that one.

[Mr B]

That'll put hair on your B@lls

[Brian D.]

"So ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road"


"It don't TAKE all kinds, son, we just GOT all kinds!" (A friend's dad used to say that in reply to "Well, it takes all kinds.")

[shilala]

Busier than a cat covering sh1t on a hot tin roof.
Like trying to stick a wet noodle up a wildcat's ass.
Don't know if your ass is punched or bored.
Hard as a diamond in an ice storm.

[Simple1]

About as sharp as a bowling ball....
A few fries short of a happy meal....
Looks like a goat rodeo..
We're off like a herd of turtles.

[DMK]

Not the sharpest hoe in the row.
As bright as a bag of rocks.

[jjirons69]

Like trying to herd cats.
A long row to hoe.
Folded like a cheap suit.
Be on you like white on rice.

[jjirons69]

Heard and said more last night:

Nutty as a fruit cake.
Dry as a popcorn fart.
She's got snakes in her head.
Cool as a cucumber.
Dead as a doornail.
Dead as Abraham Lincoln.

[AdamJoshua]

Hotter than the handle on the gates of Hell.

[AdamJoshua]

Down in the dumps.

[jjirons69]

Thick as the hair on a hog's back.
Manners of a hyena.
Cute as a button.
Ray Charles could see that.
If it was a snake it would have bitten you.

[ColdCuts]

I use this one all the time. Don't know where I picked it up...

Come hell or high water.

[Steve]

Slicker than snot on a door knob

[Moose6026]

Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Colder than a witche's t*t in a brass bra.
It's raining like a cow p*ssing on a flat rock.
Hotter than a whore on dollar night.
Worthless as a poop flavored lollipop.
Dumber than a stump.
Nuttier than squirrel turds.

To list a few. I love this thread

[TXRebel]

More confused than a newborn in a topless bar.

$h!t or get off the pot.

You have to be 10% smarter than what you are working on.

[jjirons69]

Want in one hand and chit in the other and see which one fills up first.

[Steve]

Want in one hand and chit in the other and see which one fills up first.

Was (and is) one of my dad's favorites!

[OLS]

My first sargent walked past me and a buddy of mine coming into the chow hall and said
"It'd take a full house to beat THIS pair." I always thought that was the best freaking line.
The military seems to be the birthplace of the wildest ones.

[kansashat]

Dense as pound cake.

Like fighting the Chinese army.

Hard as pushing chickens in a ditch.

Like a monkey peeing off a cliff...little bit go a long way.

Lower than whale $hit.

Went to $hit & the pigs ate ya.

Fell to the bottom of the pond & the catfish/carp ate ya.

Beat you like corndog batter/pancake batter/a rug.

Beat you til you smell like onions.

[Dave128]

Sorry if these are repeats, I didn't read the entire thread:

You look like a bag of smashed a$$holes.

More frustrated than a moth in a light factory.

[OLS]

I got this one so many times from my Mother..."You'd better straighten up and fly right"

And my grandmother, never to be outdone, "There's two kinds of Smart: Smart and Smart Alec".

I was the second one every time that would be forced out of her mouth.

[jjirons69]

Nervous as a cat in a room full of rockers.

[dave]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bx1Jz3IJCo8

[jjirons69]

Got some appropriate ones:

Colder than a witches caress.
Colder than a landlords heart.
Colder than a room full of ex-wives.
Colder enough to freeze the nuts off the Guy Lombardi bridge.
Cold as a mother-in-law's kiss.
Colder than a welldigger's ass.

[CoffeeWaterBeer]

Old kitchen manager in a restaurant I used to work at used to say:

"Boy, you look like a 3 legged cat trying to bury turds on a frozen pond."

[shark]

You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Standing out like a turd in the punch bowl.