Stupid knows no bounds.

[shilala]

Appears I'll be spending the day in bed. This is a good story that pretty much typifies the depth of and width and breadth of my retardation, so bear with me.
I have a neurological disorder that makes all my muscles contract, then doesn't allow them to retract. I take tons of pills that keep it mostly in check, which is totally awesome, and I thank the Good Lord for it every day.*
There's just one hitch, I cannot ingest potassium. I have to read every label, and watch for it everywhere. It's not even a big deal. A little doesn't matter, I just have to stay away from "lots of potassium" stuff, like soft drinks, diet "vitamin water", anything with weird potassium chemical derivatives.
So fast forward to yesterday...
Aunt Beverly brought one of those graham cracker deserts with 3 inches of cool whip and sprinkles on top to the Super Bowl party we hosted.
I saw my daughter passing out plates and asked her, "Fix up your old Dad". So she got my a giant pile, and i pounded it in my face at light speed. I remember thinking, "mmmmmmmmmm, these bananas aren't even mooshy. Aunt Beverly must have got bananas just a few days ago cause they're just right"
Then Lisa said, "Isn't that bananas?", to which I replied, "ya, baby. Want some?"
She declined. A bit later while I'm stomping the second giant pile in my face, Lisa says "Is that more of that banana stuff?, to which I replied, "oh, yeah, baby, It is SO good!!!"
A little while later, I started gimping around while we were cleaning up. I made a comment to her about it, and she said "You had two plates of bananas, what do you expect? You're really gonna pay tomorrow."
At that very moment is when it occurred to me that banana desert contained bananas.*
Then I said "Why'd you let me eat that crap, you know I can't eat that stuff?" (That's the old "divert attention and shift the blame" technique. Lisa is too smart, it doesn't work, but I'm compelled to try it out occasionally, anyways.)
Her answer was "I asked you if there bananas in there."
That's when I explained to her that it never occurred to me for a moment that banana desert actually contained bananas. I'm not sure she really believes I'm that stupid, but here I am before God and my brothers exclaiming "Yes, Martha, I'm that freaking stupid."
Fortunately she was good enough to fetch me a green pill a little while ago which are my emergency pills that'll keep my muscles from tearing up my joints and ruining me for a week. I'll spend the day all doofy from green pills watching SpongeBob.

The proper response to this story is not "Sorry, Scott, get better soon."
I'm thinking something more on the lines of "damn, man, you're about as sharp as a rubber band" would be far more appropriate. :D

And so I haven't completely wasted your time, here's an interesting fact. Prunes have way more potassium than bananas. I just found that out a couple weeks ago. Fortunately I didn't eat them. I now treat them as if they're toxic waste.

[hotreds]

I think it's actually a reaction to the "Go Steelers " under your avatar.

Feel better soon, brother!

[icehog3]

Stupid sexy bananas. :mad:

Feel better, Scott. (Sorry, I had to.)

[pektel]

I'll spend the day all doofy from green pills watching SpongeBob.



Doofy? :lr
http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g320/tater74/doofy.jpg

Spongebob ain't too bad. I have a 3 year old who LOVES the show, so naturally I watch a good amount of it with him.

[Blindjimme]

Gee Scott, that was dum. D - U - M, dum. :) Stay away from prunes, too:tu

[kelmac07]

Goober!!! Two plates?? Really?? :D

[68TriShield]

There are actually Bananas in a Banana dessert? Go figure :D

[Wanger]

Damn, are you stupid, or what? I'd vote for the "or what" option, as it'd be an insult to stupid people, otherwise. :p

Hope you feel better soon, and remember that banana desserts usually contain bananas. Though someday soon, I'm sure someone will come up with a banana-less banana dessert. Just for you. :)

[landhoney]

Prunes have way more potassium than bananas. I just found that out a couple weeks ago. Fortunately I didn't eat them. I now treat them as if they're toxic waste.

No known neurological disorders here and I still treat them like this. ;):D

The question is, was the dessert worth it? :r
Pills and SpongeBob don't sound to bad to me. ;)
Seriously though, glad you're OK.

