Alabao by Perdomo- The banned version

[Katmancross]

OK guys.....it's supposed to be funny and silly and a play on the movie, "127 Hours." The review is real surrounded by a story best read after a six pack. I know the "real" cigar guys don't approve but I'm asking you to give me a chance here and just enjoy it.
Thanks

ALABAO- AT YOUR OWN RISK

I found myself stuck in the bottom of a ravine. I had decided to hike, alone, in the area of Apache Junction near the Superstition Mountains. I am an experienced climber and made the fatal mistake: Arrogance.

I had slipped on some shale and fell forward and then my body swiveled and I went straight down a ravine. Looking up, it seemed like at least 20 feet. I was covered in cuts and bruises.I gathered my senses and began to climb up. I had risen 5 feet when a large rock dislodged and I fell again, this time with the rock lodging my forearm between the wedged rock and the wall of the ravine.

I couldn't move my arm. I struggled for over an hour. It seemed like a good time to stop and think and come up with a plan. I pulled a cigar out of my pack with my good hand. An Alabao. Made by Nick Perdomo for Famous-Smoke. It was one of my regular go-to's.

The pre-light aroma was wonderful, under the circumstances, with a faint espresso going on. It helped me block out the pain. Distraction. I had no way to pop the cap. So I bit off the end.At first light, I tasted cedar and a mild sweet tobacco flavor. Very mild. Huge billows of white smoke emitted from the end. As I smoked, I could taste coffee bean and cocoa. Every now and then I tugged my arm to see if I could dislodge it. No way.

The sweet spice stayed with me. But at the half way point, it became more medium in body while the flavors began to spread out. My nerves were shot but the Alabao had a calming effect.

I could taste the Criollo wrapper. Always tangy. Delicious.

I love it when cigars provide a creaminess to the back of the mouth. Like suckling on mother's milk.The stick portrayed some hint of nuts...almonds and cashews...with that creaminess swirling around it.

As the cigar wound down, it ramped up in flavor and strength but never getting harsh or hot. The sweet spice and nuts kicked in big time. I smoked it to the nub. And then reality set back in.

It was late in the afternoon. A small rodent was at my foot. It was gnawing at my boot. I shooed it away. And then more congregated. I began to panic. My obituary would read I was eaten by rodents.

I grabbed another cigar and ripped it apart and spit the pieces to the ground. The rodents started chewing on the pieces and seemed to like it. Then, when they finished, they stopped and looked up at me. Laughingly, I asked them if they could get help? Several nodded up and down. Obviously, I was hallucinating. I asked the others to start chewing my right arm off just in case the other rodents forgot what their mission was. I read the other idiot that did this to himself waited for about a week before he decided to saw his hand off. I wasn't going to wait that long. Hygiene issues.

Maybe 7 or 8 climbed the rock and started chewing my flesh. I screamed out in pain. One of the rodents ran away and returned with a strange looking cactus flower and stuck it in my mouth. I chewed it and the pain lessened. Before long, I felt pretty good.

I sang the entire Rogers & Hammerstein song book followed by Billy Joel, Billie Holliday, and Rush. It was getting dark and no sign of help.

I smoked another Alabao and it helped calm me but then, whatever I took ,started to make me chatty. I asked the rodents, who I named, Moe, Curly, Larry, Zeppo, Dick, Beyonce, and Irving about their lives. "How's the family? You guys doing alright?" I heard one say, "I do alright, but try and find a decent bagel." I nodded.

The bone was exposed. The rodents spread out as a very large rodent, who I named Mongo, sauntered towards the exposed bone. I heard him ask if I was ready? I told him I could use a little more of that cactus flower. He turned his head and was handed the flower and then he stuffed it in my mouth. He waited a few minutes for it to kick in.

And then I heard him and a smaller female rodent sing "I know I stand in line until you think you have the time to spend an evening with me. And then I go and spoil it all by saying somethin' stupid like I love you!"

