Random Advice Thread

[SvilleKid]

We've all heard the advice of the great thinkers. Old Saws like "a penny saved is a penny earned" and "A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush".

Now it's time for us everyday thinkers to expand the wisdom of the common man.

I'll start with:

Always smell the milk in the jug before you drink from it.

(This should be self exclamatory to anyone who has ever turned the jug up and ended up with a mouth full of yuck!)

[chippewastud79]

Always proof read your posts and TITLES before hitting submit. :tu

[gettysburgfreak]

Don't zip up too fast or you might not like the results

[elderboy02]

Stay in school, and be a thinker, not a stinker

[poker]

Treat others the way you wish to be treated.

Tis always better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it.

[cricky101]

The early bird gets the worm (but the second mouse gets the cheese)

[Scottw]

Don't drink turpentine and piss on brush fire!

[chippewastud79]

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should :tu

[Waynegro1]

It's easier to get forgiveness than permission. This is what I tell myself every time i make a cigar purchase. I know you know what I'm talking about. :D

[Scottw]

never mow another man's lawn!

[Swampper]

Heard this one the other day from an older co-worker. It was new to me.

"If it flies, floats, or fornicates; rent it."

And then there is the 7 Ps.
Surely someone in the Asylum here knows that one... :ss

[wigg]

Never stick your fingers where you wouldn't stick your face.......

Think about it... its good advice....


Mark

[Joan]

Random Joan advice:

- Watch where you put down that hot heat gun; it CAN ignite the oily rag between your feet you just used to catch some dripping gear oil.

- Let your girl drive the boat sometimes.

- 50cal ammo cans make GREAT Barbie Doll play houses! :r

- Life is too short for regrets, complaining, or bad cigars. :chr:

[icehog3]

http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/icehog3/bill.jpg
Be Excellent to Each Other!

[livwire68]

Never squat with spurs on or pee on the electric fence.

[dunng]

Don't eat the yellow snow... :ss

[Joan]

http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/icehog3/bill.jpg
Be Excellent to Each Other!


MOST excellent! :tu

[big kiss gif]

:)

[ahc4353]

If you can't pi$$ off your back porch you're living in the wrong neighborhood.

[Clampdown]

Listen to your parents, they actually know something.

[St. Lou Stu]

Always proof read your posts and TITLES before hitting submit. :tu

Dude, I peed a little!

Which brings me to....

Always wear clean underwear.

[livwire68]

Dude, I peed a little!

Which brings me to....

Always wear clean underwear.

Or Depends:ss

[theycallmedan'lboone]

when in doubt empty the mag

If it's raining and you've got an umbrella (rain coat) find some chick who needs an umbrella, and ask if you can share the cab ... In my former days as a life taker and a heart breaker... worked EVERY TIME.

It's better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.

[jjirons69]

Life's too short to worry about how short life is.

[chippewastud79]

Measure twice, cut once. Otherwise you need a board stretcher. :hm

[spectrrr]

two words: SMOKE OFTEN

[taltos]

Don't fry bacon with your shirt off.
Don't tease the cat when not wearing pants.

[GKitty]

Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

So says my dear old Dad.

[CBI_2]

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Use your head for something other than a hat rack.

Better to burp it and taste it rather than ... ohhh never mind. :D

[cricky101]

Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

So says my dear old Dad.

Brilliant! :tu

[markem]

Don't way in private what you wouldn't say in public

[Steve]

You can't please everyone, so you might as well decide who you're gonna piss off and have fun doing it!

(My motto for dealing with unrealistic project managers)

[Steve]

My dad always told me to "want" in one hand and "poop" in the other and see which one filled up first.

Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

So says my dear old Dad.

[CHRONO14]

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort" - Herm Albright

Thought that was a great quote I saw a few years back.

[funnymantrip]

Never go in the woods without enough gun to kill anything you will come across.

No Fat Chicks

If you are going to fail.. Might as well go down inverted, spinning, with your hair on fire. (as per my college roommate)

[SvilleKid]

Life's experience:

You will ALWAYS need the useless piece of junk from the workshop that you discarded the day before the last trash pick-up.

Duct Tape, Bailing wire and WD-40. If these don't fix it, time for a cigar.

[macms]

Life. The only teacher that kills all of it's students.

[ThePict]

Unless you're the lead dog the view is always the same.

[Starscream]

Be nice to restaraunt workers. You never know what they may do to your food in the kitchen.

