View Full Version : Tasteless Holiday Jokes !!!
ysr_racer
12-16-2012, 07:39 AM
I'll get the ball rolling.
Three guys decide to skip Christmas Mass and go ice fishing. As luck would have it, all three fell through the ice and drown.
As they stand at The Pearly Gates, St. Peter is not happy. He say's "Today is Christmas, you should have been in church with your wives, but you decided to go ice fishing instead".
"If any one of you can show me that you had the Christmas Sprit today, I'll let you into heaven".
The first guy thinks about it for a moment, and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys. He shakes them and says, "These are Jingle Bells". St. Peter thinks about it and says, "OK, you're in".
The second guy thinks about it for a moment, and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette lighter. He lights it and says, "This is a Christmas candle". St. Peter thinks about it and says, "OK, you're in".
The third guy is nervous. He's thinking and thinking; finally he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of women's panties, sniffs them, and says "These are Carol's".
:noon
hammondc
12-16-2012, 08:11 AM
ahhhhhh!
Brlesq
12-16-2012, 03:15 PM
:r:r
icehog3
12-16-2012, 04:06 PM
I prefer my Holiday jokes to be funny over tasteless, but to each his own. :) :r
massphatness
12-16-2012, 04:48 PM
So were Carol's panties tasteless? Poor Carol ...
ysr_racer
12-18-2012, 07:40 AM
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it.
jjirons69
12-18-2012, 09:34 AM
Solid!
N2 GOLD
12-18-2012, 01:44 PM
LMAO!!! :ss
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
hammondc
12-19-2012, 07:06 PM
Any one liners?
icehog3
12-19-2012, 08:26 PM
Any one liners?
Take my wife......please.
pnoon
12-19-2012, 08:37 PM
Take my wife......please.
Good one, Chief.
big_jaygee
12-19-2012, 09:38 PM
:r
These are great!
jjirons69
12-21-2012, 10:59 AM
I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
jjirons69
12-21-2012, 11:01 AM
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Dave128
12-21-2012, 11:51 AM
I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
+1 :noon
cmitch
12-22-2012, 10:37 PM
Why doesn't Santa have any children?
He only comes once a year.
Route 66
12-23-2012, 07:05 AM
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
:r Very good!
Tio Gato
12-26-2012, 08:21 AM
Why doesn't Santa have any children?
He only comes once a year.
And when he does it's down the chimney.:)
MajorCaptSilly
12-26-2012, 10:00 AM
Three of Santa's best elves entered a competition to make the most train sets for the good little boys and girls. The rules were very easy: The elf who makes the most working train sets in an hour wins the "Top Elf" trophy. This was a grand occassion. All of the elfs and Santa himself were in the audience.
The three best elves were perched on a riser in the middle of all the spectators. They each had their own table. tools, and enough wood to make hundreds of train sets. With each elf ready to build, Santa climbed the riser with a starter pistol to get the event rolling. "Elves, you may start building when the pistol fires! One-Two-Three.....BANG! went the pistol."
The first two elves started building train sets at a feverish pace. Their styles while different, were quite effective. The first elf carved out all the tracks he could fit on his table, then carved the train bodies, then the wheels and went on to the next batch. The second elf completed his train sets one at a time but was very quick. The first two elves were neck and neck to the delight of the audience. At least 70 train sets were completed by each elf with 5 minutes to go.
The third elf was moving at a much slower pace. So slow, in fact, that by near the end of the competition, he had made only one train set. After the set was completed, he kept running his index finger around the length of the track while holding the train engine in his other hand staring absently at the wheels.
The competition came to and end. There was indeed a winner. Freddy the elf had finished his 73rd train set as the shot rang out signalling the two-hour mark. Freddy had beat Vernon the elf by just one train set. There were cheers in the audience as Freddy had beat the competiton record by four train sets!
After all the trophy was given to Freddy and the commotion had wore down, Santa pulled aside the third elf named Chauncy and asked him point-blank "What happened today?" Chauncy looked up at Santa with disinterested stare and said "I've been reading a lot of Sartre lately".
MCS
MajorCaptSilly
12-26-2012, 03:12 PM
Three of Santa's best elves entered a competition to make the most train sets for the good little boys and girls. The rules were very easy: The elf who makes the most working train sets in an hour wins the "Top Elf" trophy. This was a grand occassion. All of the elfs and Santa himself were in the audience.
The three best elves were perched on a riser in the middle of all the spectators. They each had their own table. tools, and enough wood to make hundreds of train sets. With each elf ready to build, Santa climbed the riser with a starter pistol to get the event rolling. "Elves, you may start building when the pistol fires! One-Two-Three.....BANG! went the pistol."
The first two elves started building train sets at a feverish pace. Their styles while different, were quite effective. The first elf carved out all the tracks he could fit on his table, then carved the train bodies, then the wheels and went on to the next batch. The second elf completed his train sets one at a time but was very quick. The first two elves were neck and neck to the delight of the audience. At least 70 train sets were completed by each elf with 5 minutes to go.
The third elf was moving at a much slower pace. So slow, in fact, that by near the end of the competition, he had made only one train set. After the set was completed, he kept running his index finger around the length of the track while holding the train engine in his other hand staring absently at the wheels.
The competition came to and end. There was indeed a winner. Freddy the elf had finished his 73rd train set as the shot rang out signalling the two-hour mark. Freddy had beat Vernon the elf by just one train set. There were cheers in the audience as Freddy had beat the competiton record by four train sets!
After all the trophy was given to Freddy and the commotion had wore down, Santa pulled aside the third elf named Chauncy and asked him point-blank "What happened today?" Chauncy looked up at Santa with disinterested stare and said "I've been reading a lot of Sartre lately".
MCS
....and that is how you kill a thread baybeeee!
MCS
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