EMAILS FROM AN A$$HOLE (I didn't say Ma$$hole)

[mrreindeer]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=45

Damn funny website!

From one email:

I am Staff Sgt. Mike Partlow and I am on a six month leave. I have nothing to do back in the states, and watching your kids sounds like fun.....

Mr. Partlow,

Thanks for responding! I am interested. Do you have any previous experience with kids? What kind of activities would you do? I am looking for something fun and eductational, and some sports for the boys.

I have lots of experience with kids from my time in the Middle East. I can teach my expertise to your kids through fun games and activities. I can teach them basic weapons training, close quarters combat, explosive ordinance disposal, and hand-to-hand combat.

Is this a joke? You realize these kids are mostly 7 years old, right?

Donna,

It is never too early to teach your children these basic life skills.

:r:r:r

[Mugen910]

basic life skills? :r

[M1903A1]

Sounds like the mini streetfight I inadvertently got into with a friend's (pacifist) wife on Facebook a few months back! :rolleyes:

[mojo65]

Thats classic!:banger

[St. Lou Stu]

I know an SSG Mike Partlow! And this is TOTALLY something he would do!


Jesus, I can't wait to talk to him! :r

[kgoings]

This is hilarious!

[massphatness]

Kittens for my tiger ...

I just wet myself.

[LooseCard]

nevermind......

[mrreindeer]

I know an SSG Mike Partlow! And this is TOTALLY something he would do!


Jesus, I can't wait to talk to him! :r

OMG! Let us know, wouldja!

:r:r

[Mark]

This maybe my new favorite website!

Friggin hilarious!

[King James]

Haha, some of those are great

[mrreindeer]

Original ad:
Wanted: ride from philly to rehoboth beach

i am trying to leave any time next friday. i will pay for gas, and provide conversation.i am bringing a large duffel bag and a cat.

Hey,

I have to go to court in Rehoboth next Friday, so I would be able to give you a ride. I just want to know, you're female, right?

Mike

I'm sorry, I thought you were female because you said you owned a cat.

..... :D

[Mark]

..... :D

I was just about to post that one! Its from the same guy - Mike Paltrow

[PeteSB75]

Funny site.

Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.

Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.

[mrreindeer]

Original ad:
I am trying to get 2 tickets to the Nationals vs. Red Sox on Thursday, June 25th. I'm willing to pay up to $40.
From Mike Partlow to **********@**********.org

Hello, I do not have tickets to the Nationals, but I do have a video tape of my 7-year-old's little league team game last week. He plays for the Arby's Allstars, and they beat the Smith Hardware Little Leaguers. I am sure it will be way more entertaining than watching the Nationals get their ass whooped for the 49th time this season.

From austin ******* to Me

[rhymes with truck] yourself, a$$hole.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******

Austin, my 7-year-old son was on the computer and he read your very offensive e-mail. Now he is going around telling everyone to "[rhymes with truck] themselves." Me and my wife tried to raise him to be a kid who doesn't curse, but thanks to your profanity, he thinks it is okay. I demand an apology from you.

From austin ******* to Me

You want my apology? Go [rhymes with truck] yourself.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******

I did have the tickets; I was just messing around with you. They were good seats - 10 rows back from third base. I was going to sell them both for $30. I would rather burn them, however, if you don't apologize. If you do apologize, the tickets will be yours.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******

I'm waiting...

From austin ******* to Me

I'm sorry about your kid.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******

Hah, what a sucker. I made you look like little b!tch in front of my 7-year-old son. I don't actually have any tickets. Thanks for helping me teach my son a lesson about how not to keep your dignity.

Mike

HAHAHAHa

[mrreindeer]

OMG.... (http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=48)

:r:r:r:r

[mrreindeer]

Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.

:ss:ss

[mrreindeer]

omg, the one about the horses & the 18-year old looking for a job....omg

[mrreindeer]

I saw your ad and will be able to help you out. The best thing to do for dry wall holes is to tape over the entire hole with strips of duct tape, and then paint over the duct tape. If you have wallpaper, I could just put wallpaper over the hole. That would be even easier. After the repair, nobody should lean up on the wall or it will probably tear again. I suggest hanging a picture over the hole. I have some old framed pictures of Bon Jovi that I could bring and install over the hole.

Bon Jovi poster!

