It was a dark and stormy night CA Short Story [Archive]

SeanGAR

04-02-2009, 07:18 PM

replicant_argent

04-02-2009, 07:27 PM

and while I had no idea Klugsie was buddies with Carrot Top, I figured, "What the hell, you aren't supposed to judge a book by it's cover," so I gave Carrot Tops companion a bye for the night.

SmokeyJoe

04-02-2009, 07:27 PM

So there I was, sitting in the corner, smoking a Cohiba Diplomatic lancero that I received as a gift from my friend who had just vacated his chair to talk to a man about a horse, when I spied Klugs entering the joint with his friend ....

... an albino... with a noticeable limp. They scanned the bar, searching for a friendly face. Klugs' gaze moves to my corner. As his eyes adjusted to the relative darkness, I realized the albino was in fact - Carrot Top! :D

icehog3

04-02-2009, 10:00 PM

Ready to write Carrot Top off as a poseur trying to swim in Klugs' wake, he opens up a Haliburton cigar box, only to reveal that it is filled pack full of....

markem

04-02-2009, 10:06 PM

Gurkhas. Gurkhas and Acids.

I knew then that he had me. Anyone who could stomach those flavors could easily withstand what I was having for dinner...

floydp

04-02-2009, 10:14 PM

Jack Daniels on me cheerios when in between a mouth full a cheerios and Jack and a puff of Gurkha nastyness a noise that awakened me from my pathetic trance to a sight worst than...

icehog3

04-02-2009, 11:34 PM

....Rosie O'Donnell's colon X-ray. Which showed, besides the aftermath of several visits a day to Taco Bell, a strange substance which could only be described as....

floydp

04-02-2009, 11:40 PM

a gift from the colonel, you guessed it a bucket of chicken but that's only hiding the love child of her undying affection for a brother we all know as

Whipper Snapper

04-02-2009, 11:46 PM

a gift from the colonel, you guessed it a bucket of chicken but that's only hiding the love child of her undying affection for a brother we all know as

Tecnorobo. Little did He know she was attracted to males again. Since he wanted to get out of this story as quickly as possible, he tried redirecting her attention by quickly pointing her to carrot top and klugs. Upon seeing them she screamed...

pnoon

04-02-2009, 11:50 PM

"Is that you, kwagga?" Klugs replied . . .

Whipper Snapper

04-02-2009, 11:53 PM

"Is that you, kwagga?" Klugs replied . . .

"No, it's me, Anon-y-mouse!" He quickly removed his klugs costume and revealed his true rodent self. He then turned to Rosie only to discover...

icehog3

04-02-2009, 11:54 PM

....that Rosie had morphed into an alien that resembled Howie Mandel, and he began to chase the rodent around like....

SeanGAR

04-02-2009, 11:55 PM

a .. a ..... the stench was overwhelming ....

pnoon

04-02-2009, 11:57 PM

....that Rosie had morphed into an alien that resembled Howie Mandel, and he began to chase the rodent around like....

a Shack Herfer scrambling for a 1492. :) At which point Rosie turns to Klugs and screams . ..

Whipper Snapper

04-02-2009, 11:58 PM

Klugs, You anon-y-mouse You, I have my secrets as well... I'm a poster at cs named...

icehog3

04-03-2009, 12:20 AM

....Legend, and I am the most interesting man in the World!! Have you ever heard my theory on....

Da Klugs

04-03-2009, 12:25 AM

....Legend, and I am the most interesting man in the World!! Have you ever heard my theory on....

all greatness springing from one origin - me, and of course dispensed only ..

icehog3

04-03-2009, 12:27 AM

...by local B&Ms....ones specifically owned by...

Whipper Snapper

04-03-2009, 12:30 AM

all greatness springing from one origin - me, and of course dispensed only ..
At times such as these. At this very moment Tecnorobo wretched in his mouth. You see, he had just pieced together that a howie mandell like alien who disguised itself as rosie o'donnell who disguised herself as a wise male on a cigar forum was madly in love with him. Not only that but it's bowels were full of kfc.

At this very instant anon-y-mouse ran out and stood on top of carrot tops head where he announced "this is all very cute, but if you don't hand over CA's members cigar collections in their entirety to me, I'm going to be forced to show this picture of seangar and tecnorobo iceskating together to seangar's employer"

Seanger immediately stood up from his bar stool (relatively undisturbed up until this point) and said "you wouldn't dare!"

