Good News....Bad News....Dilemma

[bvilchez]

Good news first...

My wife and I found out today that our new addition headed to the family in October is going to be a girl!!! We're excited and can't wait for her arrival. We have a 1 1/2 year old boy, AJ, who will be her bodyguard as she gets older so I need to start taking him to the range with me.

Bad news.....

For those that don't know I'm an Active Duty Marine. I know without a doubt in my mind that I'm going to deploy. Well today I find out that it might be sooner than later. Looks like a tasker came down for the end of October to deploy for a year....and you guessed it, my name was thrown in the hat and has a high probability of getting picked. More like a 99% chance.

A little history though. I missed the birth of my first child by a month when I was in Iraq last time and came to hold him for the first time at 6 months of age. It destroyed me inside missing the first 6 months of his life and not being there for my wife when I knew she needed me. I felt like I left my family abandoned in a time of need. I missed his first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's as a family. My wife is very caring and understanding but I know deep down she wishes I was there to help her....and I wished I was there as well.

Now our little girl is due Oct 3. As stated earlier this deployment is scheduled to go sometime after her birth so at least I'll be here for that. But an entire year?!?!?! I can not bear the idea of doing that to my wife and kids....especially my wife! Sure the kids will be young and not affect them AS MUCH (my son will be a little over 2 at that point, he'll remember something). But leaving my wife to deal with 2 kids, a newborn and a toddler, for an entire year. Not only to miss my little girl's 1st Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's as a family again, her 1st steps, and all the other holidays and anniversaries.

Dilemma.....

Only positive thing is that I can take my name out of the hat for now. But that leaves me in the running for later on down the road though.

So my questions to you all are as follows:

1. Do I take my name out of the hat now and stay with my family this year? It leaves me open for upcoming deployments down the line when the kids will be older but then they'll remember Daddy leaving.

2. Do I go and deploy having my wife to fend for herself for the year with the kids and the house? If I do this I will not have go anywhere for about 2-3 year when I return.

Sorry it was a long post but hopefully you all can see my headache in this situation.

/rant off
Posted via Mobile Device

[cort]

Wow Jay, that's a tough one bro. I guess it's one of those comes with the territory things and you're damned if you do damned if you don't. I wish you the best on your decision and if you wanna smoke a few while you are contemplating hit me up and we'll make it happen.

FWIW I would choose go now. Although it would be very difficult.

[Mugen910]

Can't help with advice brother but know we appreciate what you are doing. The Corps will always break your heart in one way or another as a MGuns once told me. You're a Gunny so I'm assuming you got about 5-7 years left before retirement? Maybe you should keep that in mind. It will be here sooner than you know it. Yes, you only get one chance to raise your kids right but luckily it's over a span of many years. It's what you choose to do in/with those years that count the most. Either choice you make brother I wish you the best with it.

Congrats on the little girl!

S/F
Bao

[hotreds]

First off congratulations, and thank-you for your continuing service. Your post is proof positive that military families deserve high plaudits for what they need to endure- especially those with young children. They sacrifice greatly, too!

In all honesty, I think I'd go with the hand dealt me. It's going to be brutal no matter when it happens, might as well be sooner rather than later. Not an easy choice, I know!

Finally, know that you and your family are in my prayers, may God keep you safe, and may He watch over your family while you are so far away!

[wolfandwhisky]

First - that was a long post from a mobile device. Your thumbs must be bleeding.

Second - I agree with the sentiment posted; either way it is going to be tough. My choice would probably be to go now, get it done with and be back as their intellectual and emotional development is really in full gear (especially your new daughter's). It will be hard on your wife either way, I'm sure.

Best of luck with it all! And definitely congratulations! Hope everything goes smoothly for your wife and recovery is quick!

[forgop]

I thought Obama said all of these troops would be coming home, so why the need for deployments this late?

[Ranger_B]

Gunny
Damned if you do damned if you don't. My the Lord help you and your family as you go through this decision. Have you talked with your wife at all. Might be one of those times where she gets a say. Never a conversation you want to burden Mom with but this might be one of those times where you both get to pick the flavor of your poison. If it was me I think I would lean towards going when I had first said I would and then enjoy the short time you have before you go and then you have something great to look forward to. If you go early your oldest will be older and your youngest will be older come time for your next trip. The other side of the coin is if you stay and wait on the next spin/tasker your wife then has two toddlers running around to keep up with. Either way my friend never a easy choice and my prayers are with you. Hope it helps.

[yourchoice]

Wow, that's a tough one Jay. I know with our kids the first three months were the toughest on my wife and I, then got quite a bit easier. So if you said you would deploy in January or later I'd definitely say go sooner.

But honestly, I think I'd still say to go sooner. Kids are a ton of fun all the years they're growing up (most days anyway ;)) but being with them when their minds are developing and when they need positive adult influence when toddlers is important, IMHO.

Either way, make the decision with your wife as it's a family decision first and foremost.

Thank you sooooo much for all of the sacrifices you and all of your fellow service men and women do for our country. :usa

You'll be in my prayers asking to help guide you and your wife with your decision.

[RevSmoke]

Ouch, not an easy choice.