Holy crap. They were doing Frank and Nancy Sinatra. I gotta' bring some of this cactus home. And with that, I heard a crunching sound as Mongo went to work on my bone.As he finished, I heard human voices above, yelling, "Katman! Can you hear us? Where are you?"

Map of Superstition Mountains. They found me!

I yelled out my location. Flashlights flooded the ravine and my rodent friends scattered.

"Yeah...a bunch of funny looking rodents came and got us. They scratched out a map with their noses and we followed it. Are you alright?"

I waved my stump and yelled. "I'm just peachy! Owie."

"Mongo...I love you!"


The Bottom Line: With the proper aging, I give it an 88

[Kreth]

How do I put this politely?

"You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
"Please pack your knives and go."
"Now on the clock, the Detroit Lions."
"Take off your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen."
"FAIL."

;)
Posted via Mobile Device

[Katmancross]

How do I put this politely?

"You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
"Please pack your knives and go."
"Now on the clock, the Detroit Lions."
"Take off your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen."
"FAIL."

;)
Posted via Mobile Device

Wow...that was kind of harsh. Was it really that bad?

[Katmancross]

I've got 9 clients who think I'm kinda' funny and that's what they want me to do for them.
Where is the disconnect?

[Katmancross]

How do I put this politely?

"You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
"Please pack your knives and go."
"Now on the clock, the Detroit Lions."
"Take off your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen."
"FAIL."

;)
Posted via Mobile Device

Jeff,
Please tell me you didn't mean all those nasty things. That you were being sarcastic or funny. Because if you really meant it, that's just downright mean.
:)

[Kreth]

I've got 9 clients who think I'm kinda' funny and that's what they want me to do for them.
Where is the disconnect?
I simply don't find it funny. And with all of your posts about how crazy and hilarious your reviews are, I felt like I got Heavy Metal 2000.
Posted via Mobile Device

[Katmancross]

I simply don't find it funny. And with all of your posts about how crazy and hilarious your reviews are, I felt like I got Heavy Metal 2000.
Posted via Mobile Device

Never once said they were hilarious. Check it. I said they were silly and irreverent and probably best read after a 6 pack.
That's just really mean. And you had to put it out there for everyone to see.
Maybe it ain't Hemingway, but I've got retailers lining up to use me.
I guess you need to have a twisted sense of humor to enjoy them.
I'm sorry that you feel you had to rip me a new a**h**e.
If you can find even one post in which I claim to be hilarious, I will send you $100.
You really screwed up my day.

[Zeuceone]

Didn't see any humor. Maybe I'm to young to understand it.

[Kreth]

Not everyone is gonna love your stuff. And I *was* poking fun, hence the smiley. But if you're going to post stuff on the net, you may want to invest in a thicker skin. Ain't nothing but 1s and 0s...
Posted via Mobile Device

[dannysguitar]

Never once said they were hilarious. Check it. I said they were silly and irreverent and probably best read after a 6 pack.
That's just really mean. And you had to put it out there for everyone to see.
Maybe it ain't Hemingway, but I've got retailers lining up to use me.
I guess you need to have a twisted sense of humor to enjoy them.
I'm sorry that you feel you had to rip me a new a**h**e.
If you can find even one post in which I claim to be hilarious, I will send you $100.
You really screwed up my day.

Wow. You really made him sad.

[bobarian]

ALABAO- AT YOUR OWN RISK

I pulled a cigar out of my pack with my good hand. An Alabao. Made by Nick Perdomo for Famous-Smoke. It was one of my regular go-to's.

The pre-light aroma was wonderful, under the circumstances, with a faint espresso going on. It helped me block out the pain. Distraction. I had no way to pop the cap. So I bit off the end.At first light, I tasted cedar and a mild sweet tobacco flavor. Very mild. Huge billows of white smoke emitted from the end. As I smoked, I could taste coffee bean and cocoa. Every now and then I tugged my arm to see if I could dislodge it. No way.