The air was quieted only to...

icehog3

04-03-2009, 12:41 AM

...others in the thread wondering what the %&*# Blake was talking about. Thankfully, the Most Interesting Man in the World explained that Blake had a disorder commonly known as....

SeanGAR

04-04-2009, 07:43 AM

GTS.

Legend spied my cigar and came over to take a look.

Hmmm .. he scratched his head ... 'that come from the internet?'

Just then my friend came back from his bathroom break. Anon-Y-Mouse was the only one to recognize him and started squeaking "Rushbo, Rushbo, come over here and sign my tail".

Legend repeated his questions ... "that from the internet? that from the internet? that from the internet? that from the internet?"

Rushbo looked over ..."no son, Fidel and I are close personal friends .. he gave me that cigar last month. We usually play racquetball a few times a year".

Legend looked over aghast .... "you're friends with Castro? How dare you .. he's a commie pinko.

Why ... I'm going to ..."

icehog3

04-04-2009, 07:58 AM

....Why ... I'm going to ...Im going to wash that man right outta my hair, and send him on his way...."

That is when Bruce appeared with Liza Minelli on his arm, and proceeded to....

markem

04-04-2009, 08:46 AM

... sing show tunes. Frickin show tunes. As if my headache wasn't bad enough as it was.

But I have a secret cure for headaches. You see, all you do is ...

icehog3

04-04-2009, 11:12 AM

... sing show tunes. Frickin show tunes. As if my headache wasn't bad enough as it was.

But I have a secret cure for headaches. You see, all you do is ...

....go over to Bigwaved Dave's house and....

Whipper Snapper

04-04-2009, 11:16 AM

....go over to Bigwaved Dave's house and....

kdnfkosonfuueofnos1%@65!
08jafdsnun!-923!....
FAiivn!

(sorry, the gts kicked in... all those involuntary movements are tough to control when typing)...

The Professor

04-04-2009, 11:17 AM

...with one hand because the other hand is busy...

icehog3

04-04-2009, 11:30 AM

...with one hand because the other hand is busy...

....grab Dave with the hand that isn't choking Technorobo and....

markem

04-04-2009, 11:51 AM

tell him to take a load off. Little did I know that Dave was in a literal mood. In fact, he ...

SeanGAR

04-04-2009, 01:41 PM

tell him to take a load off. Little did I know that Dave was in a literal mood. In fact, he ...

took a load off Fannie, as she was delivering the food order, and particularly deftly placed the plate of steaming hot star meat onto the placemat in front of Rushbo.

Rushbo was the first to dig in, using his fork to pull out a fine example of the star meat.

Anon-Y-Mouse reacted in horror, his little nose twitching as he sniffed like a hooker in the bathroom at a Grateful dead concert, "my GOD, you FIEND, thats my Cousin CLEM" he yelled.

Technorobo twitched, blurting out "aplatz hauyt tewe?".

Just as Rushbo was about to speak, a UFO landed in the parking lot outside. Two small green aliens entered the restaurant as everyone stood in shock. The one on the right raised its right hand, pointing directly at Anon-Y-Mouse and said .....

markem

04-04-2009, 01:46 PM

"How do you do, my name is Sue!"

It turned out that they were a Johnny Cash cover band.

But enough of that. Just at that moment, the side door opened and who would walk in but ...

SeanGAR

04-04-2009, 01:54 PM

"How do you do, my name is Sue!"

It turned out that they were a Johnny Cash cover band.

But enough of that. Just at that moment, the side door opened and who would walk in but ...

Fidel Castro himself, supported on one side by ...

Whipper Snapper

04-04-2009, 02:00 PM

Fidel Castro himself, supported on one side by ...

The Dark Lord. It turns out he was trying to get ahold of a particular habano that was exclusively released to Fidel Castro alone. The two aliens were not amused and proceeded to attack anon-y-mouse exclaiming "You tried attacking our leader, you know, the Howie Mandell look alike and we simply cannot allow such hostility"...

Amidst all of the confusion a loud "SILENCE!!" poured out of the mouth of...

SeanGAR

04-04-2009, 02:02 PM

The Dark Lord. It turns out he was trying to get ahold of a particular habano that was exclusively released to Fidel Castro alone. The two aliens were not amused and proceeded to attack anon-y-mouse exclaiming "You tried attacking our leader, you know, the Howie Mandell look alike and we simply cannot allow such hostility"...