Just my personal take? Are they going to remember the first year, or even the first couple years? Not really! Will you, yeah.

With me, my wife fed naturally. I was about as useless as mammoric organs on a male bovine - literally!

As they get older, that they'll remember. 2 or 3 year later to deploy? I don't know.

See what happens, and if you go now, you'll be back in a year for the growing up.

Will keep you in my prayers.

Peace of the Lord be with you.

[gettysburgfreak]

Thank you sir for your service to this country. I really don't have any experience with something like this being young and single but if it were me I would take my name out of the hat now. If I had already missed a lot of one child's firsts and had an opportunity to stay home and witness a second child's first I would with out a doubt welcome that opportunity. Who knows, in 1-2 years they might not be doing deployments any more and you might not have to go. Good luck with whatever decision you make and stay safe.

[SSDVC]

My humble advice would be to get it over with. At least when your kids are older they will be able to know your there at home with them. I spent many years away from home and family and it is never easy. At least now they have video conferencing and cell phones. Hell, my oldest son was in the mountains of Afganistan recently and he was calling me every day (and twice a fire fight broke out!). Use the available technology and the world and distance will seem smaller.

Make no mistake, it will be tough on your wife, it always is. Hopefully she has a good support group of friends and family around.

Talk to your wife and make a joint decision. You'll be better off for that.

Thankyou for your service Grunt, be safe !

[ashtonlady]

Congratulations on the new baby.

2nd part- been there done that. I was the wife that my husband went out 2 months after our first was born, then we had a move to another duty station and 2 months after that he was gone again for 7 months after my son was born. To add into that I was in the reserves and got acivated. They keep me state side but still.

My advice is to talk to your wife, see what she wants. And Even though you will be missing a lot of firsts. Your kids wont know the diffrenct right now. Later they will.

My husband got out at the end of his term of duty because he wanted to see his kids grow up.

Thank you for your service.

[SSDVC]

Gettysburgfreak, We will always be doing deployments, we always have. And for those who don't know, they are all dangerous, in peace and in war. The sacrifice will always be great, the choices always tough. It is what separates the men from the boys.

Not a slam, just a fact.

[Blueface]

First off congratulations, and thank-you for your continuing service. Your post is proof positive that military families deserve high plaudits for what they need to endure- especially those with young children. They sacrifice greatly, too!

In all honesty, I think I'd go with the hand dealt me. It's going to be brutal no matter when it happens, might as well be sooner rather than later. Not an easy choice, I know!

Finally, know that you and your family are in my prayers, may God keep you safe, and may He watch over your family while you are so far away!

What Hugh said so very well.
Except, I would consider the option of postponing it for one simple reason and that is your wife.
She will need you at this time unless she has family to support her.
It is always such a great thing to be around to give her a break in between and help her out with the baby chores.
That said, it looks like either way, you are bound to miss something at some point. Getting it over sooner than later as Hugh suggests may be the way to go.

Either way, good luck with your decision and may God protect you and have you return home safe.

[CigarNut]

Congrats on the new baby! I think you have received a lot of good advice here, and there are pros and cons to both choices.

I would offer up that if your wife can spare you now then I would go now. Kids are nice and cute and cuddly when they are born, and it is important to bond with them as soon as you can. But, when they start walking and talking is really when they need you more -- that is the time that their values and personalities can be shaped by the parents and that is when you need to be there for your children.

Best of luck to you and thank you ever so much for your service!

[leasingthisspace]

My last deployment was when my daughter was almost 2 months old. My wife didn't want to stay in VA where my family couldn't help her so she went to Cali where her family could. It made all the difference for her. Is there anyway someone in the family could come and stay for a couple of weeks if you leave right away?
As others have said damned if you do damned if you don't. If you step out of this deployment who is to say you won't get tasked with another for the following month? If that happens then what did you really save by not going on this one.
I can't tell you what to do, but I would say this is a case where I would have to say listen to your wife and what she wants.
I know the hardship in front of you. I will keep you in my prayers for a great outcome. If you need to talk to me somemore about it I am just a PM away.

[G G]

Thanks for your service and the great sacrifices you and your family have made for me as an American, you are an American Hero in my book. I tend to agree with the get it over with advice. I have never had to choose such a difficult thing though, so i don't really have the qualifications to advise you. It's a tough one either way, and i would def talk to your wife (a lot) on this one.

[bvilchez]

First I would like to thank everyone for their input on this. I truly appreciate you taking the time out to help me clear my head.

My wife and I have been discussing it for a while now actually just in case the moment comes.....and it's here. She's very supportive. She tells me that she would prefer that I would stay of course. But that her being former military as well she understands the needs of deployments. She also states that she knows times will be rough sometimes with things of this nature and that she knew what she was getting into when she married a Marine.

Again I appreciate everyone's take on this. I for one just want to get it over with and come home and see them grow up. I guess only time will tell.

I need to smoke something good tonite when I get home to ease my mind and clear my thoughts some more.
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[Darrell]

Stay home, Jay. Sandra will need the extra help and support.

[icehog3]

Jay, I have no advice, but wanted to wish you and your family all the best whatever you choose. Thank you for your service.