[mrreindeer]

Hi, my name is Mike Partlow. I am interested in the position of Pool Manager for your hotel. Here is why I feel I am qualified for the position:

- I am an ex Navy SEAL. Water is my blood.
- I have saved countless lives on 3 different continents. I once saved an entire submarine crew from drowning in the artic.
- I am highly trained in underwater combat. I am prepared to handle any situation that may danger this pool.

I will make sure that this pool is safer than the Hau River during US occupation. Under my watch, pool casualties will be minimal. I will oversee a lifeguard "hellweek" style training program that I will make sure all the lifeguards under my command complete prior to serving for the hotel. Saftey of all pool guests is my top priority. I will also make every pool guest go through an intense underwater survival program before they are allowed to enter the pool.

Hahahaha.

[ade06]

LOL

[mrreindeer]

Original ad:
litter of 5 kittens. two orange, two black, one mixed-grey. all are three weeks old and looking for a good home!
From Yin Chang to *********@***********.org

hello

i buy all kitten you have. how much?

- yin chang

From ************@hotmail.com to Me

Sorry. These kittens are not being sold for food.

:r:r

[mrreindeer]

must stop....

CAN'T

must stop....

CAN'T

sorry

[yourchoice]

OMG, this website is hysterical...LOL <-- literally.

[Joan]

Hi, my name is Mike Partlow. I am interested in the position of Pool Manager for your hotel. Here is why I feel I am qualified for the position:

- I am an ex Navy SEAL. Water is my blood.
- I have saved countless lives on 3 different continents. I once saved an entire submarine crew from drowning in the artic.
- I am highly trained in underwater combat. I am prepared to handle any situation that may danger this pool.

I will make sure that this pool is safer than the Hau River during US occupation. Under my watch, pool casualties will be minimal. I will oversee a lifeguard "hellweek" style training program that I will make sure all the lifeguards under my command complete prior to serving for the hotel. Saftey of all pool guests is my top priority. I will also make every pool guest go through an intense underwater survival program before they are allowed to enter the pool.


Hahahaha.

omg! omg! My Divemaster class had a Mike Partlow in it who planned to join the Navy if commercial dive school instructing didn't agree with him... hm. :confused:

That is one funny website! :banger

[mrreindeer]

Too funny Joan, that makes two who know a Mike Partlow...I think it might just be an alias guys use if they don't want to give up their real names...

:r:r

Signed,

Mike Partlow

[Joan]

Too funny Joan, that makes two who know a Mike Partlow...I think it might just be an alias guys use if they don't want to give up their real names...

:r:r

Signed,

Mike Partlow

:r

Good one! Yes, it has got to be an alias, and so freakin hilarious that it sounds exactly like something my MP would do. :tu

[mrreindeer]

:r:r

Kate,

You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities.

A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.

I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.

My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver.

Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.

Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.

Let me know,

Mike Partlow

[mrreindeer]

From Kate ******** to Me

This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...

Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.


Kate,

Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball.

My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.

Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHa....awesome.

[mrreindeer]

rolling....

Absolutely not! Don't worry, I would never even dare consider having drug addicts watch your children. They are children for pete's sake!

My rehabilitation program is called Kons For Kids. We help get ex-convicts back on the right track again, by giving them second chances that they deserve.

Derek Schillinger - Derek is a 43-year-old male from the Delaware County area. Just released after serving 17 of 25 years for two counts of third-degree murder. Derek loves to laugh, read, and enjoys long walks on the beach.

Timothy Beecher - Tim is a 36-year-old male who was just released after serving 12 years of his 15 year sentence for armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon. Tim was released on good behavior and is ready to get back into the real world. Tim enjoys working with kids, and has six kids of his own with various women in the tri-state area. Before his conviction, Tim was a mid-level cocaine dealer. He knows a lot about economics and business, and would be able to give your children a great education while watching them.


KFK is a very respectable program. I'm guessing from your apparent issues with murderers, you aren't interested in Derek. Before you completely rule him out, I would like to point out that he was convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder. Third degree murder isn't premeditated murder, and it usually just accidental murder. I talked to Derek, and he said he didn't mean to kill the guy, he just wanted to hurt him. Please give him another chance.

If you don't want him watching your kids, I'll understand. Should I tell Tim you are interested instead?

[Steve]

:tu:tu

Basic Life Skills!!!