Amidst all of the confusion a loud "SILENCE!!" poured out of the mouth of...

Legend ..... he looked squarely at Castro and asked him .... "are internet Habanos the same as B&M habanos?". Castro looked back and laughed .... and said ...

markem

04-04-2009, 02:05 PM

Yo no hablo Inglés, que cerdo!

Which Legend translated as, "Whatever Legend says is true."

Suddenly, Dave had had enough and decided to head for a country-western bar down the street named ...

Whipper Snapper

04-04-2009, 02:22 PM

SeanGAR

04-04-2009, 03:51 PM

Sesame. Little did Dave know that Three aliens (one of them resembling Howie Mandell), anon-y-mouse, Legend, Fidel Castro, The Dark Lord, Tecnorobo, Seangar, Rushbo, and a host of others were following him. Before Dave realized what was taking place behind him, a giant yellow bird that oddly resembled "Big Bird" stopped him and said...

Hey .. aren't you Rick Nielsen?

Before anybody could move, Klugs ripped a guitar out of a nearby roadie's hands and started singing ....

"Mother told me, yes, she told me I'd meet birds like you"

Rushbo interrupted, in his most sarcastic voice "Uh .... didn't Robin Zaaaaander sing that paaaaart?"

To which Klugsie/Nielson said "you mean MY FAVORITE LEAD SINGER IN THE WHOLE WORLD?"

As the bird was readying a response, the doors to the Sesame opened up and there stood Angelina Jolie and Jessica Alba. Alba, in a sultry voice, asked Klugs:

"Damn it, Dave ... why must you keeping me waiting?"

Dave blushed ... and said ...

The Professor

04-04-2009, 04:01 PM

"01001001001000000110110001101111011101100110010100 10000001111001011011110111010100100000010010100110 01010111001101110011011010010110001101100001001000 000100000101101100011000100110000100101110"

Turns out that Dave/Ricky is actually a robot and was responding in the only language he knew when his circuits were overloaded.

All of a sudden, there was a massive FLASH and in an instant...

icehog3

04-04-2009, 04:09 PM

"

All of a sudden, there was a massive FLASH and in an instant...

...Elvis Presley appeared from a colud of smoke and said "I like you, Klugs/Nielsen/Robot.....always have...always will!"

And with that, the CheapTrick Cyborg Klugsinator lifted his shirt, only to reveal....

markem

04-04-2009, 04:45 PM

That zemekone was operating him like a puppet. Bwahahaha, I'm Dave's Mini Me, cried Gerry as he rush towards Jessica Alba only to run smack into Tom's ...

SeanGAR

04-04-2009, 05:51 PM

gurhka immensissimo ... the longest cigar in the world at 2.1 meters.

As zemekone was falling, the dark lord swept over him and reached Jessica ..... "oooh", she cooed, "I've always wanted a man with a prosthesis".

Legend attempted to push the dark Lord aside "I have a prosthesis too .. but mine is from a B&M".

Unfortunately, he ignored the fact that the dark lord carries a light saber. The dark lord spun around, his cape waving like the fat pasty lady wearing an outfit three sizes too small on the front of a carnival cruise liner, as he fired his light saber and ....

markem

04-04-2009, 06:00 PM

realized that it's a light saber, not a gun, so nothing happened. How could he be so stupid. But he had one last trick to play and reached into his spandex for ...

The Professor

04-04-2009, 08:33 PM

realized that it's a light saber, not a gun, so nothing happened. How could he be so stupid. But he had one last trick to play and reached into his spandex for ...
... a purple, glowing, pulsating, almost cartoonishly large ...

markem

04-04-2009, 08:51 PM

eggplant. That's right, his secret identity is Kapitan Eggplant, scourge to evil everywhere.

Eggplant in hand, he paused, on hand on his hip, to proclaim ...

icehog3

04-04-2009, 09:52 PM

eggplant. That's right, his secret identity is Kapitan Eggplant, scourge to evil everywhere.

Eggplant in hand, he paused, on hand on his hip, to proclaim ...

..."I am the Eggman...I am the Eggman...I am the Walrus, Koo Koo Kachoo"!