The sweet spice stayed with me. But at the half way point, it became more medium in body while the flavors began to spread out. My nerves were shot but the Alabao had a calming effect.

I could taste the Criollo wrapper. Always tangy. Delicious.

I love it when cigars provide a creaminess to the back of the mouth. Like suckling on mother's milk.The stick portrayed some hint of nuts...almonds and cashews...with that creaminess swirling around it.

As the cigar wound down, it ramped up in flavor and strength but never getting harsh or hot. The sweet spice and nuts kicked in big time. I smoked it to the nub.

The Bottom Line: With the proper aging, I give it an 88

Your review and heading are a complete disconnect. Either it is a cigar you can recommend or something we should only smoke at our own risk. Also, I dont understand your conclusion. Was this an aged cigar? If so how old? If not, how do you know it will rate an 88 with age. :2

[pnoon]

How do I put this politely?

"You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
"Please pack your knives and go."
"Now on the clock, the Detroit Lions."
"Take off your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen."
"FAIL."

;)
Posted via Mobile Device

Personally, I think you failed miserably at putting it "politely". Far from it.

If I call you an a$$hole but put a ;) after it, does that make it o.k.? I don't think so. I will be the first to admit that the reviews are somewhat off the wall and that they are not for everyone. I'm not a huge fan either but they certainly don't bother me.

Now, all that being said, feel free to critique the review(s) but public commentary on the person has never been permitted here.

I thought about PMing you but I think the message is important enough for everyone to heed.

[Drez]

I agree that phillips stuff is not for everyone. I for one find it a good read and a different way of doing something. I will admit that some are better then others but that also goes for people who write books or make movies, not everything is a best seller or a hit.

No need for anyone to be rude or anyone to take offense here. We are a great community here and we all need to remember the most important topic at hand......... Which is smoking good sticks while making good company


Now everyone take a breath, grab a drink and a stick and let's do what we do best and smoke and relax

:):):):):)

[icehog3]

Now everyone take a breath, grab a drink and a stick and let's do what we do best and smoke and relax

:):):):)

Just not an Alabao by Perdomo. ;)

[Drez]

Just not an Alabao by Perdomo. ;)

Lol no this calls for a black and mild errrrr I mean a CAO brazilia lol

[bscottskangum]

After reading the above comments I feel the need to add my :2, which may be unnecessary. But I think it may be helpful for the author to know what I feel is a little off about the review and it may be that others feel the same.

About the review...

I find, at the end of this review, I can't really remember what was said about the cigar.

If I read this solely for entertainment I would probably get a kick out of it. But I feel I have no more education on the cigar than when I started, which to me is the whole point of a review.

I really do appreciate the effort to liven things up, but to me a happy median needs to be met. More information about the cigar and it would be an excellent review. As it is, it is a good read but not as good of a review.

But in the end, if you enjoy it the way it is, forget what other people say, keep doing your thing.

[Bill86]

I guess I must have missed 60 minutes..........















Or 127 hours.


I'll be honest I couldn't read it, too lengthy. If it was all about the cigar I MIGHT have been able to read MOST of it.

[68TriShield]

If I were searching for a review on this particular cigar and found the one you posted,I would look for another more serious attempt at an actual review.
I'd probably pass over your other ones as well to save time if nothing else.
But that's just me.


Jeff we have a "no cigar snob" policy here,don't forget.
It's about cigars,nothing more.If you don't like someones review style,keep it to yourself please.

[Adriftpanda]

Phillip, thank you for sharing your work with us. Some might not enjoy it, but some would, just not for everyone. I am sorry that it wasn't a hit to some of the botl like you might have expected it to, but we all have different ways of doing reviews, nothing wrong with the way you do it. Continue what you are doing. Personally, I liked the fact that you put a lot of effort into it.

