hotreds
05-15-2010, 04:58 PM
1... A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off
her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf
female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
3... One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband
had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard
her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
4... During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every
six hours and now I'm running out of places to
put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes , the man had over
fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
5... While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
6... I was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob
produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
7... A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered...
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair
had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo
that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote
a short note on the patient's dressing, which said
'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
8... As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing
this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said. . .' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks
from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '
9. Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
examining room, waiting for the doctor to
come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very
professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't
have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off
her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf
female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
3... One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband
had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard
her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
4... During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every
six hours and now I'm running out of places to
put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes , the man had over
fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
5... While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
6... I was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob
produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
7... A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered...
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair
had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo
that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote
a short note on the patient's dressing, which said
'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
8... As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing
this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said. . .' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks
from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '
9. Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
examining room, waiting for the doctor to
come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very
professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't
have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.