[J0eybb]

http://i.neoseeker.com/mgv/423408-Huemaluema/408/12/i_is_evil_banana_display.png

[taltos]

Scott, I am going to print this thread and use you as an example of how Steelers fans are sharp as a bowling ball. Hope that you feel better soon.:r:r

[Subvet642]

Sorry, Scott, get better soon. My aunt always told me that the lessons learned hardest are the ones learned best. Besides, bananas and Cool Whip are just too hard to resist.

[Ogre]

I guess we have to put labels on Bananas warning people that they contain potassium. LOL. sorry to hear you have to spend the day in bed. Take care brother.

[14holestogie]

;s u r dum. :r

[taltos]

Just one last warning Scott; cigars are known to contain tobacco.:r:r

[gvarsity]

You crack me up. I'll give you stoopid but feel better anyway. LOL!

[Sled Dog]

Anybody want to try to guess what color Oranges are?

[newcigarz]

http://rlv.zcache.com/banana_dont_eat_me_tshirt-p235411450901107555q6vb_400.jpg

[CigarNut]

Here you go:

Common foods with more potassium per serving are baked potatoes with 1081 milligrams per medium potato, bananas with 594 milligrams per one cup (297 per half cup), lima beans with 955 milligrams per cup (477.5 per half cup) and pinto beans with 800 milligrams per cup.

In the fruit department five dates or two dried figs have 271 milligrams, cantaloupe has 494 milligrams per one cup, orange juice has 496 milligrams per cup, pears have 208 milligrams each medium pear and one nectarine has 288 milligrams of potassium.

Milk or yogurt at 407 (for skim milk) to 579 milligrams, for plain yogurt, of potassium per cup. Cooked greens such as spinach (839 milligrams per cup) or tomato sauce (909 milligrams per cup).

Brussel sprouts, carrots, melons, winter squash, papaya, baked sweet potato (with the skin), cooked mushrooms, lentils and artichokes all have 500 or more milligrams of potassium per serving. Baked or broiled salmon, dark meat turkey and lean beef also contain 500 to 600 milligrams of potassium per 6 ounce, or dinner meal, serving.

Salt substitute has approximately 356 milligrams of potassium per one quarter teaspoon. There are also sports drinks available, in flavors like grape, orange, strawberry, lemon-lime, sour melon or cherry, that have added potassium.

[357]

Sorry Scott. Hope you feel better.


BTW, head's up for kiwi, cantaloupe, or OJ (especially if he has a knife).

[pektel]

Anybody want to try to guess what color Oranges are?

green.

[tenbaseg]

This would work as a reminder:
http://cache0.bigcartel.com/product_images/31250073/dancingbanana.jpg

[replicant_argent]

mhm...


Here ya go, Scott.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gx98pskffOY

[HK3-]

Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... :D

Now I don't feel so stupid for grabbing hot pans with no mitten on after they come out of the oven.

[pektel]

Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... :D

Now I don't feel so stupid for grabbing hot pans with no mitten on after they come out of the oven.

I do that more than I like to admit. Not a hot pan straight from the oven, though. I take it out with hot pads, set the table, and for some reason forget the pan is still hot as a mofo until I grab onto it to bring to the table.

[yourchoice]

Damn, man, you're about as sharp as a rubber band!

[Skywalker]

Dumb A$$!!!:D

[sikk50]

"damn, man, you're about as sharp as a rubber band"

[CasaDooley]

To always be remembered as "The Super Bowl Banana Incident:noon" I salute you Monsieur Dumass.:r





I'm glad you're feeling better Scott!:D

[G G]

Well I have to admit there is some comedy there, hope it goes away fast buddy.

[shilala]

There are actually Bananas in a Banana dessert? Go figure :D
Exactly. Crazy, right?
What's worse is that Lisa told me, and it still never occurred to me I can't eat them.

[T.G]

Damn dude...

BTW - phone call for you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wky5H1xC6-I

[Skywalker]

Take two of these and call me in the morning...
http://www.seacoast.com/images/20_2791_94_Potassium.jpg

[HK3-]

I do that more than I like to admit. Not a hot pan straight from the oven, though. I take it out with hot pads, set the table, and for some reason forget the pan is still hot as a mofo until I grab onto it to bring to the table.