If you are still upset, send me your addy, I'll send you some blind cigars to review.

[whodeeni]

To a Certain degree Jeff was probably trying to give you some constructive Criticism,
but the flip side of it is that he really was rude, and that's uncalled for. Jeff brotha,
you "ARE NOT" the Simon Cowell of the cigar world! (Or at Least I hope you're not!):sh

Philip, there really is a disconnect between reviewing cigars, and telling a story,
i started reading your review on here, then I clicked on the link thinking it was
going to be one of those "Dan Reevish" read the review here, and click on my
page for the entire review, and the pics....

and it was an even more in depth story about the beatles, and something of
a review near the end... There were no pics, and honestly i really didn't get it.
I'm not trying to call you out, embarass you or anything of the sort....
I'm personally looking for more information about "The Cigar" when I read one, and seeing pics helps also!

In some way, i hope what I say helps, and that you don't feel as though i'm trying to rain on your parade because i'm not.

Sincerely,

"X"

[MajorCaptSilly]

There are actually a few people who don't understand/appreciate my sense of humor. I know it seems ludicrous but it's true. You have to understand that if you put it out there, you may not get the results you wanted. Move on and be happy. It's just words on a screen.


MCS

[icehog3]

There are actually a few people who don't understand/appreciate my sense of humor. I know it seems ludicrous but it's true. You have to understand that if you put it out there, you may not get the results you wanted. Move on and be happy. It's just words on a screen.


MCS

God I love you.

[Kreth]

To a Certain degree Jeff was probably trying to give you some constructive Criticism,
but the flip side of it is that he really was rude, and that's uncalled for. Jeff brotha,
you "ARE NOT" the Simon Cowell of the cigar world! (Or at Least I hope you're not!):sh

Absolutely not. I don't have a single XS tee in my wardrobe. The original review was movie-themed. I posted a reply in the style of several reality shows (and one Internet meme). Somehow this was a personal attack, even though I made no specific comment about the OP. Much like the OP's reviews, people didn't get it, I guess...
Posted via Mobile Device

[Katmancross]

I decided to drop out of it once it got personal. I don't expect everyone to get what I do. The ones that don't get it tend to be the vocal ones.
This is no s**t, but I get offers almost everyday from some online store or combination of online/B&M asking me to write for them. I have owners calling me all excited that they might have the opportunity that I could write all this silly stuff that some of you hate. They all like the concept.
To the guys who don't get it, it's OK. We all have different ways of looking at things. Going into this with F****s, we knew we were taking a chance. And in the beginning, they got lots of comments like yours. It's stupid. It makes no sense. Where are the cigar photos 1/3, 2/3, bottom line?
I'm doing something no one else is doing. And it's upsetting everyone's sense of balance. It makes no sense to you and so you hate it.
Besides the State side stores, I'm getting offers from Europe...stores, cigar associations, magazines.
I'm currently in negotiations with the BBC Movie Division to write a movie that's a combination of all the things on my personal blog.
I can hear you all laughing.
I was arrogant to think that my buddies would not be so tough on me. That's my fault.
Peter said some nice things even though he doesn't like my stuff either. LOL!
So I'm going to lay back, enjoy the site, involve myself when I want to, not post anymore reviews/stories.....and enjoy the fruits of my labor. Life is too short for getting all lathered up in negativity. I have better things to do.

[icehog3]

I'm doing something no one else is doing. And it's upsetting everyone's sense of balance. It makes no sense to you and so you hate it.


Not true Phillip, I wrote this review on CS in 2005:

Tamboril

I decide to smoke the Tamboril in the parking garage near where I work. Pulling the cigar from its cellophane jail, I swear I have seen this cigar before. Finally, it comes to me…it is just the same as the Cuban Cohibas I bought from the guy walking the beach in Cancun last summer. A squeeze reveals a spongy construction, much like a contraceptive sponge prior to insertion.