[SIMPLIFIED]

When it comes to dating, do not fight out of your weight class. :tu

Appreciate what you have as it can change in a minute :mad:

[replicant_argent]

Heard this one the other day from an older co-worker. It was new to me.

"If it flies, floats, or fornicates; rent it."

And then there is the 7 Ps.
Surely someone in the Asylum here knows that one... :ss

and for those that don't


PROPER PLANNING PREVENTS PISS POOR PERFORMANCE

Wait, that is 6... I must have missed one....

[KidRock]

No one dies a virign, life screws us all------very old school criminal justice professor.

[DrDubzz]

if you're a guest in someone's home, courtesy flush, truuuust me

[kgraybill]

Ya got to kill it before ya can grill it.

[schnell987]

It's good to have goals.

or

Be a doer, not a viewer (my Grandmother always said that).


Never put ANYTHING in writing that you wouldn't want someone else to see.

[ChicagoWhiteSox]

http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/icehog3/bill.jpg
Be Excellent to Each Other!

Bill, my friend.
Yes? Ted, my friend.
This has been a most excellent adventure.

Haha stupid but funny movie

[icehog3]

A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

[leasingthisspace]

A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.


I say it all the time but nobody listens.

[stirwood]

Don't pee upwind.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

and something about trusting your first instinct.

[ahc4353]

Aim small miss small.

[Skywalker]

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care!!!:tu

[Clampdown]

No matter in life, the worst someone can say is no. My dad always instilled that in my life when struggling whether or not I wanted to apply to a certain college, ask a certain girl out etc, whats the worst that can happen, so you might as well give it a shot.

[rhdad42]

Respect My Authoritah!

[MajorCaptSilly]

Don't join a forum and tell everyone that you like cake.

MCS

[Lucky_Hippo]

Never rub another man's rhubarb!



Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden

[Steve]

Another bit of wisdom that I recieved this past year while stressing over a work project from hell:

"What's the worst they can do to you? THEY (work) can't kill you or take your family from you, but if you keep on stresssing, YOU can do both."

[D_A]

I'm not sure who coined this phrase(Confucius maybe?), but I always liked it:

Smoke what you like, like what you smoke.

[shvictor]

A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

I need to anonymously post this on my boss's office wall..

[GKitty]

A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

This one's going up in my cube... right now! :D

And my current favorite coffemug:

Those who say it cannot be done shouldn't interrupt the people doing it.

[Gophernut]

Those that think they can, and those who think they can't, are both right.

[Wolfgang]

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot

The people who know everything, can't do everything

We dont plan to fail, we fail to plan

[St. Lou Stu]

Never tell the new chic in HR she has a nice rack.
Even if it is true.
Trust me.
I know.

[gettysburgfreak]

and for those that don't


PROPER PLANNING PREVENTS PISS POOR PERFORMANCE

Wait, that is 6... I must have missed one....


My poli sci teacher in college said it was the 5 P's

Prior Preparation Prevents Poor Performance

[gettysburgfreak]

Everything is negotiable- My dad drilled that one in my head.

[kaisersozei]

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music. (George Carlin)

And the wife doesn't like it, but my idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. :D

[GKitty]

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.


OMG... this is brilliant... I may have to put it on a T-Shirt and give it to a couple of people.

[smokeyscotch]

Receive any cigar happily. It may be all the person can do at the time.

Call your parents, even if you don't want to. Someday you'll want to, and remember you can't.

[:eevis]

When a child, never sniff a magnet just to see what it smells like. Don't ask :lv

My Grandfather used to say "Do you know where sympathy falls in the dictionary, between $h*# and syphills, and I got none of 'em for ya"

And mom's wisdom, "A failure to plan on your part doesn't make it a crisis for me"

[Steve]

Sage wisdom right there!


Call your parents, even if you don't want to. Someday you'll want to, and remember you can't.

[icehog3]

A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.



And mom's wisdom, "A failure to plan on your part doesn't make it a crisis for me"

Moms know stuff. :)


It is easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

Don't pizz down my back and tell me it's raining.

[pnoon]

The glass is ALWAYS half full.

[pnoon]

Think of the guy of average intelligence. Then realize that half the people in the world are stupider than that guy.
-George Carlin

[markem]

The glass is ALWAYS half full.

It's not so much half full or half empty as it is the wrong size glass

[ahc4353]

........

Call your parents, even if you don't want to. Someday you'll want to, and remember you can't.