This for some strange reason enraged puppet powered Gerry/Klugs/Nielsen, who proceeded to....

markem

04-04-2009, 09:56 PM

icehog3

04-04-2009, 10:06 PM

breakdance

that's right, breakdance. Everyone started shouting "bust a move, bust a move". Good thing he was wearing his MC Hammer parachute pants, because otherwise, when he did that one really wild move, he might have ...

exposed his eggplant. That right, he was Kaptain Eggplant's sidekick, Parmeseana Boy. His name really had two meanings, as besides his purple eggplant appendage, he also had....

kaisersozei

04-04-2009, 10:10 PM

purple rain. In a jar. In fact, Parmeaseana Boy--had he actually been able to touch this--was in fact the CA Poster Formerly Known as

Whipper Snapper

04-04-2009, 11:51 PM

purple rain. In a jar. In fact, Parmeaseana Boy--had he actually been able to touch this--was in fact the CA Poster Formerly Known as

Zemekone. In fact Gerry had always been known as Zemekone. At this point the real klugs stepped into the scene. He was certainly amused to find that Zemekone was stealing his identity using a robot suit. Dave's eyes didn't stay there for long.

"JESSICA ALBA?" He yelled. Dave knew exactly what was going on here. Zemekone was trying to use Dave's identity to get to Jessica. Everyone knows that she secretly has the hots for Dave and his habano collection.

Just as Dave was about to make his move on Jessica, Tecnorobo had a gts inspired twitch, slapped Tom and yelled...

SeanGAR

04-05-2009, 05:41 AM

The Professor

04-05-2009, 08:36 AM

"OKLO uot hebinedh uyo"

Tom yelled back "what the hell is wrong with you, boy!" and slapped him back .. immediately curing Technorobo of his GTS.

"Look out behind you" newly cured Technorobo yelled.

Tom spun around quickly to see .....
Kwagga.

That's right, Kwagga decided to come back and honor everyone with his mad cigar reviewing skills and extensive knowledge of plagiarism ... uh, er, I mean ... knowledge of fine Habanos and the information that can be found on the internet.

Kwagga took a deep breath, gestured with his right hand, and...

icehog3

04-05-2009, 08:40 AM

Kwagga.

That's right, Kwagga decided to come back and honor everyone with his mad cigar reviewing skills and extensive knowledge of plagiarism ... uh, er, I mean ... knowledge of fine Habanos and the information that can be found on the internet.

Kwagga took a deep breath, gestured with his right hand, and...

was promptly put in a blender by Tom and forced to drink himself. Although certainly a macabre scene, it seemed to stimulate Jessica, who reached for Klugs' .....

The Professor

04-05-2009, 08:46 AM

was promptly put in a blender by Tom and forced to drink himself. Although certainly a macabre scene, it seemed to stimulate Jessica, who reached for Klugs' .....
... car keys. She wanted to go for a "fast ride" in his muscle machine. Only problem was ...

BC-Axeman

04-05-2009, 08:52 AM

...the car keys were not really car keys. They were a secret experiment at Klugs's research laboratory. When she grabbed them, she activated a field that transported them instantly to...

icehog3

04-05-2009, 08:54 AM

...the car keys were not really car keys. They were a secret experiment at Klugs's research laboratory. When she grabbed them, she activated a field that transported them instantly to...

....Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where the 118th Annual Bratfest was in full swing. Klugs turned to Jessica to offer her a bite of his brat, when he suddenly realized that...

SeanGAR

04-05-2009, 09:20 AM

....Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where the 118th Annual Bratfest was in full swing. Klugs turned to Jessica to offer her a bite of his brat, when he suddenly realized that...

he had spilled his sauerkraut all down the front of his shirtless chest. Jessica smiled and started to lick it off Dave's chest ... but just then ...

markem

04-05-2009, 11:58 AM

Tom awoke. Yes, season 9 of Not Dallas was a dream sequence. Tom was covered in, uh, sweat from the vivid dream. But he vowed ...

icehog3

04-05-2009, 01:00 PM

Tom awoke. Yes, season 9 of Not Dallas was a dream sequence. Tom was covered in, uh, sweat from the vivid dream. But he vowed ...

to make his dream a reality. Or at least reality TV. So he called the Screen Actors Guild to cast the series. To play Klugs, Tom recruited actor...

markem

04-05-2009, 01:11 PM

Rupaul. Tom had a wicked sense of humor.

