Adoptions

[Partagaspete]

If anyone has some input as an adoptee, foster family, adoptive parent, person who was unable to care for your child and gave the child to a more capable family please comment.

Here is my story I'll try to keep it down to 1000 words...

Returned from 14 years over seas to find that my 70 y/o mother in law(Mom) was caring for my 1 y/o nepew since biomom was incapable due to addiction. We as a family that we could provide a stable home. My kids are all in college two live with me and the third is ccoming back after Grad in May. So aftere I retired from the A.F. My plans at 44 just changed for the next 20 years.

after months of dealing with Florida case workers and our states we finally went and brought him home. Right now we are not letting biomom any contact as per the recommendation from both states as se as been served a Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) wiich is curently in appeals but shee wont win.

Here are my big questions/concerns:

1. He was exposed to crack and alcohol in utero for the first 6 months of life in the toxic envi0rnment biomom calls a womb. she has been cleansupposedly for the last 1 1/2 but still is with the Bio dad (who BTW tried to dumpster im at 4 months old).

2. when If should I let contact start if she remains clean and leaves sperm donor?

I feel that is eenough to kick this off and hopefully this thread can provide some help too others grappling with similar situations from all aspects of this.

Thanks for listening.

Tony

[68TriShield]

Go with your gut Tony,you'll know whats right.You've raised three.
There are plenty that will offer expert opinions,I will not.

You have my number if you need a sounding board.

[SteveH]

Hey man...
First off, I applaud you as a person for stepping up where others cannot ! Secondly - hello from another DE member !
That said - friends of mine went through basically the same exact situation; only this child was about 3 years old. You really really need to be careful about what you say, and how you say it - regardless of how true it really is. These people are scumbags; and will do anything to use something to their advantage.
Beyond that - listen to the lawyers and heed their advice. Also, as time goes on it might not be a bad idea to consult a mental health professional. My friends have, and the doctor is providing excellent insight.
What I can glean off of their experience though is this - the child is well aware of her situation, and why it is the way that it is (surely not in every explicit detail). There are no visitations - and right now she is doing very well and has no desire to meet her biological family. IF that day arises, my friends have been very clear with her that they will all sit down as a family and discuss. So far, so good.

[hotreds]

Go with your gut Tony,you'll know whats right.You've raised three.
There are plenty that will offer expert opinions,I will not.

You have my number if you need a sounding board.

Sounds like good advice! Obviously a very delicate situation. I pray that God guide you through this difficult process, brother!

[MiamiE]

Amazing man. I wish you the best of luck. You are a great person. :tu

[forgop]

I haven't been through this myself, but all I would recommend is only to protect the child from them the best you can. It isn't going to be about appeasing the feelings of those who put the children at risk in the first place, even if they are the sperm/egg donors. At this point, that's all they've really done for the child and it's time for a real mom and dad to step forth. In my opinion, that means cutting them off from any access to the child without meeting specific criteria, whether it be a drug treatment program, and only then, would they be allowed to have any supervised interaction with the child. They would never permitted to have the child alone. :2

[BnBTobacco]

You're a good man..I salute you! Go and give that child a better future! You're on the right track!

[Coach Deg]

My wife is 35, doesn't know her dad has 2 sisters that were adopted. Her adoptive parents never let her drug adict mom know where she was and when she turned 18 she said these were her parents and never looked for her mom.

As a teacher, I also say never, because as soon as you discipline he will use the I want to go live with my mom. And if she can prove she is sober and the boy tells the court that he wants to go, then your good deed goes for naught.

Just my two cents. Follow your gut. Your doing a great thing and god will help you make the right decisions.

[mosesbotbol]

Mazel Tov to taking on such a responsibility. There will be a place in heaven for such good deeds.

I have no experience in such issues, but I would wait as long as you can before she can see him; even if that is several years. Let the child grow in a nuturing and protective enironment and then I think you'll be able to determine what is appropriate down the road for him.

It's going to take some time for him to grow above this, but with grown kids and strong family as you sound like, I think he'll end up fine. I would caution pandering too child much like he's damaged goods. Treat him as normal and be a good parent as I know you will be.

[Partagaspete]

Thank you all for the warm regards and advice. Some I'll use others I will consider but all is appreciated. I just found out sperm doner just got arrested again...

Anyway, if anybody cares to shar some perspective from the child point of view that would be great as the child is the most important equaton in this situation.

I really do hope biomom gets it together and leaves him (SD) in the dust and moves in a positive direction.

hanks again guy.

T

[qwerty1500]

I'm proud of you Tony.

I've never been through anything like this from either side of the equation. Can't even imagine all of the decisions and dilemmas that lie ahead for you. My only advice is to focus solely on what's best for your nephew.

Your family will be in my prayers for strength and wisdom. God bless you.

[Wolfgang]

I was adopted. It was a pre arranged adoption and until around my 18th birthday I was never told. When I was finally told my reaction was "is that all, you guys are my parents regardless of the parties involved in the creation of me". This being said I don't think I would have had the same reaction had I been told earlier on in my life. I believe that the only reason I was told at all is because I was going in for a kidney transplant and my bio mom offered to be my donor because she was a 4out of 6 match and said " I gave you up in love and I will do this in love as well." after that her scumbag husband divorced her because he thought one of his kids would need a kidney and it was wasted on me. Anyways..... I am a perfectly functioning human being who chooses to hang out at the Asylum. :ss best wishes to you.

[mosesbotbol]

after that her scumbag husband divorced her because he thought one of his kids would need a kidney and it was wasted on me. Anyways.....

He's real kind soul now isn't he. Wow. People will never cease to amaze.