That is awesome Tim.


Here's one. My young son sends a text to his older brother that says "say something profound I need a Sr. quote". Reply, "If it's everywhere it's not herpes".

You gotta love older brothers. :D

[Gophernut]

Always do sober, what you said you were going to do when you were drunk!

[Cigarmark]

One man gathers, what another man spills.

Sometimes the cards ain't worth a dime, if you don't lay 'em down.

[NCRadioMan]

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can never pick your friends nose.

[icehog3]

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

[lenguamor]

Don't s*** where you eat.

[lenguamor]

Don’t puke on my tortilla chips and tell me it’s salsa.

[CeeGar]

It's better to look stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. :D

[MajorCaptSilly]

Children shouldn't play with dead things.

MCS

[kgraybill]

Dont tug on supermans cape,
Dont spit in the wind,
Dont pull the mask off ole lone ranger...



Hind site is 20/20 but you might bump into something when using it.

[CBI_2]

A truth I remember from my grandmother: "Show me your friends and I'll tell you what kind of person you are."

[CBI_2]

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.



Man who eats prunes, gets good run for money.

[jaycarla]

A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

Would you mind having a seminar on this with my 16 year old daughter?


My addition:

If it smells funny don't eat it.

[Old Sailor]

Don't try this at Home...we're all trained professionals!

[CBI_2]

Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

[Mugen910]

Never stay in bed unless you get paid well for it.

[Tikihut27]

"Don't look into car headlights and freeze, because you will either get run over or shot." -Bill Watterson as Hobbes

[WyoBob]

"Bought right is half-sold". Old cattle buyer's saying.

WyoBob

[opus]

Surprised I havn't seen this one yet:

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.



Walk softly and carry a big stick.



A friend in need is a friend in deed. Or as we used to say in the summer of love (1967 for you puppies) "A friend with weed is a friend in deed".



Don't bite the hand that feeds you.



One man's ceiling is another man's floor.



The older I get, the smarter my dad becomes. He is the smartest man I know. Virtually eveything he ever told me turned out to be true.

[renton20]

The older I get, the smarter my dad becomes. He is the smartest man I know. Virtually eveything he ever told me turned out to be true.

On that note,

When I was sixteen, my father was the most ignorant man in the world. By the time I reached 21, I was surprised at how much he had learned in five years
-Mark Twain

[Steve]

That's amazing, I have had the exact same experience!

On that note,

When I was sixteen, my father was the most ignorant man in the world. By the time I reached 21, I was surprised at how much he had learned in five years
-Mark Twain

[SvilleKid]

Government that can give you everything can take it all away.

Murphy was an optimist!!!

Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. (know this one by personal experience)

[ca21455]

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming in terror like his passengers."

[SmokinAFuente]

Here is something my Great Grandmother told my little brother when he got in trouble for stuff his "friends" would do.

If you run with the wolves you howl with the wolves.

[CBI_2]

Your actions are speaking so loudly I can't hear what your saying.

Beauty is only skin-deep but ugly goes to the bone.

Failure teaches success as long as you are willing to learn from it and don't stop trying.

Ignorance can be corrected but stupidity is permanent.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

[Squid]

Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill in the same night! :sleep:

[ucla695]

:r :r :r

Insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
- Ben Franklin

[av8tor152d]

Taking off is optional, Landing is mandatory.

[BrIG]

Man with hand in pocket always feels cocky.

[rack04]

Go to bed with itchy butt. Wake up with stinky finger.

[kgraybill]

Never do beer bongs blindfolded!

[SvilleKid]

Taking off is optional, Landing is mandatory.

Like that one. Should be followed closely by:

It's not the fall that gets you, it's that sudden stop at the end.

[theycallmedan'lboone]

"You've heard of not gettng into a land war in Asia", as well as "do not go in with a Sicilian when death is on the line". My friend, never EVER bet AGAINST Liverpool in Europe.

[cbsmokin]

Just ask for help when you need it.

Don't throw full lighters into fires.

[BigBruce]

He who hesitates masterbates

Go ugly early

If you are gonna crash (helicopter) put the cyclic up your ass. Makes it more interesting for crash investigation.

[pnoon]

"You've heard of not gettng into a land war in Asia", as well as "do not go in with a Sicilian when death is on the line". My friend, never EVER bet AGAINST Liverpool in Europe.