Pre-light draw

The pre-light draw is a taste to remember…its what I imagine sucking powdered goat feces through a straw made of petrified moose $hit might taste like. I contemplate quitting the contest and sending Dave back his extra smokes, but decide that if I can have a root canal with no anesthesia, I can smoke this cigar.

The smoke

As I toast the end, the smell of the Killing Fields of Cambodia is what I perceive. All the pain and torture endured there seems only slightly worse than the experience I am beginning. The first draw fills my mouth with smoke that would be better suited for a fire at a tire factory, but I press on, knowing that I must help Dave find some answers to his dilemma. My head begins to pound like a headboard in a Ginger Lynn movie, but I puff again, trying to keep the smoke in and the bile down. The cigar is burning sideways and fast, and finally I can take no more. I see a homeless man walking by in his filthy clothes, and I ask him to spit in my mouth to take away the taste of the Tamboril. He obliges and the stale taste of Mad Dog 20/20 and Virginia Slims is a welcome change. I offer him the remainder of the cigar as a reward for his kind gesture, and he slugs me square in the mouth. The mixture of my own blood and the Mogan David remain with me on my journey home for the second part of my adventure.

Cremosa

I take the Cremosa out of its wrapper, and am immediately overwhelmed by the scent of Miss Locascio’s house. Miss L was the woman on our block with 72 cats, 3 ferrets and a nasty flatulence problem. The cigar feels harder than the mattress at the Motel 6 and has the same color as the middle of horrorview’s prescription thong.

Pre-light draw

The pre-light draw feels looser than an Irish hooker on St Patrick’s Day. I long for the taste of spit and blood again as I taste the rancid pork washed down with spoiled milk flavor that the Cremosa offers.I shudder as I reach into my pocket for my lighter. As I contemplate my next move, Chevy Chase appears on my shoulder…”See the cigar, hog….be the cigar”….I flick my bic.

The smoke

The smell of the cigar is a familiar one….the smoke smells like the water that leaks out of a dumpster behind a Mexican restaurant on a 95 degree day. My head swims with irrational thoughts….”should I slit my wrists?”….”should I eat a bullet?”…..”should I watch 'American Idol'?”. Finally, sanity creeps back in, and I rush to the sink. No time for the Drew Estates Dave included as a palate cleanser, I reach for the Liquid Plumber and greedily chug from the bottle. The second degree burns scorching my tongue bring welcome relief from the taste of the Craposa. In the ambulance, the paramedic asks ”what is that rancid pork and spoiled milk smell on your breath”, even as he stabilizes my vital signs. I will live, he tells me, and by the way, he found my cigar and saved it for me. I wonder if they will have any sharp items in my hospital room?

So the loser… or the winner…of the worst of the worst…Cremosa. Thanks a lot Dave…I will send you the hospital bills.

[Katmancross]

Not true Phillip, I wrote this review on CS in 2005:

Whats CS?
Well, I got it. Very well written. But extremely negative. And you weren't working under the constraints I am.
I have to write without gore(Mongo, the exception), nothing that could offend anyone, no mention of undergarments or hookers or exchanging spit, etc.
And stores don't want me to write negative at your level. If they have a cigar that I've been given the go ahead to write that it ain't so good, I still have to be careful because they want to empty their bins of those cigars.
I have to walk a tight rope that you didn't. Don't get me wrong, I liked it. It's just that I can't write the way you do. A barrage of excremental words.
Have you written anything positive that's funny? And kept it politically correct?
My review with bin Laden in it didn't get published because the bosses considered it Muslim bashing. I can't use the word hooker or anything remote to that. I can't use sexual innuendo.
I'm not saying that anybody can do what you do, because they can't. It's hard to write.
I'd love to read another review that falls into the same parameters I'm forced to balance.
Bottom line: What you wrote is very funny. But not a single customer of mine would allow it. So it's just an exercise at that point. It's what you can get published that counts.