To play puppetmaster Gerry, Tom was equally insistent on ...

SeanGAR

04-05-2009, 01:17 PM

Rupaul. Tom had a wicked sense of humor.

To play puppetmaster Gerry, Tom was equally insistent on ...

Jim Henson ... but there was that small problem .....

markem

04-05-2009, 01:20 PM

icehog3

04-05-2009, 01:26 PM

But Frank Oz was available and they even look alike.

So the cast was taking shape but the screenplay needed work. Tom took out his old manual typewriter and wrote these words:

"It was a dark and storm night."

and followed them up with ...

"....and the Gurkhas were flying like the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz". Which was ironic, because Mark showed up on the set, and he....

markem

04-05-2009, 01:28 PM

Was covered in lipstick smears. Jessica Alba's shade.

But Tom's attention was diverted by Gerry, who was busy off in a dark corner ...

The Professor

04-05-2009, 01:31 PM

Was covered in lipstick smears. Jessica Alba's shade.

But Tom's attention was diverted by Gerry, who was busy off in a dark corner ...
... with Rosie O'Donnell. Again.

When Gerry was discovered by Tom, he said...

icehog3

04-05-2009, 01:32 PM

Was covered in lipstick smears. Jessica Alba's shade.

But Tom's attention was diverted by Gerry, who was busy off in a dark corner ...

....trying to figure out how to cover Mark in his lipstick smears.

As the cameras rolled with the opening scene, Gerry blurted out....

markem

04-05-2009, 01:34 PM

De plane, Boss! De plane!

ruining yet another expensive take. But Tom couldn't stay mad at Gerry because Tom knew that Gerry secretly ...

icehog3

04-05-2009, 01:38 PM

De plane, Boss! De plane!

ruining yet another expensive take. But Tom couldn't stay mad at Gerry because Tom knew that Gerry secretly ...

...was planning to marry Tom's dog, Ganz. Tom could not think of a better son-in-law.....well, except for...

markem

04-05-2009, 03:47 PM

For the fact that Gamz is a boy dog. That was illegal in Illinois, but Tom, being liberal, didn't mind. In fact, he was looking forward to ...

SeanGAR

04-05-2009, 05:30 PM

For the fact that Gamz is a boy dog. That was illegal in Illinois, but Tom, being liberal, didn't mind. In fact, he was looking forward to ...

Smoking some cigars and playing a little poker with Gamz.

http://filebox.vt.edu/users/okeefes/dogs-playing-poker-1%20copy.jpg

So, since they just changed the law in Iowa and Gerry & Gamz can get married there, Tom, Gamz, Gerry, Mark, Rosie and Elvis hopped into Tom's paddy wagon and they hit the road for the quad cities.

They were only on the road for an hour when it happened .....

icehog3

04-05-2009, 05:35 PM

They were only on the road for an hour when it happened .....

...they crashed into Brett Michael's "Rock of Love" tour bus, and the girls came spilling out. A buxom blond strutted up to Gerry and said....

markem

04-05-2009, 05:56 PM

I thought you were the flashlight in Tom's pocket and that he wasn't glad to see me. I can see different now...

icehog3

04-05-2009, 05:59 PM

I thought you were the flashlight in Tom's pocket and that he wasn't glad to see me. I can see different now...

...and must ask you to divorce Ganz immediately, as you and I need to...

markem

04-05-2009, 06:03 PM

Howl at the moon and hump Tom's leg.

The End

This has been a Seriously Disturbed Production

Whipper Snapper

04-05-2009, 06:43 PM

Howl at the moon and hump Tom's leg.

The End

This has been a Seriously Disturbed Production

I had no clue that there could or would be an ending, but I think I will actually try to take it upon myself to syncretize the story. Does anyone mind if I take a little bit of poetic license with it which would allow it to flow a bit better? I won't change any of the main content but I might elaborate on it a little bit more if that's ok. I imagine I'll undertake this soon if that's alright.

SeanGAR

04-05-2009, 07:03 PM

I had no clue that there could or would be an ending, but I think I will actually try to take it upon myself to syncretize the story. Does anyone mind if I take a little bit of poetic license with it which would allow it to flow a bit better? I won't change any of the main content but I might elaborate on it a little bit more if that's ok. I imagine I'll undertake this soon if that's alright.

Good luck with that LOL.