Same here. I'm just too lazy to type it all out. :)

[shilala]

Same here. I'm just too lazy to type it all out. :)
We call oven mitts the "gawdammitts".

[acarr]

Are there tators in there tator tots:sl

[Zeuceone]

have some apple pie.

http://naturallivingcuisine.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/banana-cream-pie_w.jpg

[Smokin Gator]

The light was one but nobody was home huh Scott!! Gotta say I feel sorry for ya though. No nanner pudding would SUCK!!!

[Superbad]

Feel better Scott!

[shilala]

After showing Michael's list of stuff with Potassium in it, turns out I had a couple oranges, two piles of banana goo, a bunch of stuffed mushrooms, and I slopped a ton of sketti sauce on my hot sausage sammich. Iate mostly crab stuffed mushrooms, but I ate some spinach ones, too.
Quite frankly, I'm fortunate I'm not up at the hospital getting shots in my ass. That's what they used to do to me about once a month before we got this crap under control.

I fix this by eating a bunch of cereal and I drink a gallon or two of water. It flushes my system. Tomorrow I'll be a champ. :=:

[tobii3]

This is a good story that pretty much typifies the depth of and width and breadth of my retardation, so bear with me.

Meh, no worries Scott. I work with some guys that make you look like Einstein.

(The following actually occurred on an Airborne Operation)

Soldier: "This is my first jump in the unit...which way do we go?"

Sergeant: "(pointing at the open tailgate) You go OUT THAT BIG F*CKING HOLE!"

Soldier: "I meant once we get out of the aircraft Sergeant"

Sergeant: "YOU GO DOWN JACKA$$"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, while teaching a civilian SCUBA class, we had a blonde that kept flipping out underwater during training...so we're curious as to why she's going psycho underwater...

She comes up to the surface, sputtering and coughing, and says:

""Every time I breathe I get air in my mouth"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scott, you have a LONG way to go to surpass the mental retardation of some of the "geniuses" I have worked with!

Hey, you want me to send you the recipe for my wife's Banana Bread? The stuff is awesome!:D

[Neens]

:r:r:r
Sorry for your pain brother but its just too funny.
:noon:noon

[Skywalker]

After showing Michael's list of stuff with Potassium in it, turns out I had a couple oranges, two piles of banana goo, a bunch of stuffed mushrooms, and I slopped a ton of sketti sauce on my hot sausage sammich. Iate mostly crab stuffed mushrooms, but I ate some spinach ones, too.
Quite frankly, I'm fortunate I'm not up at the hospital getting shots in my ass. That's what they used to do to me about once a month before we got this crap under control.

I fix this by eating a bunch of cereal and I drink a gallon or two of water. It flushes my system. Tomorrow I'll be a champ. :=:

Just don't put bananas on your cereal! Especially real bananas!:noon

[shilala]

Hey, you want me to send you the recipe for my wife's Banana Bread? The stuff is awesome!:D
I freakin LOVE banana bread.

[Apoco]

A bushel of bananas is in the mail as a "get better" gift ;)
Posted via Mobile Device

[jesseboston81]

Oh no Scott! I hope you feel better soon!

Are you sure the presence of bananas in dessert doesn't make your brain contract! :D :r Just joking with you! Good thoughts sent your way!

[BlackDog]

"Damn, man, you're about as sharp as a rubber band." :r

Sorry brother, I hope you're feeling better soon. :tu

[taltos]

Smoke 2 Banana Phillies and call me in the morning.:r:r

[shilala]

I'm back to about 90% today. I should be able to take over the world today with no issues whatsoever.

[replicant_argent]

I'm back to about 90% today. I should be able to take over the world today with no issues whatsoever.

NARF!!!

http://lh5.ggpht.com/darraghdoyle/SH6Ypx6_McI/AAAAAAAAUzA/yY6oQL6nC-0/s400/pinkyAndTheBrain-1.gif

[GodOfFire]

Meh, no worries Scott. I work with some guys that make you look like Einstein.

(The following actually occurred on an Airborne Operation)

Soldier: "This is my first jump in the unit...which way do we go?"

Sergeant: "(pointing at the open tailgate) You go OUT THAT BIG F*CKING HOLE!"