[Katmancross]

How about if everyone does me a favor? Go to my personal blog and read the non cigar stories. They are based on true stories of me growing up in the 1950's and 1960's. Except that my family was all Jewish Mafia on my mother's side. Her maiden name was Siegel, as in Bugsy.
I remember that after we moved to California in 1955, the family from NY, Chicago, and Cleveland all came following and set up shop.
The men dressed sharply and always wore see through black socks. And I never knew what they did for a living until I was a teenager.
Start with any chapter for a taste. It's pretty gruesome.
www.katmancross.com

[weak_link]

How do I put this politely?

"You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
;)
Posted via Mobile Device

Hey!!!! Don't go dragging me into this!!!

[Katmancross]

Hey!!!! Don't go dragging me into this!!!

Eric,

He meant "weak stick."
You're OK

[Katmancross]

Not true Phillip, I wrote this review on CS in 2005:

This is exceptionally funny. I really like it. Lots of great adjectives.

[bazookajoe]

Whats CS?
Well, I got it. Very well written. But extremely negative. And you weren't working under the constraints I am.
I have to write without gore(Mongo, the exception), nothing that could offend anyone, no mention of undergarments or hookers or exchanging spit, etc.
And stores don't want me to write negative at your level. If they have a cigar that I've been given the go ahead to write that it ain't so good, I still have to be careful because they want to empty their bins of those cigars.
I have to walk a tight rope that you didn't. Don't get me wrong, I liked it. It's just that I can't write the way you do. A barrage of excremental words.
Have you written anything positive that's funny? And kept it politically correct?
My review with bin Laden in it didn't get published because the bosses considered it Muslim bashing. I can't use the word hooker or anything remote to that. I can't use sexual innuendo.
I'm not saying that anybody can do what you do, because they can't. It's hard to write.
I'd love to read another review that falls into the same parameters I'm forced to balance.
Bottom line: What you wrote is very funny. But not a single customer of mine would allow it. So it's just an exercise at that point. It's what you can get published that counts.

I don't get it. You're bothered that some people don't care for your review style and repeatedly say how unique and sought after it is. Tom merely mentions that the style of story/hyperbole is not new, posts an example and you critique it in a not altogether pleasant way IMO. You seem to take things personally that aren't intended that way.

Here is a review written by SeanGAR years ago along the lines of what (I think) Tom was trying to show you, and one of the funniest reviews I've ever read (btw, I'm not saying this review meets all the guidelines you contend with, just pointing out as Tom did that you're not "doing something no one else is doing" since you're making a point of it):

"A walk on the wild side.....

Wednesday I faced something nobody wants to face: a 10 hour drive and only 2 small cigars (SCDH El Principe and a Gran Habano No. 5 Rothschild). I buckled down, got a crappy coffee and started my drive. A waited a full 5 minutes before breaking into the Gran Habano. Nice little cigar. 45 minutes later I started the SCDH. I know, I amazed myself at my restraint too. 85 minutes into the drive I was cigar-less. I knew I could hold out, I mean really, I don't smoke at all while I'm asleep, and that is usually 7 hours, so I can make 7 hours more driving, right?

It was somewhere in Tennessee that I broke down. I drive like this: stop only for gas when at 1/8 tank, pee, coffee, off I go. Well, there I was in central Tennessee, getting my coffee, when I spied them. Oh no, nothing as civilized as backwoods, the best looking cigar there was Swisher Sweets cigarillos Tips .... $2.05 plus tax later a 5 pak was mine.

I admired the wrapper while accelerating to 85 ... beautiful textured brown paper, just like the stuff the butchers used in the old days. I lovingly removed the cello, clear as a bell, I think these cigars have aged for at least 2 weeks. I looked at the plastic tip. Hmmmm......looks like some part of a tampon or something. Quite feminine really.....not something I expect construction workers or firemen would get into. But I was cruising and I figured, hell, why not.