[Wolfgang]

There are many more atrocious things that assess did too but this thread isn't my personal soap box.

[HollywoodQue]

I was adopted. It was a pre arranged adoption and until around my 18th birthday I was never told. When I was finally told my reaction was "is that all, you guys are my parents regardless of the parties involved in the creation of me". This being said I don't think I would have had the same reaction had I been told earlier on in my life. I believe that the only reason I was told at all is because I was going in for a kidney transplant and my bio mom offered to be my donor because she was a 4out of 6 match and said " I gave you up in love and I will do this in love as well." after that her scumbag husband divorced her because he thought one of his kids would need a kidney and it was wasted on me. Anyways..... I am a perfectly functioning human being who chooses to hang out at the Asylum. :ss best wishes to you.

Quick question....so did you accept the kidney from your bio mom? Are you guys trying to have a relationship now?

[Wolfgang]

Yes and yes. We are in contact almost every day now via Facebook.

[Remo]

Good on you sir, I was adopted along with my brother and sister, we all knew we were adopted from a young age, no secret. I nor my sister have any had contact with biomom's my brother was contacted by his years ago and it did not turn out well. It's great that you are taking on this responsiblilty to give the baby a better life.

[Partagaspete]

Some great thoughts here with diifferent circumstances for people who have lived in suc a household. I especially appreciate the perspective from the adoptees point of view.

Wolfgang, Inspiring story of your life. I am sure youdo have many interesting twist and turns and feel free to share as you like as well as hold onto what you want to keep personal to yourself. Thank you so much for sharing a part of your life. Unfortunately, since she is my sister in law I wont be able to hide it nor do I want to lie but we do need to keep it "age appropriate."

Remo,

So I take it your brothers Bio mom is different than yours? too often these reaquintance meetings do not go so well. In the case of Tristan we will avoid contact as long as we can for that reason. After all it would just confuse him and he is already having abondonmnet issues right now as I believe he thinks "it's been about the same amount of time where aboandomnet is coming agan..."

Thanks again all for your support

T

[CoreyD]

Wow I just now seen this, I see this at times in my field of work and being in recovery myself for 9 years on all sides of the fence just not first hand thank god. There has been great feedback and I agree its a sticky situation that has many doors and things behind them as well as questions on how the kid from womb may experience his/her life growing up. Not in any way will my post give advice or counsel but I can say this..

1. I pray that the lord opens your eyes and hands to allow you to see and work in the way he wants you to in that child's life as a caregiver and protector and loved one,and that he watches over that said child .

2. any visitation with biological mother if passes a drug screen continually and home visit from a health and human services child protection case worker,should have a court appointed health and human services child protection case worker watch over that said visit in a public place or your home or somewhere that is safe for both the child and case worker for at least a year or more before review.

Any questions why i threw these 2 things up just ask. but I have seen people turn their life around and have seen the child benefit elsewhere and seen it mess up child as well. Honesty,truth and communication and love is best. As the kid gets older if he/she was taught to communicate to you how he/she feels, professional counseling or a youth pastor wouldn't hurt for the child to work on these emotions and stuff.-Corey

[Partagaspete]

Wow I just now seen this, I see this at times in my field of work and being in recovery myself for 9 years on all sides of the fence just not first hand thank god. There has been great feedback and I agree its a sticky situation that has many doors and things behind them as well as questions on how the kid from womb may experience his/her life growing up. Not in any way will my post give advice or counsel but I can say this..

1. I pray that the lord opens your eyes and hands to allow you to see and work in the way he wants you to in that child's life as a caregiver and protector and loved one,and that he watches over that said child .

2. any visitation with biological mother if passes a drug screen continually and home visit from a health and human services child protection case worker,should have a court appointed health and human services child protection case worker watch over that said visit in a public place or your home or somewhere that is safe for both the child and case worker for at least a year or more before review.

Any questions why i threw these 2 things up just ask. but I have seen people turn their life around and have seen the child benefit elsewhere and seen it mess up child as well. Honesty,truth and communication and love is best. As the kid gets older if he/she was taught to communicate to you how he/she feels, professional counseling or a youth pastor wouldn't hurt for the child to work on these emotions and stuff.-Corey

Excellent response Corey and it is appreciated, Fortuantely Biomom has been clean for 1.5 yrs but I think that is only because she has mandated drug screens...but I know she still hits the bottle. That being said I do hope she cleans up her life but as of now we blocked all contact. AS many here have said. It is all about the boy!

[Partagaspete]

I haven't really been an active member lately but I thought an update was in order.

Bio mom got arrested for violating probi. I think she had drugs in system. SD is in Georgia thought he is ther illegally as he is still a probi but I will not dime him out as that is not how I roll. I want them to succed. Supposedly he is htere getting clean with family and when Biomom gets out she plans to join him and try to keep clean. I doubt it will work out but I am the consumate optimist with cynical tendancies...We finalized the adoption and he is the cutest kid around and soooo well adjusted.

Christ he is old enough to be my grandson. I hope I do him justice as a dad. He still has some episodes with previous history but it will take a few years to get ppast that and we are aware. I alos think the BN ans SD are coming to grips with the fact that he is now our son and not thiers. Not that SD really cares except for the fact that BM does care.

Sorry if this is disjointed but just it just came out as it did and that is all. Thanks for reading.

T

[BHalbrooks]

Thanks for listening.

Tony
Exact situation with my 3 cousins and "Aunt". She had them in between dives into crack, who knows what else. Since they've grown past 18, she's been inprisoned for meth, dealing crack...

No matter what, keep at it. Like others have said, you've obviously done a great job with your other kids. Do what you feel is right.

Just a 23 year olds :2