Soldier: "I meant once we get out of the aircraft Sergeant"

Sergeant: "YOU GO DOWN JACKA$$"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, while teaching a civilian SCUBA class, we had a blonde that kept flipping out underwater during training...so we're curious as to why she's going psycho underwater...

She comes up to the surface, sputtering and coughing, and says:

""Every time I breathe I get air in my mouth"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scott, you have a LONG way to go to surpass the mental retardation of some of the "geniuses" I have worked with!

Hey, you want me to send you the recipe for my wife's Banana Bread? The stuff is awesome!:D

This is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time. Almost as bad as a buddy of mine, his dad told me this story and counted it as true.

He and another soldier was flying in a KC-10 he was a boom operator and if I remember correctly the soldier was in training. On approaching the airfield, at 8000 feet or more in the air you know sizes on the ground can be distorted.... maybe.....?


after flying over the run way and circling for final approach

Soldier: Which way do we land?

Friend's Dad: (looking dumbfounded) What do you mean?

Soldier: Do we land on the width of the runway or the length of it?

Friend's Dad: (stone cold poker face) The length.

[shilala]

NARF!!!




Way better than SpongeBob, IMHO. I'd watch Pinky and the Brain every day if I could.

[WildBlueSooner]

So the point of the story is you are stuipd, right Scott?

Tell us something we didnt know! :r

Just kidding
















But seriously

[shilala]

So the point of the story is you are stuipd, right Scott?

Tell us something we didnt know! :r

Just kidding.
But seriously
Apparently, I have my moments. :D

[TBone]

so your not the sharpest knife in the draw...I did even worse than this.

I had a total hip replacement at the 27 Oct. When I got home dosed out of my mind I put my daily pill box together. Not realizing my Prilosec and my Lyrica is a half shade different from each other and that I was out of the Prilosec I went ahead dosed myself from 75 mg to 625 mg. You say no big deal well Prilosec is for my ulsers and the Lyrica is for my Fibro Myalgia. Lyrica works on the central nervous system. On 2 Nov I lost motor control and speech. I had my wife take me to a Level 1 Trauma center around the corner from my house...remember I just had major surgery...I get to the hospital and they can't figure out whats going on because after 9 attempts of drawing blood and 5 attempts of an IV the hospital decided I was having a nervous break down and gave me not one but two shots of Dilauded (a synthetic Morphene) It put me down for about two hours and when I came to, I was in more distress then before. I had my wife get me into a Hyundai Elantra (of which I can't bend down to get in) and drive me to the Military faciility that did my surgery. Upon arrival my wife handed them my pill box and within minutes determined I was in a low dose OD with the Lyrica and with the Dilauded that the Level 1 trauma gave me put me into a full blown OD. It took them 17 sticks to find a vein and on the 18th they went into my Carotid artery on the right side because they had blown the right. I heard from the Doc if she couldn't get the right they were running a line through the armpit. I was in the hospital about 15 hrs and had to have the hip realigned as it dislocated getting into the car. But as you can see the bets made of me not making it were a loss and I was politely told by the Medical staff who know me well....your an idiot for trying to put your pills together toasted...So I understand your issue well Scott..glad to hear your doing better...Good to know I'm not in a club by myself...

[Sailchaser]

Scott, I just shared your story with Kat and she can't understand why I see no problem with your logical thinking for I to am alergic to the yellow fruit and still continue to use the diversion tatic with Kat and can not figure out why it does not work either:noon:noon

[macpappy]

Shilala: I have a disorder that means I can't eat anything with potassium because of the pills I have to take. Give me some more of that banana dessert will you.

In the words of the great Jeff Foxworthy...

HERE'S YOUR SIGN!

[emopunker2004]

Shilala: I have a disorder that means I can't eat anything with potassium because of the pills I have to take. Give me some more of that banana dessert will you.

In the words of the great Jeff Foxworthy...

HERE'S YOUR SIGN!

ummmmm thats not Jeff Forxworth...its Bill Engvall :tu

[shilala]

ummmmm thats not Jeff Forxworth...its Bill Engvall :tu
I thought it was Jeff Foxworthy, too. :D