I pulled over, carefully avoiding the 18 wheeleres whizzing by as I made my way to the trunk. I knew it was in there someplace......I always have some.....ah, there it was in the back, I pulled it out and got back in the driver seat. Just then I heard "take a walk on the wild side" on the radio. I took the duct that that had removed from the trunk, unwrapped 8 inches, and taped it to my chest. I did it again. I grabbed the end and ripped my hairs out. I did my chest. I used the tweezers from my Swiss army knife to pluck my eyebrows. I used M&Ms to color my lips red.

I was ready.

Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side


I took a draw on the Swisher. Sweet taste of artificial flavors .... a hint of 7 year of madagascar vanilla and bubble gum asailed my senses. I lit it up.

For a second....a nanosecond really, I almost got the impression that there might actually be tobacco in the Swisher. Fleetingly brief as it was, I was not prepared for the tastes that I found in the Swisher. After half an inch I had had enough. Lynyrd Skynyrd was back on the radio, I wiped the red coloring from my lips, and I farted. The Swisher went out the window just as I saw a coal-fired power plant. The other cigars went into the garbage at my next fill up.

Visuals: Injection molded plastic tip reminiscent of tampon. Well done paper wrapper, slight texturing. To call this short filler would be an understatement. Microfiller?

Pre-light taste: Bubble gum and other fake flavors.

Initial smoke impressions: Crap, I should have bought Marlboros. I smoked it almost an inch before disgust got the best of me.

Lesson learned: Don't drive anywhere without adequate smokes."

[Katmancross]

I don't get it. You're bothered that some people don't care for your review style and repeatedly say how unique and sought after it is. Tom merely mentions that the style of story/hyperbole is not new, posts an example and you critique it in a not altogether pleasant way IMO. You seem to take things personally that aren't intended that way.

Here is a review written by SeanGAR years ago along the lines of what (I think) Tom was trying to show you, and one of the funniest reviews I've ever read (btw, I'm not saying this review meets all the guidelines you contend with, just pointing out as Tom did that you're not "doing something no one else is doing" since you're making a point of it):

"A walk on the wild side.....

Wednesday I faced something nobody wants to face: a 10 hour drive and only 2 small cigars (SCDH El Principe and a Gran Habano No. 5 Rothschild). I buckled down, got a crappy coffee and started my drive. A waited a full 5 minutes before breaking into the Gran Habano. Nice little cigar. 45 minutes later I started the SCDH. I know, I amazed myself at my restraint too. 85 minutes into the drive I was cigar-less. I knew I could hold out, I mean really, I don't smoke at all while I'm asleep, and that is usually 7 hours, so I can make 7 hours more driving, right?

It was somewhere in Tennessee that I broke down. I drive like this: stop only for gas when at 1/8 tank, pee, coffee, off I go. Well, there I was in central Tennessee, getting my coffee, when I spied them. Oh no, nothing as civilized as backwoods, the best looking cigar there was Swisher Sweets cigarillos Tips .... $2.05 plus tax later a 5 pak was mine.

I admired the wrapper while accelerating to 85 ... beautiful textured brown paper, just like the stuff the butchers used in the old days. I lovingly removed the cello, clear as a bell, I think these cigars have aged for at least 2 weeks. I looked at the plastic tip. Hmmmm......looks like some part of a tampon or something. Quite feminine really.....not something I expect construction workers or firemen would get into. But I was cruising and I figured, hell, why not.

I pulled over, carefully avoiding the 18 wheeleres whizzing by as I made my way to the trunk. I knew it was in there someplace......I always have some.....ah, there it was in the back, I pulled it out and got back in the driver seat. Just then I heard "take a walk on the wild side" on the radio. I took the duct that that had removed from the trunk, unwrapped 8 inches, and taped it to my chest. I did it again. I grabbed the end and ripped my hairs out. I did my chest. I used the tweezers from my Swiss army knife to pluck my eyebrows. I used M&Ms to color my lips red.