[mrreindeer]

Basic Life Skills!

omg...I already told Tim that he got the job. Please don't make me have to give him the bad news.

[mrreindeer]

Well, I hope you are happy. I had to tell Tim that you weren't willing to give him a second chance. Tim got so angry that he tried to stab me with a fountain pen. Needless to say, that was considered a violation of his parole and he has been sent back to his correctional facility to serve the remainder of his sentence. You essentially ruined Tim's life, after he was ready to get back on the right track. You are a horrible person.
Mike

:r

[GKitty]

omg, this site makes me need a laughing so hard I'm crying smiley.

*insert tearful laughter here*

[mrreindeer]

omg, this site makes me need a laughing so hard I'm crying smiley.

*insert tearful laughter here*

TOTALLY!

From Brian ****** to Me:

How much sh!t are you bringing dude? Are you trying to move to Chicago? I said I have a Civic... not a moving van.

From Me to Brian ******:

I'm not bringing that much stuff, just my clothes, weedwhacker, mini-fridge, and TV. You said you had room for my stuff...now you don't? I don't understand. Does this mean we can't take my recliner either?

crying, rolling, crying

[DonniePaul]

Thanks for posting that site. It is awesome!:tu

[DoctorBJ]

I've been cracking up here at work. Nice find.

[mrreindeer]

Hahahahaha...

From Me to **********@********.org:

Hey!

I live in the area and am also looking for a good time with no strings attached. I am a 37 year old man who just likes having some fun. How about you come over and we watch a movie and have some wine? You down?

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

Hi mike! Of course I am down for some fun ;) Do you have any pics of yourself?

From Karen ******** to Me:

Mike are you still there? I havent heard from you!

From Me to Karen ********:

STAY THE [PHUCK] AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND.

From Karen ******** to Me:

umm...what?

From Me to Karen ********:

YOU HEARD ME, YOU WHORE. THIS IS MIKE'S WIFE. HE DIDN'T TELL YOU HE WAS MARRIED, DID HE, YOU [PHUCKING] [SLLLUT]!

From Karen ******** to Me:

huh I swear he didn't say anything about that! I'm sorry! I won't write again!

From Me to Karen ********:

Karen,

It is Mike. What the hell did you say to my wife? She found out about us! She is packing her stuff and talking about a divorce. What did you do?!

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I responded to YOUR email that's it! Maybe you shouldn't let your wife check your email! Lastly there is no "us"! I wouldn't screw around with a married man! Shame on you for cheating on your wife!

From Me to Karen ********:

Karen,

Look, I'm sorry, I should have told you about my wife. I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.

Now I managed to calm my wife down. She was willing to hear my side of the story. I told her you were an old girlfriend from high school that was still obsessed with me, and I was trying to get rid of you. She believes me, but she wants to kick your a$$. Would you be able to come over here and let my wife kick your ass? Don't worry, she doesn't hit that hard. Just pretend it hurts. I'll give you $20 if you can do this for me.

Please help me out here!

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

why would you tell her that!!!!! just be honest and accept what you did!! no I wont go over there to get beat up are you out of your mind????

From Me to Karen ********:

Please Karen! If she divorces me, I am screwed. I made the mistake of not signing a prenuptial agreement when we got married, and now she is talking about taking everything! She even wants to take my Plasma TV! That TV is my world. It is like a son to me. Please don't let her do this. Just come over and let her kick your a$$. Do it for me, Karen.

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I'm sorry but this is not my fault at all. I can't help you.

From Me to Karen ********:

****. Well are you still down for a good time with dinner and a movie?

From Karen ******** to Me:

absolutely not.

From Me to Karen ********:

So you ruin my life, and now you won't even go out on a date with me? Thanks a lot, Karen. Next time why don't you add "WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE" next to your personal ad?

[mrreindeer]

Just to be clear for you new readers of this great website, the ME is not ME....this is not MY site, it's just one that I really really really wish was mine. Just kiddin.

[St. Lou Stu]

Oh ****.... my side hurts from laughing...

"Also, I let my friend watch the parrot for a week when I was on vacation, and ever since then, the parrot sings "The Final Countdown" by Europe every night at 4 in the morning. It often wakes me up and I am tired of it. I don't even like that song."

[yourchoice]

More great stuff. This guy is hysterical. ROFLMAO

[mrreindeer]

rolling

Brian,

The twinkes aren't for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac.