Amen, brother. :)

[theycallmedan'lboone]

He who hesitates masterbates

Go ugly early

If you are gonna crash (helicopter) put the cyclic up your ass. Makes it more interesting for crash investigation.

:lv:lv:r

[Tikihut27]

:lv:lv:r

Combat stress. Pay him no nevermind. :D

[Swampper]

My poli sci teacher in college said it was the 5 P's

Prior Preparation Prevents Poor Performance

7Ps: PROPER PRIOR PLANNING PREVENTS PISS POOR PERFORMANCE

[Steve]

Live in the present, forgive your past.

[Neuromancer]

Here's the three most important things for a great life:

#1: Respect for all living things.

#2: A healthy bowel movement on a regular basis.

#3: A navy blue blazer.

And, oh, yes, don't take your eye off the ball!

PS - Plagiarized from The Fisher King...:ss

[Steve]

#2 is #1



#2: A healthy bowel movement on a regular basis.

[smokeyscotch]

Gotta revive this thread.

He that has chili dog for lunch should not burp in paint mask.

Don't ask. :pu

[icehog3]

Don't pull your love out on me, baby, If you do then I think that maybe I'll just lay me down and cry for a hundred years.

[Sauer Grapes]

Don't fry bacon with your shirt off.
Don't tease the cat when not wearing pants.

Or... don't fry bacon without pants on. ouch.

[:eevis]

"Don't cross the beams"- Egon Spengler

[Rockestone]

Measure Twice. Cut Once.

Orgnaization is the key to success.

Sometimes you need to slow down in order to speed up.

Keep it simple, stupid!

[av8tor152d]

Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.

[ahc4353]

When I had a desion to make my dad would always say, "Do what you think is best".

Now I get to say that to my sons!!!

[Starscream]

When your kids are home, always lock the bedroom door before having sex. You don't want them accidentally walking in. :o




Lucy, you have a lot of 'splainin' to do!:D

[petewho]

Look where you want to go - for things like skiing, mountain biking, driving, etc. If you're looking at the big rock or tree you DON'T want to hit, you'll hit it. So just look where you want to go.

[shilala]

Ignorance can be fixed. Stupidity is forever.

The quality of a man's life is in direct proportion to his commitment to excellence.
-Vince Lombardi

If you would make a man happy, add not to his wants, but subtract from the sum of his desires." - Seneca (4 B.C.E.-65 A.C.E.)

[piperman]

Just because it comes in your size does not mean buy it.

[Mugen910]

needing and wanting are two different things...Do you need that or do you just want it? :D

[theycallmedan'lboone]

"Be sure you're right, then go ahead"

"You may all go to hell. Me? I'm going to Texas"

[replicant_argent]

Try to refrain from posting during/while/after chugging cold meds all day.

[Secret Santa]

A bird in the bush is worth two in the hand........

[SvilleKid]

I'd rather be judged by twelve than to be carried by six.

[Joan]

* * Look in ALL your purses for that misplaced Palio before ordering a new one. * *

Even that fugly purse your Mom gave you from her old lady purse party circuit.

Because THAT'S what you hauled your cigars n stuff in when you went to dinner at Mom's last weekend, ya goofball! GOOFBALL!

[fugly cigar purse gif here] :r

[icehog3]

I'd rather be judged by twelve than to be carried by six.

One of my all time favorites, Cliff. :)

[Bruzee]

"Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."

[theycallmedan'lboone]

when in doubt, empty the mag.

[theycallmedan'lboone]

Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.

I always hated that one... slow is slow. but I guess if you mean slow is smooth, smooth eventually makes you fast....

[Starscream]

If you're going to cheat, don't copy the dumb person's paper. Copy answers from the smart person.

[kjd2121]

Why do today what you can put off til tomorrow!

[csbrewfisher]

Want in one hand, and sh*t in the other, and see which one fills up first.

[shilala]

I can't believe I forgot this one...
"If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

[Studebaker]

Life is like a s**t sandwich.

The more bread you have, the less s**t you have to eat.

[Rockestone]

Life is like a s**t sandwich.

The more bread you have, the less s**t you have to eat.

:r Ain't that the truth! :r

[nozero]

Knowledge speaks, but Wisdom listens.
-- Jimi Hendrix

Learn from the mistakes of others-you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
-- John Luther


Think ocaisionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight.
--Albert Schweitzer

[Studebaker]

If it doesn't work, it's physics.

If it wiggles, it's biology.

If it stinks, it's chemistry.