I was ready.

Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side


I took a draw on the Swisher. Sweet taste of artificial flavors .... a hint of 7 year of madagascar vanilla and bubble gum asailed my senses. I lit it up.

For a second....a nanosecond really, I almost got the impression that there might actually be tobacco in the Swisher. Fleetingly brief as it was, I was not prepared for the tastes that I found in the Swisher. After half an inch I had had enough. Lynyrd Skynyrd was back on the radio, I wiped the red coloring from my lips, and I farted. The Swisher went out the window just as I saw a coal-fired power plant. The other cigars went into the garbage at my next fill up.

Visuals: Injection molded plastic tip reminiscent of tampon. Well done paper wrapper, slight texturing. To call this short filler would be an understatement. Microfiller?

Pre-light taste: Bubble gum and other fake flavors.

Initial smoke impressions: Crap, I should have bought Marlboros. I smoked it almost an inch before disgust got the best of me.

Lesson learned: Don't drive anywhere without adequate smokes."


Very well written.
I'm not saying it correctly, I guess.
It's sort of the right place right time thing going on.
I'm getting dozens of offers to do what I do..for publication in something other than forums.
Where was this published?

[Katmancross]

Interesting. I posted a couple of stories on another forum and everyone likes them. Just goes to show you, we have different points of view.

[Kreth]

I'm getting dozens of offers to do what I do..
A few more posts and we'll be into triple digits... :rolleyes:
Posted via Mobile Device

[BC-Axeman]

I thought the story was o.k. but as a review it was hard to tell what you were saying about the cigar and I didn't want to read it twice.

[MajorCaptSilly]

I've received no less than 136 offers to shut up, 85 offers to never type again, and Tom asked me to pick up a pen he dropped......slowly.


MCS

[bazookajoe]

Very well written.
I'm not saying it correctly, I guess.
It's sort of the right place right time thing going on.
I'm getting dozens of offers to do what I do..for publication in something other than forums.
Where was this published?

I don't know that it was published anywhere—I read it on CS, a forum that in a way led to the creation of this Asylum.

This is a friendly bunch and we're all adults here. Comments made about reviews or any posts really are opinions and not meant to be taken personally. I'm sure everyone hopes you are successful and make a nice living at what you do, but your style is not for everyone. There's no need to defend yourself if they say so—the forum is of no use to anyone if members aren't entitled to express their opinions (as long as they conform to forum rules about courtesy, etc.).

[Katmancross]

I don't know that it was published anywhere—I read it on CS, a forum that in a way led to the creation of this Asylum.

This is a friendly bunch and we're all adults here. Comments made about reviews or any posts really are opinions and not meant to be taken personally. I'm sure everyone hopes you are successful and make a nice living at what you do, but your style is not for everyone. There's no need to defend yourself if they say so—the forum is of no use to anyone if members aren't entitled to express their opinions (as long as they conform to forum rules about courtesy, etc.).

I take all creative criticism seriously. "You suck." not so much.
The ones that tell me they get confused and aren't sure what they cigar is about is a valid criticism. I've taken that to heart.
I agree with everything you say. Unfortunately, I dug a deep hole and I'm dragging everyone in with me.

[Whipper Snapper]

There are actually a few people who don't understand/appreciate my sense of humor. I know it seems ludicrous but it's true. You have to understand that if you put it out there, you may not get the results you wanted. Move on and be happy. It's just words on a screen.


MCS

So, what do you guys think of this?
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v146/tecnorobo/xmas010.jpg

[Katmancross]

So, what do you guys think of this?
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v146/tecnorobo/xmas010.jpg

Oh God!
I have to find a hot poker for my eyes.

[ckay]

I don't get it. . . .

[pnoon]

As I've said before, criticize the reviews if you must but insults and malicious comments about the person are not allowed.

I think we're done here.