[Starscream]

From Me to ********@gmail.com
RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:

Hey there!

Your horse looks beautiful! Is he still available?

Michael Murphy
Vice President
Murphy Glue Factory, Inc.

From ********@gmail.com to Me
RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:

HELL NO!!!

:r:r

[GKitty]

Thanks for the reminder, guys. I hadn't visited this site in a while.

Hilaaaaaaarious as always!!

[yourchoice]

The translation from French to English in his last one is quite funny. LOL This guy is good!

[mrreindeer]

:D

[Sauer Grapes]

Just saw this yesterday and wasted most of my evening reading all of them. Freaking hilarious. He seems to focus on the DC, Baltimore, Philly and Wilmington areas.

[yourchoice]

Just saw this yesterday and wasted most of my evening reading all of them. Freaking hilarious. He seems to focus on the DC, Baltimore, Philly and Wilmington areas.

Based on the familiarity of the area (both his and mine), I think he must be a Philly or Philly 'burb native.

[md4958]

Well normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but first off, you own a cat, and you are a dude. That is a huge red flag right there. Any normal straight guy wouldn't own a cat, and if he did, he wouldn't care about the cat enough to take it to the beach. Second, you want to go to Rehomo Beach. I'm not judging your lifestyle or anything man, I just don't want you gaying up my car. No offense. I don't even want to know what is in your duffel bag.

OMG, I think i just wet myself :r:r:r

[s15driftking]

SOO Genius

[mrreindeer]

Vegan Housemate

My roommate and I are both vegans and will only live with another vegan. IF YOU AREN'T A VEGAN, YOU NEED NOT APPLY. We are looking for someone who will help with the cooking, in addition to the rent.

From Me to Joanna ********:

Well, I am a 24 year old male, and I am currently make a living by being employed. It pays well. Now, as I said earlier, I am a hardcore vegan. I totally respect your lifestyle, but I will occasionally eat a veal burger, maybe two or three times a week. I hope that isn't a big deal. If it is, I can eat it outside, but I will still need to cook it in the kitchen. But besides that, I am easy to get along with. I love watching TV. I hope you guys like CSPAN and late night HBO as much as I do. I also love music, and think I will be a great addition to your apartment.

Mike

From Joanna ******** to Me:

You're not a vegan if you eat veal. Seriously, veal? That is perhaps the single worst thing a vegan can eat. Calves that are raised to become veal are ripped from their mothers at birth so they get anemia. Then they are starved of milk, food, and exercise. They often are put in crates so they cannot move at all; they just stand and suffer until their ultimate death. Veal goes against everything veganism stands for. How you even consider calling yourself a vegan astounds me.

From Me to Joanna ********:

Well thanks for the veal history lesson. My ex used to ***** to me about veal all the time, so I know all about it. Frankly, I think that is why I enjoy veal. Knowing that the calf suffered so much to make himself that much more tender and delicious for me makes it worth every bite. If I didn't eat veal, it would probably expire and be thrown away. Then, the calf would have died in vein. You wouldn't want that, would you. Seriously, veal isn't that bad. They give the calf a nice safe home to live in. Would you rather they just let the calf just be let loose out in the wild? Then, it would probably be killed by a lion or something. By supporting veal, you are supporting the safe life of cows everywhere.

:r:r:r:r

Can someone pass me a veal chop please?

to be clear, the 'ME' above is not ME.

[mrreindeer]

Omg

c'mon, it isn't like i'm eating the animals after i kill them. I just kill them because i hate deer.

:D:D

[mrreindeer]

I can't tell you how many times I've stepped in deer sh!t - they sh!t everywhere. They are worse than old people.

:r:r

[mrreindeer]

OMG - now i'm finished w/ reading it but I can't stop laughing.

From Me to Joanna ********:

Wow, I never thought I would find someone as pretentious as Bono, but you take the cake. Next time I bite into a savory beef brisket, I'll think of you.

[yourchoice]

I almost forgot, if the police come, I need you to hide some weed and a bong that I left on the kitchen counter. Just put the weed in your pocket so they don't notice it when they are talking to you about the alarm, and maybe stuff some flowers in the bong so they think it is a vase.


:r :r

[Sauer Grapes]

Figured I'd bump this for the most current emails. The most recent had me laughing for a good five minutes. My side still hurts.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/